New Country for Old Men

Oly Olafson is too too old and fat to lead Civil War II: Confederate Oogaboogaloo, so others have taken his place:

Derrick Belcher, a 45 year-old topless carwash owner, is behind the Alabama petition, according to AL.com. He supported Ron Paul in 2012 and told the site he’s serious about creating a new union of states that did not vote for Obama’s reelection. Belcher said that a nation of red states could do away with entitlement programs — and the people who rely on them.

Well, not exactly.  Belcher's topless car wash-owning glory days have passed:

Belcher blamed the government for shutting down his former business. Belcher said his Euro Details car wash, which featured topless women, was successful for a decade on Halls Mill Road in Mobile. But he said he was arrested and charged with obscenity by city officials in 2001.

“The government ripped my business away, and now they’re choking America to death with rules and regulations,” he said.

With that boot stomping on his face forever, it unsurprisingly took Belcher eleven years to come up with his secession plan. And apparently no one suggested that he move to a more topless car wash-friendly jurisdiction during those long years.  Just imagine Belcher's surprise when the newly-independent Free State of Alabama still won't let him wash cars in the buff, even if he promises to pay his employees eight cents an hour to do so.