Clowntime is over

Roger's back, and yay for that. While I certainly appreciate his letting me post here in his absence, doing so has always made me feel like one of those people who rush to fill an empty seat during the broadcast of the Academy Awards. No one tunes in to watch some waiter from Encino sit down.

But before the band plays me off, I'd like to thank Roger for letting me post here. It was an honor and a thrill. Thanks too to my fellow seat-fillers and new friends Ron B. and Kikuchiyo Jones, who also did what they could to keep things interesting around here. And thanks to you, readers, for your suggestions and comments, both kind and otherwise.

I now return to my home blog, Yazoo Street Scandal. Please drop by if you have the time.

Better Dead Than Red

I have returned from my humanitarian mission to the Red States, more convinced than ever that those political subdivisions would make nice parking lots. I got back late last night and am still recovering from the century lag.

But before I crawl to bed, I'd like to give a sincere thank you to Ron B., Anthony Cartouche and Kikuchiyo Jones for blogging in my interminable absence. If they ever need anything, they should know I've got their backs. And I hope they'll all come back for a curtain call, so they can plug their blogs, websites, causes, candidates, worthless crap they're trying to unload on eBay or whatever else they've got.

I see that Ted Stevens, Monica Goodling, Kyle Sampson, Bob Novak and John "The Fudge Haus Warrior" McCain have been up to no good in my absence as well. Once I get the extra codeine out of my system, I'll be posting again at full strength.

Milbank, You Fucking Blockhead

Here's Skull and Bones Dana at his best(debatable, of course):


This is Dana Milbank at his worst, sounding like David Brooks:

Barack Obama has long been his party’s presumptive nominee. Now he’s becoming its presumptuous nominee.

Fresh from his presidential-style world tour, during which foreign leaders and American generals lined up to show him affection, Obama settled down to some presidential-style business in Washington yesterday. He ordered up a teleconference with the (current president’s) Treasury secretary, granted an audience to the Pakistani prime minister and had his staff arrange for the chairman of the Federal Reserve to give him a briefing. Then, he went up to Capitol Hill to be adored by House Democrats in a presidential-style pep rally.

Along the way, he traveled in a bubble more insulating than the actual president’s. Traffic was shut down for him as he zoomed about town in a long, presidential-style motorcade….
The 5:20 TBA turned out to be his adoration session with lawmakers in the Cannon Caucus Room, where even committee chairmen arrived early, as if for the State of the Union. Capitol Police cleared the halls — just as they do for the actual president. The Secret Service hustled him in through a side door — just as they do for the actual president.

Inside, according to a witness, he told the House members, "This is the moment . . . that the world is waiting for," adding: "I have become a symbol of the possibility of America returning to our best traditions."

Meanwhile...

BUT A DEMOCRATIC SOURCE SAYS: “His entire point of that riff was that the campaign IS NOT about him. [The Post] left out the important first half of the sentence, which was along the lines of: ‘It has become increasingly clear in my travel, the campaign, that the crowds, the enthusiasm, 200,000 people in Berlin, is not about me at all. It’s about America. I have just become a symbol … .”

Make Yale proud, Dana. Besides, fact-checking is so passe in modern journalism. It isn't his fault.

Who?

Virginia Gov. Tim Kaine appears to be emerging as the frontrunner in the race to be named Barack Obama’s Democratic vice presidential running mate.

Kaine, a former Richmond mayor, would satisfy many of the criteria Obama is seeking in a running mate. He is an outside-the-Beltway type, suggesting he represents “change,” Obama’s key campaign theme. He also is very popular in an important potential swing state this year, and could attract Catholics, Hispanics and working-class voters.

And of course Fox has to stick the knife in:

However, Kaine has no foreign policy background to speak of nor has he achieved any major or notable accomplishment while governor.

Know what, Fox? It's about motherfucking time we had some people who are going to concentrate on domestic issues. As for this claim that Kaine hasn't done anything, perhaps they could engage in some real journalism and go to his website. Assholes.

Let's Clear The Air A Little Here

Let's begin with a few testimonials about your experiences and firsthand knowledge of the community known as Unitarian Universalism. My experience with them was several years ago. It's kind of a hippie church- the director greeted me while planting some seeds in Birkenstocks-and his wife had cornrow hair, dressed in mountain climbing gear. All faiths were welcome, they said-including those who have no faith, like me. This can hardly be considered "Christian". What I do know is that they have Christian values-charity, good will, and fellowship of man. They are the only all-inclusive "church" that I know of. Homosexuals are welcomed with open arms.

So, does anyone have a UU experience that they'd like to share?

Next-let's discuss atheism. How many violent atheists have you met?

(crickets)

Most of us are progressive, intellectual, curious and mild-mannered. There are even conservative atheists, and they are indeed intellectual, just in a backwards way. I have never, ever met an atheist who was a violent person. There may be some, because there are psychopaths in every walk of life-I'm sure Christians wouldn't like it if we thought that doctor killers were representative of their faith.

Here's a secret: Atheists usually have Christian values.

They just don't think they can be derived only from God. There are volumes of philosophy dating back to the Greeks that establish morality as a human issue. One of the chief complaints that atheists have about Christians is they talk the talk, but don't walk the walk. Many prominent church leaders are combative and hostile and make enemies out of anyone who is not a Judeo-Christian. I am part of a Freethinkers society where pagans, wiccans, atheists, pantheists and the like all get together and fellowship, often at a park. Never will you hear anyone proselytize their beliefs. Like UU, it's an acceptance thing. We like you because you are moral, and that's about the extent of it. If you are a dogmatic dick and start arguing with people, you won't be welcome for very long.

Now, one of PWs commenters thinks that atheists are crazy whackjobs who hate Christians. This is never true. I personally believe that Jesus is just alright with me; I think he was a great philosopher. I do not believe he's the son of God, though. Besides, worshiping Christ is about the last thing he wanted; true, he had acolytes, but they were there to assist him and be witness to his actions.

Let's put a question to him-why would our commenter come to the defense of a church who violates several precepts of Christianity, one whose members sometimes are not Christian? Why would a nutjob pick a UU church to show Christians a lesson? Is that person an atheist when most violence is anathema to nonbelievers?

