The Onion Or Not?

SALT LAKE CITY - A couple on the Atkins Diet have a beef with a local restaurant after being booted from the buffet for eating too much meat.

Isabelle Leota, 29, and her husband Sui Amaama, 26, both on the no-carb diet, were dining Tuesday at a Chuck-A-Rama in the Salt Lake City suburb of Taylorsville when the manager cut them off because they'd eaten too much roast beef.

"It's so embarrassing actually," said Leota. "We went in to have dinner, we were under the impression Chuck-A-Rama was an all you can eat establishment."

Not so, said Jack Johanson, the restaurant chain's district manager.

"We've never claimed to be an all-you-can-eat establishment," said Johanson. "Our understanding is a buffet is just a style of eating."

The general manager was carving the meat, and became concerned about having enough for other patrons, Johanson said. So when Amaama went up for his 12th slice, the manager asked Amaama to stop.

...

The couple are finishing their second week of the Atkins Diet, which requires taking in little to no carbohydrates, and they eat at Chuck-A-Rama's $8.99 buffet at least twice a week because of its convenience.

"You can just go there and just eat meat," said Leota, a mother of two.

...

The couple said they won't return to the restaurant.

"I don't have any desire to go there ever again," said Leota.

Why doesn't anyone ever take my advice?

So why is it OK for Bush to run a campaign ad of rescue workers taking a flag-draped coffin out of the WTC ruins, and it's not OK for our free press to run a picture of a flag-draped coffin coming back from Iraq?

(The text of the ad and a description of the images used in the ad are here.)

Louses Of The Holy

From Tristero, here's a brilliant essay on the abuse of religion in public debate. My favorite paragraph:

And liberals should not buy into the right wing framing of the issue that equates a well deserved disrespect for cynical political operatives with disrespect of religion. Most of this country, left, center, sideways and right, is religious. We all have an equal obligation to respect others and disrepect others who deliberately violate that respect for political gain. The right wing have shown themselves increasingly intolerant of everyone who disagrees with them. The time is long overdue to tell them to take their fake piety and shove it.

Tristero's also got some great stuff on the extent to which the crackpot delusions of Laurie Mylroie have infected the highest levels of the Administration.

Grand Old Police Blotter: Kumbaya Edition

From Wired:

The panel [investigating voting machine irregularties in California] discovered last November that Diebold had installed uncertified software on the machines.

The voting panel also recommended to Shelley that he ask the state attorney general to examine the possibility of bringing civil and criminal charges against Diebold for violating California election codes, which state that vendors cannot change software without notifying the secretary of state's office. The codes also say that no vendor can install uncertified software on voting systems.

"This doesn't solve the problems," said Tab Iredale, a Diebold developer. "It just sets a tone of confrontation at a time when we should be working together to address issues with the certification process."

Tab added, "Diebold grew up in a non-supportive home environment, and is currently undergoing therapy to understand the root causes of its inability to respond appropriately in its interactions with authority figures."

Brian also received some ice cream from the good people at True Majority. Mmmmm... ice cream.

Abortifraudulents

I don't care whether the Catholic Church boots Senator Kerry or not; that's none of my concern.

But, as Atrios points out, there are numerous Roman Catholics who share Kerry's position on the right of American women to choose an abortion -- including Mayor Rudolph Guiliani, Governor George Pataki, Predator Arnold Schwarzenegger and Director of Homeland Security Tom Ridge.

Which demonstrates that those, like the circle-jerking squares over in The Corner who endorse Kerry's excommunication are religious frauds who happily abandon their pretense of piety for the greater good of partisan politics. Cafeteria Catholics indeed.

It's a certainty at least three of the four Republican pols named above will speak in prime-time during the RNC Convention held in New York City this August and September. (As will their congenial host, pro-choice non-Catholic Mayor Michael Bloomberg.) How many Pukes will turn their backs on the men and pray for them, as George Bush's homestate delegation did in 2000 when Representative Jim Kolbe gave his three-minute speech?

Lead Us Not Into Fucking Stupidity

According to Marvin Olasky, "exaggerating" is now the preferred term for making shit up. Says Marvin, "Evangelical reporter Jack Kelley, fired from USA Today for exaggerating and plagiarizing stories over many years, yesterday apologized for making 'serious mistakes.'"

Exaggerations...

