Sunday, March 30, 2008

By Christmas, It Will Have Outsold Liberal Fascism
The site I Can Has Cheezburger (, which features lolcats, photos of animals with humorous, ungrammatical captions, debuted in January 2007. Three months later, Ms. McKean contacted the founders; by last August, they had chosen her over other agents, she said. The site has 1.6 million page views a day, she said, a fact noted in the book proposal she helped prepare.

After a bidding war among several publishers, Gotham Books signed her clients. Come this November, expect the I Can Has Cheezburger book on shelves. "It's going to be predominantly photos but also will enlighten readers on the key memes of lolcats," Ms. McKean said, referring to strange rules of grammar unique to the form.

By the end of this week, it will have outsold An Army of Davids and anything by Hugh Hewitt.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

A Inconvenient Newt

Various right-wing bedwetters are dampening themselves over this promo for Vice President Gore's appearance on 60 Minutes. Somehow, though, they failed to mention this tidbit:

[Vice President Gore] donated the $750,000 [Nobel Peace Prize] prize money to The Alliance for Climate Protection, the non-profit he started to help him on his quest. He and his wife, Tipper, tell Stahl they not only matched the Nobel money with their own, but they are also donating to the organization the significant profits from his book and Oscar-winning documentary film about global warming, "An Inconvenient Truth." The funds will help The Alliance for Climate Protection execute a new $300 million ad campaign on global warming set to start next week.

Some of the ads will feature unlikely alliances to drive home the message that people of all stripes are concerned about global warming. These include the Rev. Al Sharpton and the Rev. Pat Robertson, Toby Keith and the Dixie Chicks, and Nancy Pelosi and Newt Gingrich.

I'm not sure Pat Robertson was a smart choice for this campaign, given his belief that the climate is ultimately controlled by a homo-hating Almighty. (And because he's one of the anti-Semitic preachers the right has no problem with.) But I imagine if this report is even remotely accurate, Newt's standing as the intellectual leader of the Republican Party is about to take a beating.

(No links to the incontinent.)

P.S. -- Vice President Gore's statements will also feature in a post about the Doughy Pantload coming to this site in the near future.

Frog March Madness

The chickens are coming home to roost for FOX News Analyst Karl Rove:

MONTGOMERY, Ala. -- Donald Siegelman, former governor of Alabama, was ordered released from prison on Thursday by a federal appeals court, pending his appeal of a bribery conviction that Democrats say resulted from a politically driven prosecution.

In its order, the United States Court of Appeals for the 11th Circuit, in Atlanta, said Mr. Siegelman had raised "substantial questions" in his appeal of the case and could be released on bond from the federal prison in Oakdale, La., where he has served nine months of a seven-year sentence. The order did not say what those questions were, but his lawyers have argued for months that the bribery charge on which he was mainly convicted revolved around a transaction that differed little, if at all, from a standard political contribution.

In case anyone has forgotten Rove's involvement in this case:

A week ago, CBS' "60 Minutes" aired a segment in which a Republican political activist, Alabama attorney Jill Simpson, charged that Karl Rove was deeply involved in the effort to bring down Siegelman -- repeating many of the allegations she'd made under oath to the House Judiciary Committee last September.

According to Simpson, Rove relied on friends he'd made when he worked as a political consultant in Alabama in the 1990s, including William Canary, whose wife, Leura, is U.S. attorney in Montgomery. Her office drove the Siegelman prosecution; she didn't personally recuse herself until the investigation was well under way. Her husband, for his part, has run political campaigns for Siegelman's chief rival, current GOP Gov. Bob Riley. (Rove, of course, has denied the charges of interference, but he refused to testify before Congress under oath.)

If anyone needs another reminder of why the identity of the next Democratic President matters very little, this story should serve.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

"Turn Back The Clocks Of Time"

I look forward to Chuck Norris' keynote speech to the Republican National Convention this summer.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Pumpkinhead Remembers It All For You

Tim Russert's memory hasn't been this, uh, selective, since he was forgetting Scooter Libby's phone calls to help out Dick Cheney and Karl Rove.

MR. RUSSERT: The psychology, so important. I remember in 1992, the economy grew in the fourth quarter some 4.7 percent, but the perception on Election Day was, "We're in bad economic times."