One more thing. What is the troll policy here? I prefer engagement once the name-calling is done, but if troll feeding is verboten here, I'll drop this immediately.

UPDATE: The Rude Pundit also has experienced the same thing I have at Unitarian gatherings.

UPDATE 2: Kos diarist Elrod finds a KPD news conference that alleges that the shooter wanted to kill "liberals and gays". And, the dude left a four page manifesto on the subject. Manifesto unpublished at this time. So basically we have a hate crime. I won't go so far as to say the man was a Christian-let's just leave it as pyscho-fuckheadedness. Oh, by the way, the diarist is the first person I am aware of that has had firsthand experience of the UU church. He's a member. So far, that is the only unimpeachable source I have seen so far, but I'm sure conservatives have their own narrative, which I suspect will be debunked soon.

UPDATE 3: Now we are getting somewhere. Neighbor says shooter considered himself a "Confederate" and believer in the "Old South". I think we can tell where this is heading and who this clown really was.

UPDATE 4: Look, I'm just trying to bolster my case, thus disproving PW commenter serr8ed's insistence that UU churches are solely Christian. Sara at Orcinus is a Unitarian who knows that a UU person did not do this, and what a Unitarian is and what they are not.

UPDATE 5: Still want to defend the Church, serr8ed? They started a chapter of the ACLU. I think it's safe to say your version of the killings is in shreds.

UPDATE 6: I think that our pal serr8ed won't be back for another beating. This man has no dick.

No Time for Sergeants

I'm really having trouble finding out whether Commander in Chief George W. Bush found time on his visit to Germany on 6/11/2008 to visit the wounded at Landstuhl.

He broke them, he should visit them.

Warm Fuzzy Time

This hits you right in the heart.

SEATTLE - Decades after a World War II cover-up at Fort Lawton in Seattle, 28 African-American veterans received apologies and honorable discharges in a ceremony at the same spot where they were wrongly convicted years ago.

On Aug. 14, 1944, a riot broke out on the post. Black soldiers in segregated barracks were accused of sparking the violence due to resentment over treatment of Italian prisoners of war. An Italian POW, Guglielmo Olivotto, was later found hanging dead on wires in a post obstacle course.

Forty-three black soldiers were tried in the largest court-martial of World War II. Of those, 28 were found guilty of rioting and sentenced to as many as 25 years in prison. Three were also convicted of manslaughter.

When evidence emerged years later showing that the court-martial proceeding was grossly flawed and that the prosecutor had withheld critical evidence, the Army opened an investigation.

Based on the results of that probe, the Army overturned the convictions of all the black soldiers who were court-martialed.

Stick that in your pipe, Bill Cosby. That's integrity.

Shit You Don't Care About

My five-year old, out of the blue, reads. He gave us no clues that he knew most of the sounds in the alphabet and knows intuitively how to put the phonetics together. How did that happen? It's like the reading fairy came to visit yesterday.

I spent an hour, stunned as he read every word I put in front of him. Spines of books, cleaning products, food cans and jars-90% on target most of the time. He doesn't have his silent e and diphthongs in place yet, but I am one proud papa. I had nothing to do with his ability. I mean, I'd occasionally show him how to sound out words, but he doesn't just sound them out-he does it in his head, then completes the word in total.

To celebrate, here is Charlie singing The Dead Milkmen's "RC's Mom".

I Wish This Was Photoshopped

Paid For By John McCain 2008. I suck at resizing.

Does this look familiar...ah yes.

This Was Your Life

Pasty Goldstein, RIP 2001-2008


The 'dillo, RIP 2001-2008

In memoriam of one of the more unfunny wingnut bloggers (the harder one tries...), I will post what must be the definitive eulogy for the great Cock-Slapper. HTML Mencken, please come up and say a few kind words.

And Sadly, No! gets plenty of traffic, bitches. Not a one of Jeff's pedantic rants "measures" up to this vivisection.

Don't let the door

All things must pass: Jeff Goldstein has left Protein Wisdom.

This news came as quite a shock to me, as I had no idea that Protein Wisdom was still in operation.

So long, Jeff. You'll be missed.

By Pablo, Dan Collins, and Doreen. I doubt that anyone else will give a shit.

Disappointed

This may be harsh, but I think that a fair percentage of this song is apropos for what Barack Obama said about Iran.




Disappointed
Promises
Promises
Old tired
Worn out second hand sentences

Disappointed a few people
When friendship reared its ugly head
Disappointed a few people
Well, isn't that what friends are for
What are friends for

This erratic haphazard
Fluttering
This to-ing and fro-ing
Like a confused moth
The collusion
Illusion
And it's all ad infinitum

Again-Go Easy on Scottie

I have maintained for some time that Scott McLellan, although a shill for the White House, has the potential to be a whistleblower-not a significant one, but it's important to hear a renegade staffer confirm what we suspected:
On MSNBC’s Hardball last night, host Chris Matthews asked former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan if he saw “FOX television as a tool” to get the White House’s “message out” while he was in the Bush administration. “Certainly there were commentators and other, pundits at FOX News, that were useful to the White House,” replied McClellan, adding that they were given “talking points.”

Making a distinction between journalists like Brit Hume and commentators like Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly, McClellan admitted that “certainly” the White House used Fox News talking heads as “spokespeople” with “a script”.

McClellan later told MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann that “it was done frequently, especially on high-profile issues” and that Fox often gave the White House “its desired results.” Current Press Secretary Dana Perino would only tell Olbermann, “I’m not aware of that.”

I mean, what's she going to say? "Hey-you got us. Any other gotchas out there?" What a load off that would be. She'd probably cry.

Voila!

Leave it to Johnny McCain to fuck logic by inferring that a) the surge is too complimacated for the plebes to understand and then b)Bush's executive order to offshore drill here is what caused the drop in gas prices. As Tom says:

Isn’t this great? Do you realize what this means??? Just think of the incredible implications of McCain’s revelation. We don’t need to drill for oil any more!. All we have to do is say we’re going to, and — Presto! Lower prices!

