Reasons To Be Cheerful, Part I

I'm not him.

The Path to 9/11, Starring Condi Rice

Thanks, Condi.

At the beginning of today's Meet the Press, Russert displayed a graphic with a mock newspaper headline:

"HOUSE AIDS KNEW ABOUT FOLEY ALLEGATIONS SINCE '05"

I'm paraphrasing, but one word is quoted verbatim -- "AIDS." The misspelling is NBC's.

Coincidence? Ignorance?

Call me skeptical.

Torts for Morons

Let me break this down for the moron in question:

Falsely accusing someone of stealing confidential documents, and of repeatedly engaging in similar misconduct: Defamatory.

Accordingly, I am retracting my claim that Herzig-Yoshinaga "surreptitiously shared confidential documents with" Irons. I have made a note of this on the errata page of my book. Moreover, I am directing Regnery to excise the words "surreptitiously" and "confidential" from future editions of the book.

In addition, I retract the following statements which appeared on my blog:

August 24, 2004:

Contrary to [University of North Carolina law professor Eric] Muller's assertion that the papers shared were "publicly available documents sitting in publicly available files at archives open to the public," the article makes clear that Irons did not obtain permission to receive the papers he acquired from Herzig-Yoshinaga.

August 25, 2004:

As I noted, these records, however, had not been cleared for public use, and Iron's request to copy them had been explicitly denied. By the way, this was not the only time Irons engaged in these sort of shenanigans.

I apologize to Irons and Herzig-Yoshinaga for the errors.

Claiming someone wore a bikini 10 years ago: Not defamatory.

Not even chuckleheads like Hinderaker or Morongoff would take your case, except on a hourly basis.

Top Ten Republican Pickup Lines

10. Do you like gladiator movies, Timmy?

9. Would you like to see my Washington Monument?

8. A/S/L?

7. Did you know that Saddam Hussein has reconstituted his nuclear weapons program, Timmy?

6. Put down that pipe, and get my pipe up! (And I'm not talking about the internet.)

5. Here's $200, Mr. Gannon.

4. No fats, no fems. Bisexual o.k.

3. That's just the Speaker of the House. He's cool.

2. Did you see me on Dateline NBC last Friday?

And the number one Republican pick-up line is:

Is that a Foley catheter in my pocket, or am I just happy to see you?

Bonus Line: I'm Representative Don Sherwood, and I approve this massage.

Grand Old Police Blotter: Meets Republican Family Values Edition

What does a Republican prosecutor do when her tax criminal husband starts banging other women? She calls the graft-taking, Judith Regan-screwing, bogus 9/11 hero, Bernie "Cut and Run" Kerik to illegally wiretap her husband's boat... I mean, to idly chit-chat about completely hypothetical illegal wiretapping.

And not just any Republican prosecutor -- the Republican nominee for New York Attorney General, Jeanine Pirro.

Let's listen in as Pirro and Kerik plan their totally imaginary caper:

[Pirro] suggests, "We can just simply say, if there is an issue, that I am redecorating it for our anniversary." She complains that Kerik's man is, "uncomfortable with that."

Kerik responded by saying, "But Jeanine, I'm having the same fucking problem with everybody. Everybody is panic stricken because it's you. I've gone out on a limb. I had two other people looking at this. It's a problem."

Pirro said, "What am I supposed to do, Bernie? Watch him fuck her every night? What am I supposed to do? I can go on the boat. I'll put the fucking thing on myself."

Don't forget, folks, Kerik was Rudy Guiliani's fucking lieutenant.

Pirro may have had an alternative to wiretapping:

Without her husband, sources said she told Kerik, "I move into the governor's mansion." That's an apparent reference to her aspirations for higher office, the documents said.

You should have spent the extra money, Jeanine, and had old Albert whacked.

Harvard intellectual Marty Peretz has been blogging for two weeks, and he's already reduced to reprinting e-mail forwards with French jokes.

Next week: Blondes, Clinton blow job and dead Palestinian jokes.

Unethical wig-wearing freak Nancy Grace has been caught plagiarizing in her latest "book," I Piss On Your Constitution:

Last year, Hyperion published [Nancy] Grace's book "Objection! How High-Priced Defense Attorneys, Celebrity Defendants, and a 24/7 Media Have Hijacked Our Criminal Justice System."