MS. BURNETT: Yeah, mm-hmm.

Perhaps Tim was confusing "the economy" with "the value of my real estate holdings on Martha's Vineyard." Because:

The economy grew at a faster-than-expected annual rate of 3.8 percent in the final quarter of 1992, the strongest performance in four years, the Commerce Department reported today.


But Mr. Moeller and other analysts point to lagging growth in jobs and incomes, as well as to related depressants -- a shrinking military establishment, poor conditions in commercial real estate and floundering economies abroad.

Indeed, the Labor Department today reported a third straight weekly increase in first-time claims for unemployment benefits, to the highest level since mid-November. Although the rise was only 2,000, analysts had been expecting a modest decline.

One of the many problems with Tim's memory is that his reporting on the economy is no different than his reporting on the White House. Pumpkinhead sits in his office and receives calls from the White House and its flacks and then dutifully spews out the fiction as remembered fact. Working people without multi-million dollar book contracts -- or even jobs -- perceived the economy as bad because it was bad for them and it had been bad for them for four years. (Perhaps the electorate would have been more optimistic if they'd been given more free rides on corporate jets.) But Russert's job is to put McCain in the White House, so he's gone to therapy and recovered some memories of the Bush economic miracle.

One more breakthrough and Tim will recall that he, personally, was on the receving end of Bill Clinton's cigar.

(Not to mention the fact that more than 60 percent of the fourth quarter in '92 occurred after everyone knew the long voodoo nightmare was over.)

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Happy Easter

Or, as John McCain calls it, the Jewish Custer's Last Stand.

The Senator has no campaign events scheduled for today, as he will spend the entire holiday hunting, unsuccessfully, for the Easter eggs he hid last night.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Roger's Booknotes

I'll probably be back to wasting too much time in front of the telly by next Monday, as I just came to the realization that I'm paying for cable service I haven't been using for the past few weeks.

Most of the extra time I filled with reading, primarily of recent books I wouldn't touch but for the fact they're available for free at the library -- and not exactly leaping off the shelves at that price.

I'm slogging through The Bush Tragedy by Jacob Weisberg of Slate infamy. It's well-written, if nothing else. So far it seems Weisberg thinks Bush is the tragic figure, as if the smirking Chief Executive was a dynastic heir who had responsibility thrust upon him before he reached maturity rather than an incompetent egomanic who created tragedy for millions and doesn't give a fuck. Weisberg seems to be siding with stupid in the stupid v. evil debate, when the obvious answer is both.

One tome I couldn't make it through was The Book Unreadable The Party Faithful by unrelenting God-botherer Amy Sullivan. (Yes, I saw the praise by Jon Meacham on the cover, but I refused to heed the warning.) I made it to the bit where Jimmy Carter wasn't religious enough and only won the White House because Ford pissed off the Catholics with his remarks about Poland in the presidential debate. If you need further encouragement not to read Sullivan, check out this link.

With books like these, television is looking better all the time.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

The Black Souls of White Folk

Roy Edroso has the recap on wingnut reaction to Senator Obama's speech. (Bonus material here.)

And if that isn't fucked up enough for you, check out the Man from Depends. And contrast.

More here. And here.

Update: I don't wish to suggest that Simon's invocation of his childhood's friend's murder was made in anything less than good faith, despite the fact that crime has nothing to do with Senator Obama or the Reverend Wright. Still, I can't help but compare Rog's reaction to Obama's speech re: Wright to a post composed by Rog the same month as one of Goodman's killers, a Klansman, received a small measure of justice. Back in June 2005, three days before Edgar Ray Killen was convicted of manslaughter (and not of murder), Rog wrote the following:

Andy Goodman was my best friend in kindergarten and first grade at the Walden School in New York. In the second grade, my family moved across town and I went to another school, but we remained close friends for several years before losing touch when my family moved once again, this time to the suburbs, when I went to high school. Of course, I knew what happened to Andy in June of 1964 and it was in my head almost every day when I went south two summers later to participate in the civil rights movement. But it has been many years and when I saw his young face on the front page of CNN tonight, I gasped.

Not a word about the man then accused, and later convicted, of killing Mr. Goodman, Michael Schwerner and James Cheney. His only reaction on was about his reaction to seeing Goodman's face on the CNN website.