Even Peroxide Perino is a little mystified by his assertions:

The White House didn't go that far. Presidential spokeswoman Dana Perino said the price drop also could reflect diminished demand.

"I don't know if we fully deserve the credit," Perino said.

Does McCain in his quieter moments wonder why that goddamn albatross is hung squarely around his neck?

Excellent timing of that shot, no?

Weiner Update

There have been consequences for Weiner regarding his suggestion that autistic kids just need their ass kicked a little.

WHK AM/1420, the only Cleveland-area station carrying Savage's radio talk show, is break ing its contract with Savage's syndicator, Talk Radio Net work, said Mark Jaycox, who manages the Cleveland stations under the Salem Com munications corporate um brella. WHK is owned by Cali fornia-based Sa lem Communi cations.

"This guy's a knucklehead, and I want to get rid of him," Jaycox said.

Jaycox decided to yank Savage after receiving about two dozen calls and e-mails from parents of autistic children, who said they were hurt by the remarks.

“I had one dad almost cry,” Jaycox said.

How many near misses is this jagoff going to squeak by on before everyone realizes he's the Gordon Prothero of radio?

Seroquel: Freud's Friend

Anyone here on Seroquel? If you are, you're still asleep, probably. And, you had a fucked up dream again, which you most likely remember. Mine was a little fuzzy, but I clearly remember working at a supermarket, but for some reason I was wearing my sergeant stripes on my Army uniform. I got demoted(never happened) to Specialist to make room for some other guy to lead the produce section. This really bugged me, so I wrote a long essay on some arcane message about...something. We had a meeting, and while the floor manager read my essay, behind a wall was playing the Dead Kennedys really fucking loud. I have no idea why, probably listening to Lard yesterday. This is the second time that my old job has crept into my distorted ass dreams, and I don't know why I am still hung up on my experiences there.

When I first strated on Seroquel, the dreams were super vivid, complicated, and long. The first one involved Ray Wise, and he was a born again Christian who was really getting on my nerves in some hotel I lived in. I pushed one of his minions and he fell down, causing a huge wound. I leapt across a thin ledge of vending machines to get to a pharmacy. Bernadette Peters was the pharmacist, looking quite leggy in a white lab coat. She gave me an ice pack for the dude.

Next, I wound up in jail with Ed Asner, playing a game with lunchmeat as the, er, "pieces". You can read the unabridged version of these dreams here and here.

I have Googled "seroquel dreams" and this is evidently a phenomenon. Most peoples' dreams are nightmares; mine are just bizarre. If you are on this fucked up drug, tell us about it. I certainly don't want to tell anyone else...namely my doctors.

Psst

I have a confession to make. Is anyone familiar with the Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler? Yeah, I was a member. I had to back off that crowd when they thought that the WTC memorial was in the shape of a fucking Muslim Red Crescent, seen here:


If you are wondering what I was thinking, I can't honestly tell you. I fell for the Fox News line; I was blinded by revenge and righteousness.

This is an example of me having my head so far up my ass I tasted shit off my teeth. Anyway, if you are inclined, go have a little ruffhouse with my friends there. Misha has a respectable "hands off" approach to comments, so you can have a little fun, and he doesn't take himself very seriously. Tell him I said hi. Now I'm practically a socialist. Strange days.

Ca Plane (Aman)Pour Moi

How clever of me to not notice! Fuck, I don't know what that means. Anyone? Did I even get that right? Strange and terrible memories from 120 Minutes. Anyway, archcon Nikolas Sarkozy has an "Oh merde" moment when Christiane Amanpour boxes him into a corner re his shorthand for black rioters in France as le scum:



He's right about our treatment of blacks, though.

UPDATE: I have neglected to provide readers with the necessary understanding of something called the Plastic Bertrand. Sonic Youth did a cool cover of this. Thanks to ifthethunderdontgetya for the tip.

Comics Time

My old Amnesty Blogger Day pal Dugan doodles off this patch of crosshatch:

Retroactive Reviews

Sure, why not go back to yesteryear, when rock was king and poseurs died a horrible death at the hands of the consume-a-tariat.

Sweet Jesus, what fuckin' decade am I talking about?

Look. I don't know Duke Ellington from Doug Martsch. I have spent 20 years buying records and I am still as square as they come. I have not entered that phase yet where say, Killing Joke, free jazz, or Delta blues has any fascination for me-but I am enough of a rock dilettante to know what good shit is. I need to smoke more marijuana-and then even the Spice Girls will open new vistas as I go thru the smoke rings of my mind. Whatever.

I just got Big Star's Third from Amazon. Took me a fucking month to get it, and when it arrived its jewel case was cracked off. Now I have three parts of the damned CD-how fitting. I have all three now, and I can safely say that the 'Mats were right when they said they couldn't go very far without a little Big Star.

Big Star purists would agree with me, no doubt(doubtful) that Radio City was their peak. You could tell that Chilton was falling apart, and it showed in his arrangements. You can feel the band reeling best in "Life Is White", and I am a sucker for commercial suicide(see Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music" for a good example. I bought it, I admit it. I cannot say that I have listened to all four sides. Until I get some fabulous dank, I imagine I will not). I don't care how manic I get(yo, bipolar in the house, say ho).

So, on to Sister Lovers. It is vastly overrated. Most of the album is unfinished, save for "Thank You Friends", which some have interpreted as a backhanded compliment to all of his pals. I don't agree, I regard it as Alex's swan song. Well, not exactly-"Like Flies On Sherbet" has got to win Best Fucking Example Of A Shattered Ego Recording His Artistic Demise. Although he beat the Cramps to punkabilly, and wound up producing, strangely enough, the Cramps' first record.

All things considered, it is a good album. It brims with Jerry Lee-like piano plunking, which Big Star always had in their arsenal. If you are depressed, you will grok this puppy. "Holocaust" is the record's nadir, where Chilton sings about dead parents and the like. You get an odd cover of the Velvet's "Femme Fatale", and some more of that echoey piano in "Jesus Christ". "Kangaroo" has shards of feedback roiling through it, which is Alex's first nod to punk/metal. Alex's thin, reedy, nasal voice seems to be crying out that he wish he could quit recording this travesty.

