Grand Old Police Blotter: Defense of Marriage Act Edition

Love is all about protecting those you love. And Mike O'Neal (R - Okla) is the personification of love. O'Neal believes that heterosexual-only marriage is "unique relationship" and a "really valuable foundation."

GOP members of the Oklahoma House have offered three measures opposing gay marriages. House Joint Resolution 1042, by Rep. Mike O'Neal, R-Enid, would submit to a vote of the people a proposed change in the Constitution that states "only the union of one man and one woman shall be valid or recognized as a marriage in Oklahoma."

O'Neal said making a change in the state Constitution would prevent the Oklahoma Supreme Court from taking action like that of the Massachusetts court.

"That's the way you deal with courts and the politically correct environment," O'Neal said. "You put all your really valuable foundations in state constitutions. And the unique relationship of marriage is one of those foundations."

So adamant is O'Neal in his belief that heterosexual marriage is a really valuable foundation that he's willing to expound on the subject to women in hot tubs, but only if they are appropriately attired. According to the Enid (OK) News & Eagle, on Tuesday night, O'Neal

introduced himself and presented a business card to a group of people from Tulsa who had journeyed to Oklahoma City for a conference in the hotel.

[He] then told one of the women in the group to get into some boxer shorts and a T-shirt and meet him in the whirlpool, according to the report. The woman declined and left.

Unable to reason with that woman, O'Neal approached another victim of the courts and the politically correct environment, and whispered to her, "Heterosexual marriage is an institution, but the warden's back in Enid so...."

He then sat on a sofa and began a conversation about marriage with the female victim, according to the report. The suspect, who reportedly was intoxicated, allegedly leaned over and asked the female victim an obscene question, according to the report.

The question was "you don't support obscene gay marriages, do you?"

In fact, the courageous O'Neal was so adamant about the value of heterosexual marriage that he reportedly attempted to restrain the woman after she threatened to vote against his marriage amendment.

Telling police later she "was in such a shock" that she got up and was attempting to gather some friends to join her in leaving when the suspect allegedly grabbed her left buttock and squeezed it tightly, according to the report.

Sensing that the will of the people was in peril, O'Neal pursued the matter even further.

The victim told police she was scared and left the lounge area, running with another friend to the elevator. As the elevator was closing with the victim and friend inside, according to the report, the suspect reportedly stuck his arms through the opening and spread the doors apart. The victim and friend ran underneath his extended arms. The victim called hotel security from her room and later was treated for a sprained ankle suffered when she ran away from the suspect, according to the report.

Well done, Mike! That's one woman who will never again question the sanctity of heterosexual marriage.

Asked about his heroic feats by the News & Eagle, O'Neal modestly stated, "I just can't talk about it right now, OK?"

A special debt of gratitude is owed to O'Neal by his wife, Jennie, and children, Katie, Dennis and Tricia, whose marriage and family have been strengthened immeasurably by O'Neal's defensive tactics.

According to the News & Eagle, O'Neal also introduced a bill in January 2003 limiting the use of incompatibility as a reason for divorce. You might want to put that bill on the fast-track, Mikey.

(Link via Buzzflash.)

Update: It's almost as if Mikhaela Blake Reid predicted this. Heh.

Update 2 (2/15): Added Enid News & Eagle link and updated official bio link. Mikey's a member of the Oklahoma House of Representatives' "Wildlife Committee," so he may try to claim legislative immunity. And it's got an e-mail address for those wishing to discuss the uniqueness of marriage with O'Neal.