We all have our own priorities.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008


I've only read and heard part of Senator Obama's speech in Philadelphia, but the parts I heard rang true. Particularly the part about "the reality in which Reverend Wright and other African-Americans of his generation grew up."

Frankly, it is also the generation in which Senator Obama and his generation grew up. Say, hypothetically, that you are younger than the Senator and the date of your birth coincided with this infamous speech, made not so long ago:

Today I have stood, where once Jefferson Davis stood, and took an oath to my people. It is very appropriate then that from this Cradle of the Confederacy, this very Heart of the Great Anglo-Saxon Southland, that today we sound the drum for freedom as have our generations of forebears before us done, time and time again through history. Let us rise to the call of freedom-loving blood that is in us and send our answer to the tyranny that clanks its chains upon the South. In the name of the greatest people that have ever trod this earth, I draw the line in the dust and toss the gauntlet before the feet of tyranny . . . and I say . . . segregation today . . . segregation tomorrow . . . segregation forever.

And let's not forget how that speech ended:

And my prayer is that the Father who reigns above us will bless all the people of this great sovereign State and nation, both white and black.

If you were born on that day, you're still relatively young.

The men and women of Reverend Wright's generation need to explain what they were doing (or weren't doing) when that was going on. But I'm certain the feeble-minded bigots of this generation who are sneering about the Senator's speech (no links to the bigots; you know where to find them) would fall all over themselves praising Governor Wallace as a man of faith.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Does Jim Cramer Shit In The Woods?

Via uggabugga, Jim Cramer on Bear Stearns last Tuesday, March 11, 2008:

READER MAIL: Should I be worried about Bear Stearns in terms of liquidity and get my money out of there?

CRAMER: No! No! No! Bear Stearns is fine. Do not take your money out. If there's one take away (other than this up 400 [day]) ... Bear Stearns is not in trouble. If anything they're more likely to be taken over. Don't move your money from Bear. That's just being silly! Don't be silly!

Said the Carrot Top of investotainment.

Update (3/18): I'm striking the last paragraph in light of some of the comments. Kudlow's the confirmed cokehead -- and he was chief economist for Bear Stearns back in the day. Is there a long white trail between Kudblow's drug abuse and the fall of Stearns? I doubt it.

The Everending Story

Good news from the front, fellow Warriors on Christmas. John Gibson, Christian soldier, has fallen in battle. And not from enemy fire -- he collapsed under the weight of his lumpy albino head, which was carrying too many rocks for his emaciated frame.

Fox News Channel, tinkering for the first time in eight years with its popular early evening lineup, is replacing its 5 p.m. news broadcast, "The Big Story," with an election-theme program for the foreseeable future. The network confirmed this week that "America's Election HQ," a program that displaced "The Big Story" temporarily last month, would continue indefinitely. The program’s hosts, Bill Hemmer and Megyn Kelly, also anchor the network’s mid-morning newscast and are seen as rising stars on the channel. The change was first reported by the blog John Gibson, the longtime host of "The Big Story," will continue to have a role on television, the network said, although it appears that his future for now lies mostly on radio.

Victory is in sight. Christmas will not live to see another secular Winter Festival, mark my words.

It's too early to call it a trend, but with the cancellation of Tucker!, it can't be too early to send Glen Beck a gallon of Ancient Age with which to drown his sorrows. Just in case.

Meanwhile, Howie Kurtz thinks he's the perfect host to fill John Gibson's shoes, and submits this fluffgasmic audition tape to the powers at Fox News. Eliot Spitzer wishes he'd gotten that kind of full service.

That Takes Some Balls

We must hold Congressional hearings before this spreads to darts, Pop-A-Shot and liar's poker.

DUESSELDORF, Germany -- Germany's first case of doping in billiards was announced Monday after national champion Axel Buescher tested positive for an EPO masking agent.

Buescher's positive test came at November's German championships, where he captured the carom billiards title, the German Billiard Union said.

Buescher said the masking agent was in prescription medicine he failed to have approved.

The Union suspended Buescher for one year and stripped him of his title after he passed on his right to have the "B" sample tested.

EPO is a blood booster most closely associated with endurance sports, such as cycling, where it has played a central role in several Tour de France scandals.*

How can there be doping in a sport meant to be played while drunk?