Let me take this space to highly recommend "Set", otherwise titled "Loose Shoes Tight Pussy". Chilton is back in form, doing obscure covers in one take. Easily one of my favorite records.

I can stop this whorship of nostalgia any time. I was but a twee lad in the seventies (thank whatever), so I don't claim to understand the ethos of the time. I did, however, cut my teeth on the Beatles "White Album"... fave song? You guessed it-Revolution #9. I interspersed this with "Cookie Monster's Greatest Hits" and "Big Bird Sings!" and of course, everyone had by decree to own Rumors, at least one Billy Joel album, Frampton Comes Alive, Boston, the Disco Duck single, and Rhapsody In Blue by the Big Apple Orchestra. Maybe, with the right pot, I will break out my "Superfriends" 45 case and go back to a happier time.

Night Sweats

Ever go for more than a day without the internet? Christ, that was worse than quitting smoking.

I have not quit yet. For those of you with an addictive personality, you understand. What's a gentleman without a vice or two? Not one you can trust.

So I'm going to sit here with my Six Shilling Ale from Odell Brewing, pore over the news, take an antidepressant or ten, and get my feet wet again. I really hate that part when your balls first get wet. Ladies, ask your husband/significant other. There's a reason why we are the weaker sex.

We meet again, Trebek

Josh Fruhlinger, also known as The Comics Curmudgeon, recently appeared on the television quiz show Jeopardy. He wrote about his experience here.

The question that tripped up the contestants on Final Jeopardy? I would have gotten it wrong too. I bet Roger would have nailed it.

I tried out for the show last month and am hoping to be called as a contestant. I'll let you know about it if I do. If I get on and win I might even buy you all a hot dog or something.

But only one, Goldberg. Only one.

(Cross-posted at Yazoo Street Scandal.)

No sale

Born again virgin Dawn Eden attempts to make her case to the Australians and it is painfully obvious that they are not buying

Staying chaste @ Yahoo!7 Video

Awkward doesn't begin to describe it.

Folks:

I've run into some money trouble lately, and that is the reason for my disappearance. For those of you that give two figs, I'll be back tomorrow with an avalanche of posts that I'm sure will ruffle some feathers(the number, that is). I see you are all in the other Johnsons' hands, so for that I am glad. We hope you are having as good a time reading us as much as we do writing. For three teeny bloggers, this has been a real blast, and I really think Roger is thee shiznit for allowing us to pollute/dilute his blog with vastly inferior snark.

Stay classy, intertube surfers!

RonB

Should we file this under #1?

Dr. Melissa Clouthier explains the "Five Scariest Things About Barack Obama" and surprisingly not one of them is that he is, you know, one of, (looks both ways and speaking without moving lips)"a b-l-ck man":

An evangelical, very religious conservative friend of mine wrote and asked me what scared me about Obama. Well, there’s more than a few things.

1. Elitism: Barack Obama thinks he’s better than the average American. He believes that Americans are stupid. Therefore, he will be justified in putting forth all sorts of policies that are “good” for us, but that the people don’t want.

2. Bad Judgment: [lacks the common decency to be a Republican]

3. Increasing Taxes: [something Larry Kudlow probably once said]

4. Ideology: [hates America, wants to destroy it]

5. Lack of Core Values: [see "Elitism" and "Ideology"]

Unmentioned is the fact that Barack Obama likely views people who pass themselves off as being a "doctor" when they are actually a chiropractor as being a bit disingenuous.

But that's just Obama being all elitist and stuff.

A Little controversy

What with damn near everybody in the world going nutzoid over Barry Blitt's illustration for the cover of last week's issue of the New Yorker, it's a fair bet that many people never got around to reading the articles and stories inside. And that's too bad, because they missed out on a wonderful, absorbing article by Jill Lepore about the circumstances surrounding the writing, publication, and reception of E.B. White's classic book "Stuart Little."

But you, o savvy Roger Ailes reader, can read Lepore's article here. It's worth the click and your time, I promise.

McCain to media: Hey, look at me!

As much as I admire Josh Marshall and his Talking Points Memo empire, it's safe to say that he is known more for his political acumen and news judgment than for his prose style. But every once in a while he knocks the ball out of the park:

As you may know, the McCain campaign has just put out a web video called "Obama Love," a mash-up of clips of various TV commentators gushing over Obama. But let's remember we've all seen the McCain Love video. It's called watching the last dozen years of political television. Indeed, the political press's reckless and giddy love for McCain is so universally acknowledged that McCain himself has often joked about the press as his "base." So what do we have here but a candidate who can't brook the idea of not campaigning on a wave of press adulation? And now he's framing his whole candidacy around a campaign of strategic whining about the claim that the political press is treating his younger opponent like he's been treated for over a decade. He's got the preening and envy of a sore losing runner-up for prom queen.

Tomorrow's spin today

This wasn't supposed to happen:

The White House expressed unhappiness Monday about Iraqi leaders' public backing for Barack Obama's troop withdrawal timetable. And it said that Baghdad may be trying to use the U.S. presidential election as leverage in talks about the future of American's military presence and obligations in the war.

How do conservatives spin this?

Islamists make common cause with Barack HUSSEIN Obama.
Told you.
Told you.
Told you.

I don't blame the guy

Looks like 41 wishes he could trade lives with the probable 44:

There’s been plenty of second-guessing from Republican critics about Barack Obama's large-scale public events and speeches scheduled for his visit to Europe this week — but former President George H.W. Bush isn't one of them.

Asked today whether, as a former head of state who has a sensitivity about protocol, he has any thoughts about the appropriateness of Obama's planned events, the former President replied, "A little jealous, is all."

I guess if your children included the man whose name is synonymous with "miserable failure" and a married man who had sex with Asian prostitutes while on "business trips," you'd be jealous of just about anyone.

Why women become lesbians

Why women become lesbians

Without comment....

Gramm Cracker

Stupid fuck Phil Gramm gets ousted from the Tall Talk Express:

News broke at roughly 7:20 p.m ET this evening (July 18, 2008) that John McCain's "economic guru," Phil - whiner - Gramm, stepped down.

