NAPALM: Stop the Desecration of Our Most Sacred Institution!
In this time of turmoil in the Mideast, political conflict here at home and an uncertain future for humankind, we at Little Green Fascists (LGF) urge you to focus on the biggest priority our Nation has had to face to date.
As you know, we believe in giving back to our communities, our towns, our states and our government which have been so good to us (No! I am NOT collecting welfare!). So, it is with great pride, that we announce our newest campaign to improve the moral sphere of this great country in which we live - NAPALM, the National Association of People Against Left-hander Marriage.
We've all been hearing too much about the immorality of gay marriage, or as Swank calls it 'homo-nup', but have you heard about the evil which is left-handed marriage ('lefty-nup')? I don't think so.
Consider these facts:
- Left-handedness has always been considered evil. For example, 'sinister' comes from the Latin word for 'left-handed'
- In the Final Judgement, Jesus sorts the good onto his right hand and the evil onto his left hand and casts the evil down into hell where they roast for all eternity (No! This does NOT mean that Jesus is left-handed!)
- Left handers are more likely to die in accidents
- There has been no 'Left-hander' gene discovered, so it's just a deviant lifestyle choice - no matter what those left-handers tell you. And who would choose such a deviant lifestyle? Deviants of course! They shouldn't be allowed to marry!!
- Society is set up for right-handers. Can openers, scissors, spiral bound notebooks... all for right-handers. How evil would someone have to be to reject this sensible plan of the Almighty?
- Ned Flanders is evil; Ned Flanders is left-handed.
The Aim of NAPALM is to get legislation introduced in all 50 states and at the Federal level to ban left-handed marriage. These laws will require manual dexterity tests of all people applying for marriage licenses (that includes you homos in Massachusetts!) to prove that both partners are right-handed. If the tests show someone is sinister handed, they will not be allowed to marry.
If either partner proves to be ambidextrous, the license will only be awarded after that person proves they do everything with only their right hand for a period of 6 months (acceptable proof will be a doctor's note that the person's left hand has been temporarily or permenantly disabled by means of injury, a cast or wiring; or 24 hour a day, seven day a week video footage of the person to prove no left-handedness or an affadavit from a paid professional who observes the person 24 hours a day, 7 days a week).
You see? Simple.
We realize that these laws will probably not apply to all those evil lefties already married, so we'll have to see what we can do to shame those folks into divorcing their spouses. It's the moral thing to do!
Marriage is our most sacred union. We cannot continue to let it be dirtied by the sinister ones! Join me in this fight by emailing me at NAPALM. Do it today and keep our great Nation moral and strong!
Cross-posted to Little Green Fascists. Come visit us sometime!