So when a woman who drowned fleeing Cuba by boat is found alive and well in America, the possibility of resurrection must be considered.

And while the three decapitated heads with blinking eyes that rolled down an street in Israel never existed, Kelley may have been recounting a divinely-inspired vision of the Holy Trinity, thus conveying a larger truth to the unsaved.

And when thousands of dollars in bogus expense vouchers were cashed, Jack was in throes of unholy torment from Old Scratch, and no one was around to cast the demons into nearby swine.

It seems like only last year that Marvin was advising the New York Times to "add[] biblical evangelicals and orthodox Jews" to its staff because those folks were "likely to produce stories that have a firmer foundation than just snappy prose." Yeah, that should work wonders.

Here's some other possibilities for you to consider, Marv. Perhaps Mr. Kelley was exaggerating about his religious beliefs. Or maybe he was tempted by hanging around with people who think that lies are only exaggerations if they were told by the right kind of Christian.

(Link via World O'Lasky ... er ... World O'Crap.)

How Sharper Than A Serpent's Tooth

You'd think that after the old man kept his drunken ass out of Vietnam, Junior Dress-Up would at least have the courtesy not to call Poppy a spineless appeaser.

"The Iraqi people are looking ... at America and saying, are we going to cut and run again? That's what they're thinking as well,'' Bush said. "We're not going to cut and run if I'm in the Oval Office.''

But you'd be wrong.

Full Disclosure

Remember the hue and cry when 60 Minutes aired the interview with counterterrorism expert Richard Clarke, but failed to disclose that Clarke's book was published by another subsidiary of CBS parent Viacom?

Good.

Remember the hue and cry every time NBC fails to disclose in its numerous reports on the invasion of Iraq that its parent, General Electric, has multimillon dollar government contracts for the reconstruction of Iraq? Not to mention the untold millions it made on building the arsenal for the destruction of Iraq.

Didn't think so.

Not Entirely Grand Old Police Blotter: Green Day Edition

In a rare display of bipartisanship, and in honor of Earth Day, the Blotter reports on the budding criminal careers of Republicans and Democrats alike.

The (presumed) Dem is the wife of Democratic Senator Max Baucus. The Reliable Source reports:

Wanda Baucus, 56, is an anthropologist and painter who told court officials she now works on the Senate staff. Before obtaining an arrest warrant, a police officer talked to the alleged victim, Tierney Barron, 44, and three people who saw the incident in the parking lot at Johnson's Flower and Garden Center.

According to an affidavit filed to support the warrant, it all began while an employee was loading mulch into Barron's car and Baucus parked in a way that blocked Barron from leaving. As so often happens, "the two subjects exchanged words," states the affidavit.

While Barron sat in her car, Baucus "struck her in the face," the affidavit says. Barron got out and "the defendant continued to strike her upper body several times." Barron suffered a swollen cheek and scratches, the affidavit says.

Baucus got in her car and drove away -- then called police to report an assault. She returned to the scene with her husband, according to Channel 4, which had a camera there. She gave conflicting statements about the altercation, police said.

I guess she lost her composture.

As an e-mailer points out, and as Baucus's own website demonstrates, Baucus has a pretty high DINO rating. The site also reveals why Mrs. Baucus was so happy to take her husband's last name when they married.

In the same column, we learn of a young but not so bright staffer leaving the Republican Party for the a Green Party:

Last week the Capitol Police busted a young intern working for Rep. Ron Paul (R-Tex.) for toting a baggie of pot and a bong into the Cannon House Office Building, but they'll have to look the other way when stockbroker Irvin Rosenfeld brings his stash onto their territory today.

Had the intern been in Paul's home state of Texas -- and had he lacked Republican connections -- he'd soon be starting his five-year prison sentence. One of the hazards of too much dope smoking is that you start to take seriously the libertarian rhetoric of your boss.

We hope this helps the McPaper to recognize its strengths and weaknesses and speeds up its transformation into an all reality-TV-show-recap publication. And they should rehire Larry King.