Grace was happy to hype the book, which spent five weeks on The New York Times best-seller list. She was less eager to draw attention to the fact that she'd lifted huge, verbatim passages in the book from that newspaper.

Grace notes in the book's bibliography that she drew on an Aug. 5, 2002, "Patents" column by Sabra Chartrand about a device that allows parents to track their children. But it was only after the book was out in hardcover that she acknowledged how much of pages 204 and 205 came from the article -- 359 words, to be exact.

Sources say Hyperion president Robert S. Miller was willing to accept Grace's claim that it was an "inadvertent" error. But he insisted that Grace alert The Times in a letter that promised the "error" would be fixed in future printings.

Word is, Grace refused to write that letter -- provoking Hyperion's lawyers to remind her that, under her contract, she was responsible to hold the publisher harmless if The Times sued over copyright infringement.

If only there was a way Grace could get jail time for this.

Smarter monkeys, please.

Maybe he or she can apply for Brendan Nyhan's old job.

Allen Wretch

Salon reports that George Allen (R-VA) is a true Reagan Republican:

WASHINGTON -- Three former college football teammates of Sen. George Allen say that the Virginia Republican repeatedly used an inflammatory racial epithet and demonstrated racist attitudes toward blacks during the early 1970s.

"Allen said he came to Virginia because he wanted to play football in a place where 'blacks knew their place,'" said Dr. Ken Shelton, a white radiologist in North Carolina who played tight end for the University of Virginia football team when Allen was quarterback. "He used the N-word on a regular basis back then."

A second white teammate, who spoke on the condition of anonymity because he feared retribution from the Allen campaign, separately claimed that Allen used the word "nigger" to describe blacks. "It was so common with George when he was among his white friends. This is the terminology he used," the teammate said.

A third white teammate contacted separately, who also spoke on condition of anonymity out of fear of being attacked by the Virginia senator, said he too remembers Allen using the word "nigger," though he said he could not recall a specific conversation in which Allen used the term. "My impression of him was that he was a racist," the third teammate said.

David Frum, Smear Merchant

Apparently while I was missing in action the left blogosphere turned virulently anti-Semitic:

This is -- the Allen-Webb race is one of the two most races most intensely followed by the left wing Web sites in this country. And if you read those left wing Web sites and go into the comment sections, Daily Kos MoveOn.org sites, you will see they are seething with anti-Semitism that is unbelievable to anyone who thought they understand what American life was about.

...And if we're going to talk about anti-Semitism on the campaign trail in 2006, I think people should be reading the comment section at the Daily Kos, where you will see it rich and bold and vivid.

Oh wait, that was just David Frum, the man who thinks Conrad Black is a paragon of virtue.

Never mind.

CNN Hell

Did you know that Hugo Chavez said something mean about The President (sic)?

Did you know that a French newspaper reported a rumor that Osama bin Laden is dead?

Did you know that watching CNN leads to feelings of depression, hopelessness and rage?

For the past three weeks or so, I've had to deal with a persistent but not-particularly-serious medical condition, which is why posting has been light. It looks like it will be a little while longer before I'm back up to speed here.

My apologies.

Ooops, I Sold My Vote Again

The Republicans again prove themselves weak on crime -- both in the execution of the crime and the condemnation of it. Here's John Boehner's limp-dick defense of his fellow Buckeye and future cellmate:

WALLACE: On this same subject, this week Congressman Bob Ney, one of your Republican colleagues in the House, agreed to plead guilty to influence-peddling. Now, he has stepped down as chairman; he's still a member of Congress.

This is a man who is basically admitting that he sold his vote. Should he spend another day in the House?

BOEHNER: Bob Ney clearly admitted to making some big mistakes. And he's going to pay dearly for the mistakes that he's admitted to.

But he's also checked himself in for alcohol abuse. And right now my prayers are with him and his family. It's a sad day for the Congress and a sad day for Bob Ney.

WALLACE: Should he resign from the House?

BOEHNER: That's a decision that he and his family are going to have to make.

There is no longer any dispute that Ney sold his votes as U.S. Representative to those who bestowed gifts on him. Yet Boehner -- the leader of House Republicans -- thinks the decision as to whether Boehner is fit to continue in his position should be left to Ney himself.

David Obey is right. Boehner needs to improve his game if he ever hopes to be a third-rate Joe McCarthy.