* EPO link added.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Glengarry Glen Beck

David Mamet goes all John Dos Passos on us and announces that Thomas "Kidney on Ice" Sowell is "our greatest contemporary philosopher."

Could it be true? Witness:

When I bought one of these small, cheap, old-fashioned cathode-ray TV sets on sale to watch while on my exercise machine, I had no idea how high-tech and computerized even these obsolete sets had become.

Nor was this a blessing. I could not even turn the set on and get a channel without reading a 60-page instruction book. If the truth be known, I could not do it even after trying to make some sense out of the instructions.

The next time my computer guru came over to help me with my computer problems, I asked him to set up the TV set so that I could turn it on.

After he went through the instruction book and waded through all the high-tech options — none of which interested me in the slightest — he set up the TV so that I could do something as elementary as turn on the set and choose a channel to watch.

Contemporary might be, uh, too strong a word.

When I had to have a new radio put into my old car, I told the man who installed it, "I didn't go to M.I.T" and wanted the simplest radio to use that he had.

Yet even the simplest radio he had in stock came with over 100 pages of instructions — and nothing on the radio that said "on" or "off." In fact, none of the buttons on the front of the radio had anything to indicate what they were for.

The man who installed the radio turned it on for me. But this was an old car that I did not use very often, and I did not always want the radio on when I was driving.

Since he had not told me how to turn it off, I just turned the volume down as low as possible, rather than go into the 100 pages of instructions.

Organs are for closers!

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

A Good Life

The Democratic Party needs more of these:

WASHINGTON (AP) -- Former Sen. Howard Metzenbaum, an Ohio Democrat who was a feisty self-made millionaire before he began a long career fighting big business in the Senate, died Wednesday night. He was 90.


He was a cantankerous firebrand who didn't need a microphone to hold a full auditorium spellbound while dropping rhetorical bombs on big oil companies, the insurance industry, savings and loans, and the National Rifle Association, to name just a few favorite targets.

Unabashedly liberal, the former labor lawyer and union lobbyist considered himself a champion of workers and was a driving force behind the law requiring 60-day notice of plant closings.

Rest in peace, Senator.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

It's Official - You're An Old Fart

While it could be said that blogs are just a younger person's folly, in our study this is not the case. Just one in ten (19%) Echo Boomers (those aged 18-31) regularly read a political blog and only 17 percent of Gen Xers (those aged 32-43) say the same. Matures (those aged 63 and older) are actually the generation most likely to be political blog readers as just over one-quarter (26%) say they regularly do so followed by 23 percent of Baby Boomers (those aged 44-62). Also, one hears of the rabid blogs on both sides of the political aisle, but just 22 percent of Republicans and 20 percent of Democrats regularly read blogs. Independents are the ones slightly more likely to read these, as just over one-quarter (26%) say they regularly read political blogs.

Over 99.99999999999% percent of people surveyed said they never read this blog. The same percentage said that the person who coined the term "Echo Boomers" should be pistol-whipped.

Mo' Irony

Michael Scherer tries to unseat Joek Lein as Chief Chucklehaid at Time:

My question is this: Just eight years after George W. Bush gained the White House by losing the popular vote and winning the Electoral College [sic], isn't it a bit ironic that Hillary Clinton is arguing for Democrats to focus not on the popular vote but on the Electoral College?

Google has the answer. If you search for "hillary clinton electoral college," the first result is an article from November 10, 2000, "Hillary Clinton Calls For End to the Electoral College." As Clinton said at the time, "I believe strongly that in a democracy, we should respect the will of the people and to me, that means it's time to do away with the Electoral College and move to the popular election of our president."

Senator Clinton urges Democrats to follow a strategy which would allow them to win the White House, as opposed to one that would result in a Republican presidency. At the same time, she urges Democrats to compete based on the electoral system which actually exists, as opposed to the one she prefers, but which doesn't exist. That is some delicious irony. I'm actually shivering!

The Logical Consequence of Megan McArdle and Andrew Sullivan

"The upcoming Britney Spears cover story easily meets the magazine's editorial standards, insists Atlantic president Justin Smith, formerly of The Week."

Yes. Yes it does.

Perhaps the cover will feature Matt Yglesias as Michael Musto as Britney Spears.