Pegaloon

"[Bush] reminds me of a man I know who was imprisoned in Vietnam. We went to lunch in a place with short candles on the table. I was asking about the Hanoi Hilton. A waiter walked by and bumped the table, which made a candle tilt against a wicker basket full of bread. The basket was lined with paper napkins, which went up in flames. The man didn't change his tone of voice as he continued his story, quietly picked up the flaming basket, placed it on the floor and softly stepped on it with his large right shoe. The flames went out. He continued his narrative as he eyed a waiter, handed him the smoking basket and asked for more bread. President Bush reminds me of that guy. He would not offer sensitive or witty commentary on how odd it is to be surprised by fire on a spring day, but he would put the fire out."

In truth, he'd call his old man to ensure that he was kept 5,000 miles away from the fire, and have the government send someone else to put the fire out for him.

Nooners also says that Kerry reminds her of a sad, hollow tree, like the one in which she stores her nuts.

Rating: One and one-half magic dolphins.

p.s. -- I'm certain I first read the sobriquet "Pegaloon" somewhere else, but I can't remember where. If anyone knows, please let me know.

Update (4/23): A reader advises that TBogg is the originator of the word "Pegaloon," in this post from last November.

They've lost Bruce Bartlett.

Fortunately for them, no one reads Bartlett.

God Ate My Homework

Why Kelley -- a devout Christian who once told a magazine that he was drawn to journalism because "God has called me to proclaim truth" -- perpetrated such frauds remains a mystery. In his statement e-mailed to the newspaper Wednesday, he seemed mystified himself.

"I am now committed to taking the time to try to understand how I came to violate the principles I hold dear," his statement continues. "At the end of this process, I hope that I will be able to talk about all of this at greater length, in a way that may help others avoid making the mistakes I made."

There were no mistakes, there were lies.

How did you violate the principles you don't actually hold dear? By lying.

In summary, you are a liar.

Is that clear enough for you?

Of course, I had nothing to do with it, but it's my birthright as a blogger to think everything revolves around my noble efforts.

What do you mean that only works for right-wing bloggers?

Jonah Goldberg, Lying Sack of Shit

Girlyboy Jonah Goldberg, once again doing his research with one hand on his mouse and his brain on idle, is the latest dolt to misquote and distort -- that is, lie about -- Barbara Kingsolver.

Bat boy "quotes" Kingsolver as follows:

"Patriotism threatens free speech with death... It despises people of foreign birth. It has specifically blamed homosexuals, feminists and the American Civil Liberties Union. In other words, the American flag stands for intimidation, censorship, violence, bigotry, sexism, homophobia and shoving the Constitution through a paper shredder. Whom are we calling terrorists here?"

Patriotism seems to be falling to whoever claims it loudest, and we're left struggling to find a definition in a clamor of reaction. This is what I'm hearing: Patriotism opposes the lone representative of democracy who was brave enough to vote her conscience instead of following an angry mob. (Several others have confessed they wanted to vote the same way, but chickened out.) Patriotism threatens free speech with death. It is infuriated by thoughtful hesitation, constructive criticism of our leaders and pleas for peace. It despises people of foreign birth who've spent years learning our culture and contributing their talents to our economy. It has specifically blamed homosexuals, feminists and the American Civil Liberties Union. In other words, the American flag stands for intimidation, censorship, violence, bigotry, sexism, homophobia, and shoving the Constitution through a paper shredder? Who are we calling terrorists here? Outsiders can destroy airplanes and buildings, but it is only we, the people, who have the power to demolish our own ideals.

If you read the entire Kingsolver article, you'll see that she's referring to specific incidents, including the death threats that Barbara Lee received for voting against a bill giving Bush wide authority to use military force in response to the 9/11 attacks, and the death of a Sikh man whose killer proclaimed that he was an American. The reference to patriotism blaming gays, feminists and the ACLU is patently a reference to the statements of Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell made after 9/11. In short, Kingsolver is describing and criticizing how other people have defined (or demonstrated) patriotism, as is clear to any literate person.

Bat Boy isn't satisfied with distorting the meaning of the quote, however. He's got to rewrite it to fit his thesis. Without indicating the omission, Goldberg eliminates the reference to foreign-born persons "who've spent years learning our culture and contributing their talents to our economy." And he omits the question mark at the end of the second to last sentence, which demonstrates that Kingsolver is questioning how others define patriotism rather than offering her own definition. Because to leave it in would reveal Jonah's fraud.

There are two explanations here: Either Bat Boy read the article and deliberately misquoted Kingsolver, or (my guess) he lazily trawled the sewers of his mother's racist bulletin board (or freerepublic, clownhall, etc.) and stole the misquote from some other fraud.