The Grand Old Party of Death

At firedoglake, Jane Hamsher points us to this very important article on the mother of all clusterfucks that was the Coalition Provisional Authority (the O'Beirne in question is Snaggletooth's better half):

O'Beirne's staff posed blunt questions to some candidates [for CPA positions] about domestic politics: Did you vote for George W. Bush in 2000? Do you support the way the president is fighting the war on terror? Two people who sought jobs with the U.S. occupation authority said they were even asked their views on Roe v. Wade.

Cronyism thrived; people died.

To recruit the people he wanted, O'Beirne sought resumes from the offices of Republican congressmen, conservative think tanks and GOP activists. He discarded applications from those his staff deemed ideologically suspect, even if the applicants possessed Arabic language skills or postwar rebuilding experience.

Smith said O'Beirne once pointed to a young man's resume and pronounced him "an ideal candidate." His chief qualification was that he had worked for the Republican Party in Florida during the presidential election recount in 2000.

Partisanship thrived; people died.

On the plus side, all those girls killed in the bombing of Baghdad were prevented from growing up and having abortions.

By the way, I don't recall ever seeing a disclosure of Snaggletooth's conflict of interest on any of her many appearances on CNN and Meet the Press. I must be getting forgetful.

More here.

Brendan Nyhan -- Imbecile or Fruitcake?

Has the American Prospect joined TNR in a race to the bottom? They can't be paying Nyhan for this sort of crap:

Sadly, it looks like liberal books are moving in the same direction.

...

That is one annoying and offensive title. Coulter is not "brainless" -- she's obviously very intelligent, and has successfully pandered her way to millions of dollars. In addition, "brainless" and "lunacy" implicitly reference cultural stereotypes of women as dumb or crazy.

Oh no, you can't criticize a woman for her stupidity because others stereotype all women as stupid. (Ann Althouse is mouth-breathing a huge sigh of relief right now.) And who exactly is stereotyping all women as crazy? The closest comparison I can think of is Ann Coulter, Kate O'Beirne, Phyllis Schlafly and their ilk, who stereotype all non-right wing women as insane (and as self-loathing lesbian sluts, among other things).

This whole "criticizing everyone equally" schtick is as tired as the phoney-baloney civility routine. Ridicule is too good for the likes of Coulter. Taking her seriously gives her credibility she doesn't deserve. Just like taking Nyhan seriously.

p.s. to Brendan -- The Duke lacrosse team needs a new towel boy and p.r. flack. Play to your strengths.

Grand Old Police Blotter: Ney'll Bob's Ass To The Prison Door Edition

Of the many things that 9/11 didn't change, rampant Republican criminality is the most unchanged:

WASHINGTON, Sept. 14 -- Representative Bob Ney, Republican of Ohio, has agreed to plead guilty to federal criminal charges related to his dealings with the corrupt lobbyist Jack Abramoff, lawyers and others with knowledge of the investigation said Thursday.

A guilty plea would make Mr. Ney, a six-term congressman, the first member of Congress to admit to criminal charges in the Abramoff investigation, which has focused on the actions of several current and former Republican lawmakers who had been close to the former lobbyist.

People with detailed knowledge of the investigation said Mr. Ney had entered an in-patient rehabilitation center in recent days for treatment of alcoholism, making it uncertain whether he would appear at a court hearing to announce the plea. Lawyers and others would speak only anonymously because of concern that they would anger prosecutors.

They said the agreement with the Justice Department -- and the exact criminal charges, which are expected to include conspiracy and false statement -- would be disclosed in Washington as soon as Friday and would probably require Mr. Ney to serve at least some time in prison.

"Some time in prison" for accepting bribes and selling votes. Well, I guess 20 years is some time.

We can hope.

Now let's kick back and watch the parade of G.O.P. apologists coddle the criminal class.

Care for some some Incarceration Fries?

Wolfowitz [Hearts] Corruption

Marty Peretz, he one spinal cracker, he makes a preemptive strike against those of you who dare criticize him or the highly-revered Paul Wolfowitz: You're raving looney bigots!

Sez Peretz:

I know that most of you know that the president of the World Bank, Paul Wolfowitz, is, as I am, a member in very good standing of the Elders of Zion. So it follows that anything I say in his behalf might be dismissed as an act of fraternity or, worse yet, ethnic clannishness.

Why Marty pulls this sleazy stunt is patently obvious when you read the rest of Marty's post, entitled "Wolfowitz v. Corruption." It's because the rest of his claims are smoke and mirrors.

