Final Fantasy XXXI: Bozell vs. The Silicone Sisters
Uh oh, kids, it looks like Brent Bozell has put down the remote, whipped out his joystick and fired off a few rounds in the direction of his teevee screen. Says the bearded git:
But video-game manufacturers wouldn't mind if our kids imagined themselves as role-playing ultra-violent killers -- and now pornographers.
"Playboy: The Mansion" could be in stores before the kids crack a book again. You, too, can be a sleazy pornographer like Hugh Hefner, who in this game's vision is about 30 years younger and resembles Superman more than the dirty old man he is.
Exactly what goes on in this video game which hasn't even come out yet? According to the game's creators, there are several levels of play. First, you, the horny teenage boy, must answer the hard question -- do I want a tennis court or a bird sanctuary?
Construct the Mansion - The Playboy lifestyle begins at home. Will your home be a stately manor built for entertaining or a gadget lover's paradise? As your fame and wealth increase you'll be able to add tennis courts, game houses, aviaries, even the world-famous Grotto to your estate. Just make sure to build enough bedrooms for your girlfriends.
Then you decide which washed-up slobs you want to freeload off you -- do you prefer old schoolers: the Dick Van Pattens and Chuck McCanns, or the new breed of parasites: the Fred Dursts, Mark McGraths and Sisqos?
Live the Playboy Lifestyle - What use is a stylish pad if you can't share it with hundreds of celebrity friends? Spend the afternoon poolside with a bevy of beautiful women, and then change into your finest pajamas for an evening of decadent dancing with chart toppers, industry moguls and all-star athletes. Will you watch a movie in the Theatre Room or the Playmates on the trampoline? Life can be so cruel.
Finally (and somewhat questionably, in chronological terms), you must:
Build Your Empire - Fame and fortune don't come easy. Manage a crack editorial staff, hustle celebrity interviews and mold the magazine in response to a fickle market. Are readers suddenly interested in sports? Maybe it's time to host a tennis tournament and schmooze Boris McEngroe. And remember, people don't just read Playboy for the articles. Each month you'll invite women to stay at the Mansion, manage their Playmate training and oversee their sexy photo-shoots.
Yes, you get to decide whether showing pubic hair will lure Penthouse
readers or cause established advertisers to flee. You get to write your own "philosophy" that no one will ever bother to read, and personally select the Party Jokes and cartoons.
And, finally, here's the sex part: you get to "schmooze Boris McEngroe."
Okay, I admit that is pretty sick.
The game's features include:
Hundreds of "Celebrities," including actors, athletes, authors, business executives, comedians, fashion designers, models, musicians, politicians, racecar drivers and scientists.
What spotty 12-year old wouldn't want to interact with Norman Naylor, Ronald Crump and Dr. Enrico Einsteen.
The game also teaches the rewards of long-term planning and a realistic business model:
Empire Mode - Select your own goals (fame, circulation, guests, etc) and then work over a series of months or years to achieve them.
Not to mention the benefits of having good p.r. flacks:
The Playboy Philosophy - You're rewarded for living the good life, having a positive sexual attitude and promoting tolerance and individual freedom.
No wonder Hef looks so old and tired. Wouldn't it be easier for kids just to steal a Playboy?
Perhaps the answer to this disturbing trend, Brent, is not pissing and moaning, but a counterexample which wins over young minds with persuasive reasoning. How about National Review: The Corner?