Goldberg could have gotten the quote right had he spent 0.23 seconds on Google. Hell, he could have even found the accurate quote, with link -- albeit accompanied by an equally dishonest commentary -- on the National Review website. But that would require some integrity, and effort.

Not all of Jonah's statements are nearly so moronic or ill-timed, but... Ah, screw it.... All of Jonah's statements are equally as moronic and ill-timed.

Diebold Another Day

The Oakland Tribune, of all places, is advancing the story about the problems with Diebold computer voting machines in California. Here's the start of today's front page story:

Attorneys for Diebold Election Systems Inc. warned in late November that its use of uncertified vote-counting software in Alameda County violated California election law and broke its $12.7 million contract with Alameda County.

Soon after, a review of internal legal memos obtained by the Oakland Tribune shows Diebold's attorneys at the Los Angeles office of Jones Day realized the McKinney, Texas-based firm also faced a threat of criminal charges and exile from California elections.

Yet despite warnings from the state's chief elections officer, Diebold continued fielding poorly tested, faulty software and hardware in at least two of California's largest urban counties during the Super Tuesday primary, when e-voting temporarily broke down and voters were turned away at the polls.

And here's more:

Starting Wednesday, California elections regulators will debate punishing Diebold for fielding unapproved voting systems in violation of state law. They could ban the use of some or all Diebold equipment in California elections, even bar the nation's second largest voting-systems provider from doing business in the largest state.

...

At the time, Jones Day already was scoping potential defenses to a California False Claims Act suit against Diebold that is filed under seal and not publicly available.
...

If the plaintiffs prove that Diebold knowingly made misrepresentations to local governments to win voting-systems contracts, such as its $12.7 million sale to Alameda County and its $31 million sale to San Diego County, Diebold could face punitive damages for up to three times the contracts' value.

I wonder if this is enough to kill Diebold's "Accountability Last" version of electronic voting in California and across the country.

Roger's Unauthorized Practice of Medicine

If you're one of the tens of millions of Americans who doesn't have health insurance, my advice is register to vote.

Then, you can either vote for John Kerry or pretend to be a swing voter. It could save your life.

Well, me, for one. But they've pretty much conceded the point:

Republican wiseguys on Capitol Hill are distributing the "Official 2004 Democratic National Committee Convention Program," or so they insist.

The schedule of events includes a series of antiwar rallies, each followed by Sen. Ted Kennedy proposing a toast; a re-enactment of John Kerry's fake medal toss; tributes to Spain and France; and a homosexual "marriage" ceremony.

We'll let you know when Democrats obtain the "official" agenda of the Republican National Convention.

Stop, you're killing me.

Bossie Books

For those asking "Whatever happened to David Bossie," the answer is not death by autoerotic asphyxiation... whatever gave you that crazy idea?

Bossie, former toady to foamer Senator Lauch Faircloth, was last seen in August 2003, when he was congratulating George Bush on his "remarkable job" in Iraq, and last November, when he wrote an article bashing my good friend George Soros.

More recently, the subliterate scribe has given up the short form to write not one, but two, hefty tomes for WorldNutDaily Books: Intelligence Failure: How Clinton's National Security Policy Set the Stage for 9/11, due out June 3, and The Many Faces of John Kerry, due July 22.

The later release date on the second book is understandable, given that investigative journalist Bossie hasn't figured out who Democratic candidate will be. Bossie's publisher blurbs the book as follows:

Using the in-depth, investigative reporting he's become known for, Bossie will give readers the real scoop on the upcoming presidential election's Democratic nominee -- exposing his (or her) voting record, relevant family history, political influences, real stances on issues, chances for winning, and any shady or unethical dealings the candidate would rather not have the electorate know about. David Bossie, who has previously co-written two such books, has the access and the hard-nosed reporter's savvy to ferret out the truth about whoever the candidate turns out to be and present it to readers in a gripping, no-nonsense style.

Even without that basic information, the talented Bossie has already selected a title for the book and has assured his publisher it will run exactly 208 pages. You can't ask for more than that.

The Cost of War

Stephen Moore, in the New York Times:

"We don't want to put troops into a situation that is increasingly a public-relations problem for the president," said Stephen Moore, president of the Club for Growth, a group of conservative political donors. "No one wants body bags coming home in September and October."

