Tuesday, January 08, 2013

Let's You and Him Fight

Jonah Goldberg, in his latest incarnation as Dr. Doughlittle, channels his pale mate, Derbyshire, in imagining the slaughter of Africans:
The news that an entire family of elephants was slaughtered by poachers in Kenya is depressing. I’m a big squish when it comes to charismatic megafauna, the technical term for really awesome big animals: tigers, whales, dolphins, elephants, lions etc. But I’m also a conservative in the purest sense of the word. The conservation of these creatures is its own reward. They speak to our place in the universe, the majesty of God’s creation, the imagination of children, and countless other intangible factors that resonate from the Bible to literature to our own childhoods.  
To that end, while I’m not sure it makes a lot of sense for the U.S. government to get officially involved militarily, I would love to see some foundation hire some ex-special forces to lend a hand in the worthwhile effort of shooting poachers.
There's literally no problem that shooting foreigners won't cure!

Pantload would shootl the poachers himself, but he's 43 years old, his family can't afford the lost income, and his ass is sorry.  However, he's on the fence as to whether American fodder soldiers should give their lives to save his pachyderm pals. He can be convinced, but he's just not there yet. 

Note also that Pantload's reverence is reserved for those awesome beasts he doesn't eat and/or which can't dine upon him for logistical reasons.  God's majesty and our place in the universe aren't reflected in future bacon cheeseburgers or human residents of Third World.

15 comments:

Ken Houghton said...

"They speak to our place in the universe, the majesty of God’s creation, the imagination of children, and countless other intangible factors that resonate from the Bible to literature to our own childhoods."

I admit using the King James Version, but I cannot find "elephant" anywhere in it. (I do have vague memories of another Jonah and a Big Fish, but I'll give odds yours eats seafood instead of vice versa.)

Note: Elephants are mentioned i both 1 and 2 Maccabees, but I believe Jonah's readers consider those books part of the Apocrypha.

Jon Hendry said...

I'm pretty much okay with shooting poachers in Africa.

And the idiot Asians who drive the market for animal parts they think are magic.

Montag said...

For the moment, Doughy's passive-aggressiveness will have to stand in for the sort of action he prefers, because I don't think mercenaries would work for the kind of money the World Wildlife Fund could offer, nor would they do so without immunity, regardless of the money.

It's very much in character for him, though, to watch an episode of Animal Planet and then beg for someone else to go Rambo on the problem.

Monty said...

Egads.

"I’m a big squish when it comes to charismatic megafauna, the technical term for really awesome big animals: tigers, whales, dolphins, elephants, lions etc."

Pics or it didn't happen.

Roger said...

Jon,

Just imagine Pantload's reax if someone suggested that it would be just peachy if U.N. troops took out American citizens who killed wild horses or bald eagles, or abused pets, or shot moose from a helicopter.

For that matter, imagine Pantload's response if someone applauded animal rights activists for shooting the executives of companies testing on animals.

Pantload is imagining a mercenary force hired to enter sovereign nations and shoot their citizens.

I'm all for preservation of wildlife and enforcement of laws against poaching -- I'm against Goldberg's sick fantasies of viligantes dispatching African citizens just because Lucianne reads Babar to Pantload at bedtime.

blowback said...

"just because Lucianne reads Babar to Pantload at bedtime."

You've quite ruined my day.

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DanF said...

But f the caribou - drill-baby-drill:

http://old.nationalreview.com/flashback/goldberg200503180758.asp

AmIright?

mark f said...

charismatic megafauna, the technical term for really awesome big animals: tigers, whales, dolphins, elephants, lions etc.

Christ, he writes like a high school kid who thinks he's really good at it.

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