Wednesday, December 18, 2002

My Advice to MSNBC

Drop the "News Channel" gag. As long as you have Tweety, Imus and Barnicle on your roster, no one's going to buy that line anyway.

Reality television is the rage, and you've already got your next star on the payroll. I can picture it now:

Fade in - Music: Santa Monica, by Everclear.

Fade in - Exterior: A southern California split-level

Fade in - Title: The Dornans

Like their infamous father, the Dornan kids are class acts. When Bob lost his rematch with Loretta Sanchez in 1998, the entire family shined. On TV, an angry Bob branded Sanchez a "serial adulterer." Daughter Kate and her thug boyfriend made a derogatory remark about Republican Senate candidate Matt Fong and then got into fistfights with tiny, old, Asian Republican onlookers. Although she smelled like booze, we�re sure Kate was her naturally pleasant self when she screamed from the stage, "It�s not over yet, Loretta. We�re coming after you bad. Do you hear me?" Bob�s namesake, Bob Jr., later took a long gulp of his Budweiser and told a Weekly reporter that the Asian Republicans didn�t understand "class" like the Dornan family. Said Junior Dornan, "I told them, �Man, you aren�t nothing but low-class assholes, so shut up.�"

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