How many more? By the time November rolls around, it'll just be Johnny and his Robotron 9000 arm jewelry.

Awesome

Another crimp in McCain's Depends:

The clear endorsement of Senator Barack Obama by Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki Saturday morning came as a strong blow to the McCain campaign.

McCain has claimed a superiority to Obama in matters of foreign policy as a major selling point to his candidacy for president, but that position is more difficult in the wake of al-Maliki's statement.

After hearing of the announcement, a sometime adviser to the McCain campaign said in an email, "We're f**ked," according to Mark Ambinder of The Atlantic.

Indeed, you are.

Y'all let me know when the clips become a little indulgent.

I Just Threw Up A Little In My Mouth

From the Weiner Nation:

"I'll tell you what autism is. In 99 percent of the cases, it's a brat who hasn't been told to cut the act out. That's what autism is. What do you mean they scream and they're silent? They don't have a father around to tell them, 'Don't act like a moron. You'll get nowhere in life. Stop acting like a putz. Straighten up. Act like a man. Don't sit there crying and screaming, idiot.'"

"[I]f I behaved like a fool, my father called me a fool. And he said to me, 'Don't behave like a fool.' The worst thing he said -- 'Don't behave like a fool. Don't be anybody's dummy. Don't sound like an idiot. Don't act like a girl. Don't cry.' That's what I was raised with. That's what you should raise your children with. Stop with the sensitivity training. You're turning your son into a girl, and you're turning your nation into a nation of losers and beaten men. That's why we have the politicians we have."

"[W]hy was there an asthma epidemic amongst minority children? Because I'll tell you why: The children got extra welfare if they were disabled, and they got extra help in school. It was a money racket. Everyone went in and was told [fake cough], 'When the nurse looks at you, you go [fake cough], "I don't know, the dust got me." ' See, everyone had asthma from the minority community."

Whew. That is one steaming pile of hate. But he has six thousand degrees! One of them is in botany, though-must be a fag.

Chavismo Comes To The Live Free Or Die State

Free oil, that is:

Two years ago, New Hampshire refused to accept heating oil from Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, the pro-Castro U.S. critic who once called President Bush “the devil.” But with fuel prices rising, well, free oil is free oil. With the state’s blessing, New Hampshire residents will be receiving some of the fuel this winter.

Discussion time-what is your opinion of Hugo Chavez? I like the guy. He heads one of the few countries that ignore Bush prick-waving, and never misses an opportunity to jab a finger in Chimpster's eye.

Another McCain Surrogate Opens His Big Fuggin' Trap

Yo, John Boy-does this guy speak for you or himself?

One of John McCain's fellow POW's in Vietnam defended the war in Iraq, saying, "The Muslims have said either we kneel or they're going to kill us.''In a phone call with reporters arranged by Republican Party of Florida, Colonel Bud Day added: "I don't intend to kneel and I don't advocate to anybody that we kneel, and John doesn't advocate to anybody that we kneel.

Blubbity blibber, click, pting! What fucking alternate universe are this people coming from? How do you paint 1/4 of the world's population with a brush the size of a skyscraper? Perhaps the Superman universe?

Crazy Dan




No wait, wrong Dan. Here's another Crazy Dan:



Damn, dude, at least correct yourself. Someone correct him. Jesus.

Waka Jawaka

Wingnut irony-it never fails to deliver teh laugh. NRO:

"Obama supports higher taxes for a government-run nanny state that will coddle all Americans like babies," "Obama gets support from Leonardo DiCaprio, Matt Damon, Oprah Winfrey, Tom Hanks, and every weenie in Hollywood," "Obama is married to a bitter, angry lawyer," etc.

Obama "projects weakness," and not just "the vacillating, flip flopping weakness of your garden variety politician," but a "screaming, flashing, neon light on the forehead weakness."

Kirsanow also finds weakness in Obama's "attitude and demeanor." He doesn't really explain, though he does mention famous bachelor Adlai Stevenson, claim (without supporting examples) that "when Obama tries to talk tough it sounds either silly or plaintive," and make a jerking motion with his fist near his mouth while poking his cheek with his tongue.

Yeah. Because the NRO stable is full of testosterone breathing, bucking studs.

Make the homies say ho and the girlies wanna scream!

The Dude Bomb

Dr. James Ketchum tested a potent form of synthetic marijuana on soldiers to develop a secret weapon in the '60s. Now he's telling the tale.

Ketchum was referring to his work at Edgewood Arsenal, headquarters of the U.S. Army Chemical Corps, in the 1960s, when America's national security strategists were high on the prospect of developing a nonlethal incapacitating agent, a so-called humane weapon, that could knock people out without necessarily killing anyone. Top military officers hyped the notion of "war without death," conjuring visions of aircraft swooping over enemy territory releasing clouds of "madness gas" that would disorient the bad guys and dissolve their will to resist, while U.S. soldiers moved in and took over.

Now there's some collateral damage I would not mind being a victim of.

Hear Hear

Stickers available at BartCop.

Let's Go To The Movies

I watched the Fellini Satyricon last night.

Oh my dog, what a trip. I don't think I've seen anything this profoundly fucked before. I'm a big David Lynch fan, but this outpaces even his skullfuckery. Even weirder than El Topo. You will want to keep the bong and the amyl nitrate close for this mammyjammer.

The storyline is...

is...

I have no idea. Slave boys, gibbering midgets, luxury drunk Roman consuls, priapism, spotty subtitling, lavish, deranged sets-Fellini deserves credit for keeping the whole mess in control. It's a filmic travesty, and an insult to good taste-so see it.

No Mention Of Wes Clark...Interesting

The latest Zogby poll results on who voters would like to see as Obama's Vice President is a little odd. Leading the pack? Colin Powell.