Monday, March 10, 2008

2008 Bad Sex Award

It's early days, but I think we have the winner:

"I hadn't yet come to grips with the notion of giving up Popeyes when Obama -- slender, chewing Nicorette and perfectly groomed in his crisp white shirt -- came upon me. I was splattered with so much red sauce it could have been a scene from 'Saw IV.'"

More like Carrie, I'd suspect. Or Bride of Chucky.

My Advice

MSNBC should make Tucker Carlson the new star of Lockup: Holman Extended Stay. Tucker would totally rock the Doc Block, bartering smokes with his fellow inmates in AdSeg and facing an unsympathetic parole board. I'd replace the old teevee in a heartbeat to see that.

Holy Crap

Eliot Spitzer goes all Dick Morris/David Vitter:

ALBANY - Gov. Eliot Spitzer has informed his most senior administration officials that he had been involved in a prostitution ring, an administration official said this morning.

Mr. Spitzer, who was huddled with his top aides early this afternoon, had hours earlier abruptly canceled his scheduled public events for the day. He is set to make an announcement about 2:15 this afternoon at his Manhattan office.

Mr. Spitzer, a first-term Democrat who pledged to bring ethics reform and end the often seamy ways of Albany, is married with three children.

Just last week, federal prosecutors arrested four people in connection with an expensive prostitution operation. Administration officials would not say that this was the ring with which the governor had become involved.

At least Rudy Giuliani never paid for it. (Though the taxpayers did.)

Friday, March 07, 2008


Brett Favre showed he does not have what it takes to be President.


The backlash against anti-Favre sentiments will result in stunning comeback victories in Wyoming and Mississippi.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Door. Ass. Way Out.


Glenn and Kathleen, a Sacramento-area couple who requested that their last name not be used for fear of prosecution, home school their 9-year-old son Hunter because their Christian beliefs would be contradicted in a public school setting, Glenn said. He is troubled by the idea that his son would be exposed to teachings about evolution, homosexuality, same-sex marriage and sex education.

"I want to have control over what goes in my son's head, not what's put in there by people who might be on the far left who have their own ideas about indoctrinating kids," he said.

If the ruling takes effect, Glenn vowed to move his family out of state. "If I can't home school my son in California, we're going to have to end up leaving California. That's how important it is to me."

Glenn's talking about a February 28 ruling from a California appellate court which correctly interpreted California's statutes and held that not just any moron can homeschool his or her kid. I don't care what tripe Glenn and Kathleen want to fill Hunter's brain with. But as long as they're going to do it, Kentucky seems like a good place for them to do it in.

Have a safe trip!

And that goes double for whiners like Phillip Long, who "said he believes the ruling stems from hostility against Christians and vowed to appeal to the state Supreme Court. 'I have sincerely held religious beliefs,' .... 'Public schools conflict with that.'" Of course, the ruling has nothing to do with religious beliefs. Phil can send his kids to a religious school which teaches whatever crap he sincerely believes (and there are many hundreds of them in the Golden State), or he can get the required credential himself. The law applies equally to people of all faiths and people of no faith. But Phil's too stupid to understand that.

The article strongly suggests that the credentialing law isn't enforced that strenuously, and that the county may have other issues concerning the Longs' fitness as parents. Fundies would be well advised to investigate those matters a bit more before crucifying themselves on this particular Golgotha.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Deadblogging The Race

Well, I was all set to liveblog to RI/OH/TX/VT results and it turns out my television still doesn't work. I suppose I could listen on the radio, but that medium is deader than Rush Limbaugh's dick. So I'll try to cover the results from the print web alone.

8:02 p.m. Scanning the news, I see that Sid Vicious has captured the G.O.P. nomination, riding the wave of anti-Catholic bigotry that the media is determined not to cover.

8:03 p.m. I wonder if anyone would pay me to write a fake memoir. People in the publishing industry seem pretty friggin' stupid.

8:10 p.m.The NYT has called Rhode Island for Clinton, by 18 percent. I better pace myself.

8:14 p.m. Blogger Sucks! When I posted my 8:10, it deleted my 8:03. Blow me, Google!

8:17 p.m. I've recreated -- and improved (!) -- my 8:03 post.

8:18 p.m. Kitty Seeyle keeps referring to Senators Clinton and Obama as Mrs. and Mr.