It seems to Marty that Wolfie's new colleagues at the World Bank hate him because he's a tireless opponent of fraud, waste and abuse. Would that Wolfowitz were so abstemious and eagle-eyed when the money in question was ours.

As Joe C. noted upon Wolfie's elevation to from Fuckhead to Bankhead:

For a would-be banker, he has allowed rather huge sums of money to be squandered both at home and in Iraq. During Wolfowitz's tenure [as Dep. Sec. Def.], auditors from the Government Accountability Office have repeatedly found the Defense Department lagging behind other major agencies in management and fiscal responsibility. Last year, the GAO complained of its inability to issue a clean audit of the entire federal budget because of "serious financial management problems" at the Department of Defense.

Two months ago the GAO again singled out the Pentagon for harsh criticism, reporting that it operates eight of the 25 worst-run government programs. Comptroller General David Walker said that the cost is reckoned "in billions of dollars in waste each year and inadequate accountability to the Congress and the American taxpayer." The failures, which have persisted for many years, relate to financial and contract management, the operation of military infrastructure, and the modernization of Pentagon information technology -- which, in short, are a total mess.

Pentagon traditions of boodling and bungling have been replicated in Iraq, where they have intensified the misery of the country's inhabitants and encouraged the murderous insurgency. According to an audit by the special inspector general for Iraq reconstruction that was released in late January, the Coalition Provisional Authority lost track of nearly $9 billion in spending over the past two years. (Of course, the official directly responsible for this fiasco, former CPA chief L. Paul Bremer, is now wearing the Medal of Freedom that the president pinned on him last fall.) And thanks to the incompetence and carelessness of Iraq's U.S. overseers, far more is likely to be lost as a result of waste, fraud and corruption.

A newly released report from Transparency International, the Berlin-based organization that monitors corrupt practices around the world, warns that Iraqi contracting may soon become "the biggest corruption scandal in history." The group blames the United States for providing "a poor role model" in contracting and auditing. (They've likely heard about Halliburton.)

Far be it from me to question Peretz's expertise on the uses of other people's money, but Spinnin' Marty might wish to be a little less profligate with the bullshit when he praises his neoclown pals.

And once that nine billion turns up again and those responsible are imprisoned, then we can reassess Wolfie's virtues.

Update (9/16/06): Corrected non-working html code in title.

Indict Novak Now

Professional chuzzlewits like Marty Peretz are spinning Novak's recent column on Dick Armitage as vindication for the soon to be convicted Scooter Libby.

Smarter and saner people know that Novak is full of shit. As swopa points out at firedoglake, Novak's previous claim that his source's revelation of Plame's covert status was "offhand" cannot be squared with his current claim that Armitage went into great detail and wanted the information to be published by Novak. Novak now asserts:

First, Armitage did not, as he now indicates, merely pass on something he had heard and that he "thought" might be so. Rather, he identified to me the CIA division where Mrs. Wilson worked, and said flatly that she recommended the mission to Niger by her husband, former Amb. Joseph Wilson.

Second, Armitage did not slip me this information as idle chitchat, as he now suggests. He made clear he considered it especially suited for my column.

Was Novak lying then or is he lying now?

Here's another Novak quote, from a July 2006 column:

In my sworn testimony, I said what I have contended in my columns and on television: Joe Wilson's wife's role in instituting her husband's mission was revealed to me in the middle of a long interview with an official who I have previously said was not a political gunslinger. After the federal investigation was announced, he told me through a third party that the disclosure was inadvertent on his part.

Novak now claims that Armitage was angling to get Plame's name and status into Novak's column, and that he (Novak) knew it from start. Yet he told his readers that the disclosure was inadvertent, instead of telling them it was intentional. (Whether Armitage claimed it was inadvertent is irrelevant if Novak knew it was not.)

And Novak is apparently claiming that he told the same lie in his sworn testimony. If there's any justice, Novak may see the inside of a cell along with Scooter Libby.

More likely, Novak will just get more face time on Meet the Press and continued love from the corrupt pundit corps. And no one -- no one -- from the pundit corps will call him on this.

I was skeptical, but tonight's television programming was first rate.

When Elon Gold quipped that the show was broadcast in HDTV -- Hassidic Dancing Television -- I burst a gut.

If Dennis Prager was on this year, I missed him.