Saturday, February 28, 2009

Plagiarizing Myself

Dobson Resigns as Chairman of Focus on the Family

Reverend Dobson is stepping down to spend more time with his family.

Specifically, more time with his son, in the shower.

(Note: Plagiarizing Myself means I originally wrote this in comments at Political Animal. No endorsement of the theft of intellectual property is intended or implied.)

Friday, February 27, 2009

Warbloggers Become Teabaggers

Having won the occupation of Iraq from their comfort of their doublewides and their tenured positions at inexplicably accredited law schools, the Fighting Keyboarders are now attempting to rewage the Revolutionary War, or at least their third-grade-homeschooler understanding of it.

In Our Nation's Capital, the Teabaggers failed to draw as many people as would Stuart Pankin with his R.V. full of shoe inserts. At a convention for parapalegics.

And a great portion of those attending the D.C. Teabag-In showed at the "protest" were simply paid whores, like Sam Putzelbacher, who was shoved back into his steamer trunk after some photographs were taken.

From Work to Wingnut Welfare

Debra Saunders is panicked that she may soon have to look for honest work. She wails:

Bloggers and e-mailers are crowing. If The Chronicle is shuttered, they'll be dancing a jig.

Many conservatives feel a warm glow at the possible demise of an institution that they believe to be failing because of liberal bias. On the far left, that same glow will satisfy those who think newspapers are not liberal enough.

The problem for Saunders is that the wingnuts who think the Chronic is a liberal rag think she's too liberal as well. (They know that the fact that Saunders' column appeared right next to a V.D. Hansen essay is just a trick to hide the paper's lefty agenda!)

If you lose the Chronic gig, Deb, you're out of luck. The right-wing media can find thousands of folks who are more red-eyed and spittle-flecked (and on the teevee, more telegenic) than you are. You could drop a nuclear bomb on the D.C. Omni Shoreham this weekend, and there'd still be plenty of cockroaches to beat you out of a job. Sure, you've smeared Al Gore in the past, but today's wingnut needs a steady diet of Obama is a communist-Muslim-alien-Negro and come to Jesus-or else, and you're no longer up to the task.

But don't worry. I'm sure Michael Savage needs someone to clip his lawn and his toenails. You won't even have to relocate.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Who Said Pro Wrestling Is Fake?

MINNEAPOLIS, (AP) -- The death of a 97-year-old man who was reportedly pushed by former pro wrestling star Verne Gagne has been called a homicide.

The coroner's report says Helmut Gutmann died of complications from a broken hip after he was pushed Jan. 26 at a nursing home in Bloomington.

While Wednesday's news release does not mention Gagne by name, Gutmann's wife and daughter have said the 83-year-old Gagne apparently threw Gutmann to the floor. At the time, both men suffered from dementia.

Where have you gone, Dick the Bruiser? The Aragon Brawlroom turns its lonely eyes to you....

Higher Ignorance

Between feedings, the Doughy Pantload attempts to invent a controversy in which President Obama questions the patriotism of the Load's fan base, high school dropouts. Sayeth the 'Load:

On the other hand, why is it okay to question the patriotism of high school drop-outs when it's just about the worst thing in the world to question the patriotism of people in other circumstances?

Later, the 'Load quotes with approval a dimwit who's fallen for Pantload's premise:

I missed the speech last night and you're the first to note his comment about dropping out of high school equalling a lack of patriotism. Personally, I dropped out of high school around thirty years ago and went on to serve 25 years on active duty in the U.S. Navy reaching the highest enlisted grade of Master Chief Petty Officer. Kind of odd to hear my actions were unpatriotic. Hmmm?

Let's see who else questions the patriotism of those without high school diplomas:


Does an applicant have to have his/her GED or HS diploma in order to join the marines?


Hi Anthony,

In short, yes. High school diploma is preferred. Without either a HS diploma or a GED, the chances of enlistment are "nil," unless the applicant gets 15 or more college credits.

Even with a GED, the chances are not good (unless the applicant gets 15 or more college credits). The Marine Corps only accepts a maximum of 10 percent of their enlistments per year from GED-holders. 90 percent of all enlistees have either a high school diploma or at least 15 college credits.

For more information about the United States Military, feel free to visit my military information website at:

Hope this helps!

Rod Powers

It does, Rod!

So the Marine Corps only allows service by those who have a high school diploma or its equivalent. Pantload, who blames the failure of his glorious military career on his sorry ass, would characterize this rejection of dropouts as questioning the dropouts' patriotism.

To be fair, the 'Load of the RingDings does undercut President Obama's suggestion that everyone with a high school diploma -- or a degree from Goucher College -- is not a complete and utter fucking moron of no value whatsoever to the country.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Operation PIYUSH was an abortion.

Only Sharia Plain can save the G.O.P. now.

You Can't Spell "Idiots" Without Sidoti

Teabaggers Play Tee Ball

Their slogan is No Taxation Without Chronic Masturbation.

(More here)

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Iseman Gets Boned

Vicki Iseman, the lobbyist who believes that an accusation of having sex with John McCain is libel per se, has come up empty-handed in her suit against the New York Times. The NYT paid nothing. Ms. Iseman and/or her attorneys have eaten a large sum of attorneys fees and costs, while Iseman's shysters were left to write a 1000-word essay for the paper entitled "Why You'd Be Fucking Nuts to Hire Us."