8:28 p.m. The target of Ann Althouse and Andy Sully's psychopathic loathing has won in Ohio.

8:35 p.m. The California Supreme Court heard oral arguments today on the constitutionality of the state's ban on same-sex marriage. The court will decide within 90 days, leaving plenty of time for Sid Vicious to demagogue the issue in the general election. Unfortunately for McCain -- and California -- the court is packed with Republicans.

8:45 p.m. In other election news, voters in Brattleboro, VT voted to indict Bush and Cheney and directed the police to arrest and detain George and Dick for purposes of extradition. Now that's democracy in action!

8:52 p.m. Is this thing on?

8:56 p.m. The undiscovered insult. Now that it's too late, I've come up with the perfect name for supporters of that libertarian loon: PaulOps.

9:07 p.m. Speaking of malignant growths, a large one has been removed from the airwaves in San Francisco. Of course, the human colostomy bag, Michael Weiner, is still polluting the area, but you have to start somehwhere. Maybe Mel can get a job in one of the Indian Casinos.

9:19 p.m. Senator Clinton won by a wide margin in the Texas counties of Deaf Smith, Tom Green and Glasscock. Senator Obama's only down by 2 percent in the county named after that Confederate cracker, Jefferson Davis.

9:27 p.m. If you think this is bad, you should read Mike Huckabee's concession speech. Huckleberry, Jnr. claims some woman sold her wedding ring on eBay to support his campaign. Huck should give her back her five bucks.

9:42 p.m. James Wolcott has a teevee, and he says: "Chris Matthews, sitting with his arms irritably crossed, and Keith Olbermann look like the gold and silver medal winners in a lemon-sucking contest...." I'm sorry I missed that.

9:44 p.m. Breaking News: "[I]t has come to light that for three years, 24-year-old [American Idol contestant] David Hernandez worked as a stripper at Dick's Cabaret in Glendale, Arizona, where he danced nude and gave lap dances to a mostly male clientele." Here's the address for Dick's if you're a mostly male strip club enthusiast.

9:57 p.m. AdNags says: "CNN, NBC News and Fox News, however, projected that Mrs. Clinton would win the Texas primary." I guess we'll have Mark Penn and Hillary's ad shop to kick around some more. But Obama's got 56 percent of the Texas caucus, with five percent reporting. (All that according to the NYT.)

10:00 p.m. Time for my injection. (Not this stuff, sadly.)

10:15 p.m. Off to read a book.

6:04 a.m., Wednesday Morning Senator Obama holds a 52/48 percent lead in the Texas caucuses. Senator Clinton's percentage in the Texas primary was only 51 percent, the same as Sid Vicious'. Sid only beat the "Foe," as the NYT calls him, in Texas by 13 percent. Crackpot racist newsletter writer Ron Paul also lives to suck off the public teat for another 2 years (unless some Dem knocks him off).

6:23 a.m. SidVicious visits the White House to receive the kiss of death. After dinner, they will retire to the War Room to waterboard Joe Lieberman. McCain should enjoy the surroundings while he can; come November, he'll never be invited back.

(Keep refreshing for ... ah, who am I kidding?)

Saturday, March 01, 2008

More Pretzel Logic from Straight Talk

"However, in no way did I intend for his endorsement to suggest that I in turn agree with all of Pastor Hagee's views, which I obviously do not," McCain said in the statement.


McCain was pressed on the issue in Round Rock, Texas. Hagee "supports what I stand for and believe in," McCain said.

"When he endorses me, that does not mean that I endorse everything that he stands for and believes in," McCain said. "I don't have to agree with everyone who endorses my campaign."

He added that he was "proud" of Hagee's spiritual leadership of his congregation at the 17,000-member Cornerstone Church.

So Straight Talk doesn't support all of Hagee's views, but Hagee supports what he supports. And Straight Talk doesn't endorse everything Hagee believes, but he's proud of Hagee's spiritual leadership, which is, of course, reflected in Hagee's expression of his spiritual beliefs.

Perhaps they disagree on Diamondbacks' pennant chances this year, or some such secluar matter.

And perhaps some diligent reporter can now board the Straight Talk Express and ask the man which of Hagee's views he obviously doesn't agree with -- and which one he does.