(Thanks to reader Jim Fiala for the link; see also Pandagon for an opposing view.)

The Editors Of The Moonie Times Show Their Deep Respect For Condi

"Miss Rice"

In Memoriam

Today is the anniversary of two terrible events:

On April 19, 1993, the end of the standoff at the Branch Davidian compound in Waco, Texas occurred when David Koresh and his followers set their dwelling, themselves and their children on fire. The beginning of the standoff occurred 51 days earlier, when Koresh and his followers brutally murdered four ATF agents executing a search warrant. Every death that occurred at the Waco compound in February and April 1993 is the responsibility of Koresh and his followers, and no one else.

On April 19, 1995, terrorist Timothy McVeigh and his accomplice, Terry Nichols, murdered 168 men, women and children when McVeigh detonated a truck bomb at the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Contrary to the claims of fantasists like Laurie Mylroie and Janya Davis, the bombing was the product of home-grown racists and bigots, not Saddam Hussein. (Sadly, some of the survivors and victims' families have bought into that tripe.)

On April 19, 2004, news coverage of the anniversaries is minimal. There's some news about the state trial of convicted terrorist Nichols, but almost nothing on the child-molesting sociopath Koresh, whom the wingnuts and Congressional Republicans tried to rehabilitate as some sort of latter-day Davy Crockett. I hope that those who still seek to excuse these crimes or shift or spread the blame will give a second's thought to the murdered ATF agents, the public servants who were killed in service of this country, and the children who were Koresh's holy sacrifices and McVeigh's "collateral damage." For the sake of their own humanity.

And God Is My Father-In-L---

From nymetro.com:

At a recent dinner party hosted by New York Times D.C. bureau chief Philip Taubman and his wife, Times reporter Felicity Barringer, and attended by Arthur Sulzberger Jr., Maureen Dowd, Steven Weisman, and Elisabeth Bumiller, [Condoleezza] Rice was reportedly overheard saying, "As I was telling my husb--" and then stopping herself abruptly, before saying, "As I was telling President Bush." Jaws dropped, but a guest says the slip by the unmarried politician, who spends weekends with the president and his wife, seemed more psychologically telling than incriminating. Nobody thinks Bush and Rice are actually an item. A National Security Council spokesman laughed and said, "No comment."

A reader points me to this gem from the Bush press conference, in which Bush tackled a strawman:

BUSH: .... Some of the debate really center (sic) around the fact that people don't believe Iraq can be free; that if you're Muslim, or perhaps brown-skinned, you can't be self-governing and free. I strongly disagree with that. I reject that, because I believe that freedom is the deepest need of every human soul, and, if given a chance, the Iraqi people will be not only self-governing, but a stable and free society.

Let's see. Who said that if you're Muslim, or perhaps brown-skinned, you can't be self-governing and free?

Oh, I remember. These guys.

(Link via CounterBias.com.)

Bullshit, Not Ballots

Condoleezza Rice, who couldn't concieve of terrorists using an airplane as a missile, has no problem imagining that terrorists would seek to throw the Presidential election to John Kerry. Here's the smear:

WASHINGTON -- The United States is bracing for possible terrorist attacks before the November presidential election, national security adviser Condoleezza Rice said Sunday.

The opportunity for terrorists to try to influence the election, as was the case last month in Spain, appears to be an opportunity that would "be too good to pass up for them," Rice said.

"I think that we do have to take very seriously the thought that the terrorists might have learned, we hope, the wrong lesson from Spain," Rice told "Fox News Sunday."

"I think we also have to take seriously that they might try during the cycle leading up to the election to do something," she said.

Don't worry, Condi. There's nothing the terrorists could do which would cause me to vote for your idiot boss.

Other Peoples' Deaths

According to Plan of Attack, Book By A Hack:

Powell felt Cheney and his allies -- his chief aide, I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby; Deputy Defense Secretary Paul D. Wolfowitz; and Undersecretary of Defense for Policy Douglas J. Feith and what Powell called Feith's "Gestapo" office -- had established what amounted to a separate government. The vice president, for his part, believed Powell was mainly concerned with his own popularity and told friends at a dinner he hosted a year ago celebrating the outcome of the war that Powell was a problem and "always had major reservations about what we were trying to do."

Powell, meanwhile, needs to complete his analogy with reference to his own role.