Of course, the Times' story never said that McCain was boning Iseman, only that several of McCain's handlers were concerned he was boning her. It was the McCain campaign which suggested the article said so, in a desperate attempt to play the liberal-media victim card. It's a shame the litigation never got to the stage where McCain was questioned under oath about his PorkBusting. But someone sure wanted that settlement wrapped up quickly.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Depends TV has a brilliant business model: After a three-day weekend with no content, give away nearly 3/4ths of your content for free -- with no advertising. Charge your paying suckers for an 18 minute video on social media, presented by a fucking chiropractor. Make the 3/4ths you give away so mind-numbingly awful that you couldn't pay people to watch it.

And make people pay for this.

All for only five dollars a month.

Shorter Megan McArdle

"I'm getting laid."

I imagine the foreplay is equally as pointless and boring.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Worst President (And Presidential Survey) Ever

Started this post yesterday, but technical difficulties ensued.

C-SPAN has published a survey of (putative) historians which places George W. Bush 36th out of 42 Presidents in terms of presidential leadership. The Unelected One finishes beneath Herbert Hoover but above Millard Filmore, the cartoon duck.

I'd imagine part of the reason Bush scored higher than 41st is the selection of "historians" which, upon closer observation, are "historians and professional observers of the presidency."

The survey of 65 included the votes of numerous right-wingers, such as AEI-affiliated hacks Steven Hayward and Walter Berns, gag writer Andrew Ferguson, Ronnie-humper Lou Cannon, outvoted Bush-is-no-Hoover apologist Alvin Feltzenberg, and professional Republicans/Nelson Rockefeller biographers Dick Norton Smith and Joseph Persico. The presence of Reagan Administration stooges, such as Hooveroid Annelise Anderson, also explains why Saint Ronnie ranked so highly. (Peggy Noonan must have been drying out when the survey made the rounds.)

The entire list has a let's - e-mail - everyone - on - our - guest - list - and - see - who - responds quality to it, and includes at least two misspelled participant names. All in all, the survey is a miserable failure, like the man who ranked 36th in it.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Happy Belated Valentine's Day

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Can I Get A Waaaaahtness?

My favorite victim panel from CPAP 2009:

3:45 Targets of the Fairness Doctrine – Regency Ballroom

Joe Scarborough

Roger Hedgecock

Tucker Carlson

Tucker Carlson hasn't been such an unattractive target since he was hit on in that mens' room. Joe Scabro, meanwhile, is sucking the life out of shut-ins with cable and radio for five hours a day.

Visiting The Corner is Big Babywood blogger John Nolte, who offers this praise of C. Thomas Howell's finest film, Red Dawn:

From the safe, familiar environment of a classroom, we watch countless parachutes drop from the sky and into the heart of America. Oh, no: invading Commies! Laugh if you want -- many do -- but Red Dawn has survived countless more acclaimed films because Father Time has always been our most reliable film critic.

Mr. Nolte is under the impression that there was some colossal cage match between movies and Red Dawn managed to bludgeon several more effette films to death. Or perhaps he's illiterate.

But Nolte's critique pales in comparison to this one from Michael Long: "Some have interpreted the film as a Cold War allegory because it features a menacing bear." Who knew The Great Outdoors was a parable of the great twilight struggle?

But What Was His Freeper Screen Name?

CPAC will be a little less crowded this year:

BELFAST, Maine — James G. Cummings, who police say was shot to death by his wife two months ago, allegedly had a cache of radioactive materials in his home suitable for building a "dirty bomb."


Also found was literature on how to build "dirty bombs" and information about cesium-137, strontium-90 and cobalt-60, radioactive materials. The FBI report also stated there was evidence linking James Cummings to white supremacist groups. This would seem to confirm observations by local tradesmen who worked at the Cummings home that he was an ardent admirer of Adolf Hitler and had a collection of Nazi memorabilia around the house, including a prominently displayed flag with swastika. Cummings claimed to have pieces of Hitler's personal silverware and place settings, painter Mike Robbins said a few days after the shooting.

An application for membership in the National Socialist Movement filled out by Cummings also was found in the residence, according to the report. Cummings’ wife, Amber B. Cummings, 31, told investigators that her husband spoke of "dirty bombs," according to the report, and mixed chemicals in her kitchen sink. She allegedly told police that Cummings subjected her to years of mental, physical and sexual abuse. She also said that Cummings was "very upset" when Barack Obama was elected president.

That's quite the common reaction, if the wingnutosphere is any indication. If any blog with the term Confederate, Patriot or Pundit has stopped publishing recently, the chances it will resume publication are looking pretty slim.

And before you suggest I exaggerate, I saw comments on the wingnut blogs in the last two days asserting that (1) blacks burned crosses themselves in order to initiate college race riots, and (2), with respect to Mr. Cummings, "Don't discount the planting of evidence in order to facilitate an agenda.... Yet, a White person is proud of being White and they're terrorists." (No links to the nuts.) And then there's Debbie Schlussel.