Likely Voters		Democrats		Independents
	More Likely	Less Likely	More Likely	Less Likely	More Likely	Less Likely
Colin Powell	42%	10%	42%	12%	43%	9%
Hillary Clinton	30%	25%	47%	15%	33%	26%
Bill Richardson	15%	10%	9%	13%	12%	9%
Joe Biden	11%	16%	6%	22%	11%	13%
Kathleen Sebelius	7%	11%	10%	11%	7%	9%
Tim Kaine	7%	11%	8%	10%	8%	8%
Evan Bayh	6%	12%	9%	9%	7%	9%

I assume that most of you are Obama supporters. I thought Taylor Marsh's behavior was an absolute disgrace. I didn't know Democrats were capable of such rancor and bile. Being a recovering conservative myself, I knew what those cocksuckers were capable of-I had no idea that the smarter half of the electorate could be so petty and venal.

Back to the survey. Powell has had it with politics. He faithfully served Republican administrations for over 20 years, and for his efforts he was presented with being the man who lied to the UN about Iraq, providing the impetus for America's stupidest war. Somehow I doubt he's going to be excited about a return to the political grind. Fool him once-he can't get fooled again.

When the county won't give you no more methadone

From Lileksville, USA, comes a sordid little story about someone accused of stealing narcotic medication. Refreshingly, this time Cindy McCain doesn't seem to be directly involved:

A nurse who works at the Hennepin County Jail and is married to a sheriff's deputy was charged Thursday with two felony theft counts for allegedly removing methadone from the jail dispensary.

Sarah DeSpiegeleare is charged with stealing methadone intended for an inmate on two occasions over several hours, according to Hennepin County Attorney Mike Freeman. She also was charged with one count of drug possession.

DeSpiegeleare's husband, Hennepin County Deputy Steve DeSpiegeleare, a courthouse and jail guard, is well regarded by his colleagues and was recently assigned to work on logistics for the Republican National Convention.

The Republican National Convention? Maybe this is related to the Baroness of Budweiser after all.

(Cross-posted at Yazoo Street Scandal.)

Almost As Good As The Cameron Banana

Plato had his cave. Leibniz had his monads. Anselm had his ontological argument. In that spirit, I present you Grandpa John and the Electric Pickle.





You will want these four minutes back.

Another Johnson heard from

Hi, I'm Anthony Cartouche of the obscure blog Yazoo Street Scandal. Last year Roger was kind enough to allow me to serve as one of his fill-ins while he was on vacation. Apparently Roger learned nothing from that experience, because he's letting me do it again this year.

Besides guesting at Roger's place, my fifteen minutes of bloggy fame came last fall, when both Atrios and the HuffPo linked to my post noting that Earl Sinclair Hickey of the NBC sitcom My Name Is Earl had been assigned the same prisoner number that Scooter Libby was supposed to get before he got pardoned his sentence was commuted by the Asshole-in-Chief. That catch on my part increased my readership from an average of three to an astronomical eight or ten. Sadly, despite my best efforts, this did not translate to a lucrative book contract for me, nor was I invited to join the stable of writers at The Atlantic. Judith Regan never even returned my calls. But hey, life goes on.

Thanks, Roger, for letting me crash on your couch again.

I look forward to joining Ron and Kikuchiyo Jones as we try to fill Roger's sensible but stylish shoes. I hope we can entertain and amuse you, gentle blog reader, while Roger is gone. If not, fret not—he will be back soon.

Corrections: As commenter ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© notes, Libby was not pardoned; rather, his sentence was commuted. Further, commenter Stitch notes that on the show, Earl's name is Hickey, not Sinclair, thinking perhaps I was making some joke that he didn't get. No, just good old human error on my part, Stitch. I attribute it to a flashback to the times I spent watching this show with my children.

Two stupid mistakes in my first post. Boy, I bet Roger will be proud.

Suddenly...The Decider Is Listening To The Generals

Suddenly...The Decider Is Listening To The Generals

Well, not in the way we hoped:


President Bush and Iraq’s prime minister have agreed to set a “general time horizon” for bringing more U.S. troops home from the war, a dramatic shift from the administration’s once-ironclad unwillingness to talk about any kind of deadline or timetable.

I'm telling you, either Bush is sober or on the sauce again...many of his recent moves defy the Bush reality. Naturally, we're going to see a series of reversals aimed at making the new GOP nominee more "at home" with the voters. Fortunately, for us leftist scuzz, it's all aimed at the mushy center, and let's face it, we could use the shift.

Cheesy

Cheesy

I am also not Larry, Scott, or Charles, or RonB for that matter and I have also been given the keys to RogerAiles LLC while Roger undergoes that painfully embarrassing operation visits relatives.

I promise to keep it short and pithy just like mom used to make.

In the meantime, and for the record, although I am disappointed to see that Matt Yglesias is leaving The Atlantic, I think that we can all rest assured that the Voices department at The Atlantic Online will continue to be devoted to the important issues of the day.

Introductions Are In Order

I'm not, Larry, Scott, or Charles, but I have been invited to blog.

Ron. Pleased to meet the Ailes gang.

I'm still an active duty soldier in the Army, so if you want to know what Iraq was like, feel free to ask.

The Shi'a are gracious and nice people. I did not meet any Sunnis. Based on what I know about Islam, I imagine they are no different. I find Islam to be the second most kind religion on the globe. I've read the Koran. Allah is kind of a dick, but he obviously has done some good in teaching Arabs modesty and humility...hospitality and mercy. If only the Christians actually listened to their Christ.

Hm. I don't want to come across too seriously. I have a decent wit, just not today. I promise I will provide some marginally spotty snark as befits this blog. I'm a Blog-City blogger, so I am doomed to obscurity-that's why I'm glad Roger let me post. I have posted previously on Grouchy's Liberaltopia, and that's the extent of my resume. Well, there was one time when skippy the bush kangaroo was very helpful with a few links, and I was a major antagonist in the KT Cat flareup. In case you are unfamiliar with this dustup, KT said that statistically speaking, blacks have destroyed society at the molecular level. Alicublog pounced, and the rest is insignifcant blog history.

Thanks for letting me in the door, Roger, and I hope that everyone has a little fun while Roger is away. I promise, lighthearted snark is on the menu. I may not have Roger's depth of sarcasm and reference, but I'll do the best I can. Let the colosseum bay and clamor as they may!

I'm off to the soon-to-be ex-Red States. Your substitute hosts, Charles, Scott and Larry, will be posting or not as they see fit.

Please give them a warm welcome.

What's more worthless than MoDo and a priest on marriage? Kathryn Jean Lopez and the Pope on sex.

Cosmo [Mona Charen]

Funny you should mention that. I was in the supermarket yesterday with my 14-year-old son who asked "What's up with Cosmopolitan? What is that?" I replied, "It's a magazine for sluts."

I hate to break it you, Mona, but what the kid said was "What's up with Cosmolepolitan?" And quitely laughed his ass off.

Why Do People Hate Matt Pressman?

Because he tries to answer the question of why people on the left hate the New York Times by asking the Doughy Fucking Pantload.

Go back to fetching Graydon Carter's cigarettes, Matt.

Shorter MoDo

Screw the economy, Americans want a president I can laugh at.

MoDo pats herself on the back again, pretending she's the only one with the courage to make fun of the elitist Negro. Is it any surprise she much prefers the comedy stylings of John "the Diceman" McCain?

Yeah, Maureen, OldieMac is the kind of guy who just loves harmless teasing.

Grand Old Police Blotter: Weldon, Thou Bad and Faithless Public Servant Edition

It's a family affair. It's a family affair.

For the East Coast Duke Cunningham, that is:

A federal investigation into alleged corruption by former ex- [sic] Rep. Curt Weldon (R-Pa.) appears to be closing in on the former lawmaker, as a Pennsylvania lobbyist close to Weldon was charged Tuesday with destroying evidence.

Taking a page from the "How Not to Handle Evidence" handbook, lobbyist Cecilia Grimes allegedly threw documents in the trash after they were subpoenaed by a federal grand jury and also threw away her Blackberry at a fast-food restaurant, on the theory that such a stealthy move would prevent the feds from reading her email.

Weldon earned the dreaded appellation "Representative A" in papers filed by the Justice Department in federal court, and his former chief of staff has already pleaded guilty to federal charges and is cooperating with the investigation. The ex-lawmaker, an expert on Russia, has been accused of steering federal money to Grimes' clients and of helping his daughter, Karen Weldon, win lobbying contracts with Russian companies and a controversial Serbian businessman.

Karen Weldon's home and that of another supporter of her father were raided by the FBI just weeks before the 2006 election. Weldon lost his reelection race that November to current Rep. Joe Sestak (D).

Weldon closed his campaign committee in May, after transferring nearly $80,000 to a legal expense trust.

Some of you might remember Crazy Curt from The Hunt For WMD. Maybe Karen's Russian clients were the ones who smuggled the WMD out of Iraq.

A Coup

Roger Ailes, the blog, has scored a coup: Three remarkably gifted and well-respected bloggers will be providing content in the editor's absence. I don't want to give away too much, so I'll just refer to them as Mr. Johnson, Mr. Johnson and Mr. Johnson.

Department of Clarification

Gang members involved in knife crime should be seen as 'moronic' rather than as glamorous figures like Shakespeare's Mercutio, Boris Johnson said today.

Now there's a mistake I won't make again. Thanks, Boris.

News You Can't Use

MoDo and a priest give marriage advice.

Whose is more worthless?

Iraq War Survivor Passes Away At 53

More here.

The Heart of Redness

As part of Roger Ailes' commitment to provide its readers with the finest campaign coverage on the internet, your humble correspondent will take a trip at the end of the month to one of the reddest states in America. There, I will take the pulse of Bush/McCain dead-enders who hope to retain the Chateau Blanc. I will be reporting from the safety of a Blue Zone, and will employ a cadre of armed guards and press sycophants, Saint John-style, should I venture out to any shopping malls or flea markets for phoney photo-ops with carefully-vetted natives. If and when I return safely, I will post exciting dispatches about my exploits.

Due to recent layoffs, however, this blog will have to go dark while my investigation is underway. Fortunately, readers will not be able to differentiate this trip from all the other times when I just couldn't be bothered to post for a week. Nevertheless, if anyone cares to blog-sit in my absence, drop me a line at the rogerailes@gmail.com address and I'll be happy to hand you the keys.

Adams Looking 4 His Eve

Some at the festival were on a more personal mission.

Timothy Adams, a 54-year-old on disability who drove from Daytona, Florida, with his motorbike on a trailer behind his camper van, had placed a placard on the windscreen of his vehicle reading: "Wanted: Stalwart Christian woman 4 wife."

He said he hadn't heard back from any women.

"There's a lot of guys who are looking for wives," Adams said, wearing a T-shirt that said "Satan Sucks," partly obscured by his long beard. "It's hard to find a Christian woman, there's so few of them around."

They must've been at the Aspen Ideas Festival, dude.

Dead On The Fourth of July

Unlike the p.r. flacks manipulating the corpse of Jesse Helms, the proprietors of the Liberty Film Festival couldn't bother maintain the fiction that the festival survived to see the Fourth:

July 3rd, 2008

Dear Liberty Film Festival friends and supporters,

The Liberty Film Festival is currently on hiatus. We want to thank all the filmmakers who have submitted their projects to us. Films submitted to us through July 3rd, 2008 will still be considered for screening events, but we are no longer accepting submissions at this time.

Please return to this website for further announcements regarding the Liberty Film Festival.


Thank you, and best wishes,

Jason Apuzzo & Govindini Murty

LFF Co-Founders & Co-Artistic Directors

This is puzzling indeed. Why, it seems like just seven days ago that LFF was crowing about its amazing growth and success:

The first festival featured 20 films and 3,000 people turned up, with "people saying, 'This is our Woodstock,'" said Murty. "Each year, we saw our submissions doubling." This year, Liberty's Internet presence is increasing, with trailers, shorts, features, streamlining, DVD sales and film reviews from conservative critics.

And nothing increases one's internet presence like going on hiatus and refusing submissions. Or failing to post any content to your site the six months before that.

The proprietors don't explain the reasons for the "hiatus," but it would irresponsible not to speculate.

Did "Dirty Harry" take the Betamax equipment with him?

Did Govindini pull the plug on Apuzzo's vacuum cleaner fetish?

Did the rising price of gasoline result in layoffs at the car wash where Apuzzo was employed?

Fortunately, film fans can still enjoy the Libertas blog, where Apuzzo provides the invaluable service of posting the Turner Classic Movies schedule verbatim. Never has the new media shone brighter!

(Via Scott M. in alicublog comments.)

Andrew McCarthy was a former AUSA, but he's still a dumbfuck. Here he demonstrates the special skills that qualifies him for membership in The Corner:

Relevant to the issue we've talked about here and on Bench Memos, the Post says it takes the vote of five justices to rehear a case — although the editors do not say how they know that.

Yeah. It's a big fucking secret. The Post must have a mole deep inside the Supreme Court who gives them all the unwritten, super-confidential insider secrets.

K.I.B.

Another East Coast/West Coast feud is brewing:

As thousands of singers converge on Nashville for an international convention of barbershop harmony music, the old-fashioned music style is facing discord among its fans.

The 70-year-old Barbershop Harmony Society moved to Tennessee last year from Kenosha, Wis., as a part of a move by leadership to recruit more youth and modernize the organization.

...

But traditionalists of the a capella chorus music that dates back to 1900 have accused leaders of forgetting the past. Some members have started the Barbershop Quartet Preservation Association, a parallel organization with its own convention and meetings.

"What others want to do, we take no exception," said Jack Martin, the newer group's chairman. "We just want to do our thing."

The signature sound of four unaccompanied male voices singing in harmony has been the roots of the style, but modernizers want new blood and fresh ideas. Supporters of the traditional style are also known as "kibbers," for the slogan "Keep It Barbershop."

Martin's quartet will premiere its newest single, "Fuck Kenosha," at the convention. And the Dad's Root Beer will flow like Cristal.

The article also mentions that the average barbershop singer is only slightly younger than John McCain.

Patriotism At Its Finest

Jesse Taylor shows an elderly blogger how to write, reason and amuse:

76,000 people "blindly" screaming "Defense" a week and a half later, though, is as American as apple pie in a motherfucking Camaro parked on Mahmoud Achmedinejad's balls.

If the senile old gent could write like that, he'd still have a book contract rather than a wingnut welfare grant.

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY

What do you say when a vile racist and homophobic bigot dies, a man who opposed integration, civil rights and research into a cure for AIDS?

Update: At The Corner, John J. Miller soils his sheets while reading the Times obit of Senator No More. Says Miller: "'opposed civil rights'? Uh, no. He opposed a particular vision of them."

Uh, yes, he did:

"To rob the Negro of his reputation of thinking through a problem in his own fashion is about the same as trying to pretend that he doesn't have a natural instinct for rhythm and for singing and dancing," he wrote in 1956, according to the AP."

It's a shame Helms didn't live to see the election of President Obama.

To Confirm A Thief

Wingnut legal scholarship in a nutshell: Steal someone else's intellectual property, collect power and prestigious friends among the rabid right, and lie like hell when caught. (Also known as Goegleining.) The punishment for the crime? Lifetime tenure on the federal bench.

The shoe is now on the other foot. President Bush nominated Mr. [Michael] O'Neill to be a judge on the Federal District Court here last month, and there are signs that his nomination might be a difficult one as well.

Last year, a peer-reviewed legal journal, the Supreme Court Economic Review, issued a retraction of an article by Mr. O'Neill in 2004. "Substantial portions" of the article, the editors wrote, were "appropriated without attribution" from a book review by another law professor. In addition, at least four articles by Mr. O'Neill in other publications contain passages that appear to have been lifted from other scholars’ works without quotation marks or attribution.

Long passages in the 2004 article are virtually identical to the book review, which was published in 2000 in the Virginia Law Review and was written by Anne C. Dailey, a law professor at the University of Connecticut.

...

Emily A. Lawrimore, a White House spokeswoman, said Mr. O'Neill had been "completely forthcoming from the start of the vetting process and had “expressed remorse for his actions."

"He was highly recommended to President Bush," Ms. Lawrimore said of Mr. O’Neill, "and the president is confident he will make an excellent judge."

Of course he is.

This explains quite a bit.

Friends and colleagues describe Mr. O'Neill as a creative, fair and exceptionally able lawyer. He is a graduate of Brigham Young University and Yale Law School, and he served as a law clerk to Justice Clarence Thomas on the Supreme Court and Judge David B. Sentelle of the United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit. He is working on a master's degree in writing fiction.

Clarence should be able to give O'Neill tips on giving perjured testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee. Or maybe O'Neill can just call the proceedings a high-tech lynching. Without attribution.

Rip O'Neill give a partial Shalit defense:

Mr. O'Neill was contrite about the duplications, blaming "a poor work method." He said he often mingled research materials and his own work in a single computer file. "I didn't keep appropriate track of things," he said. "I frankly did a poor and negligent job."

LEXIS makes thievery so easy.

I await with anticipation the chorus of outrage from conservative legal bloggers such as Instacracker, Althouse and Assrocket. I'll just sit back and enjoy this beautiful CD of cricket sounds while they compose their posts.

A common sight for those who frequent the less reputable watering holes and more reputable dinner parties in Our Nation's Capital.

Message: McCain Is Not Old

Even McCain contest winners are on message discipline. From a McCain campaign e-mail:

Dear Rick [Davis, McCain Campaign Manager],

Thank you and everyone involved for both putting together the contest and for the wonderful time that Elliot and I had on the bus! We are still very inspired and overwhelmed by the time we spent with Senator McCain, his family and staff. They were all very gracious and made us feel like we had known them for years. We have a new understanding and an increased appreciation for what political candidates go through on a day to day basis. The schedule is grueling. Senator and Mrs. McCain do it with grace and make it look easy . . . but it is not.

When we finished at the luncheon, we went back to our hotel and took a nap. I am a seasoned nurse and thought I had a lot of stamina, but I was drained. We have both told many people about our experience and what a personable, hard-working, and good-humored person Senator McCain is. We have been John McCain supporters for many years and will be doing our best to work at the grassroots level on his behalf until he is elected as our next president in November.

Again, thanks and best wishes to all for the awesome time.

Sincerely,
Vivian and Elliot

If too many of her patients start dying after lunch, Viv can always get a job in p.r.