Roger, Oscar, Oscar, Roger

Because my television died and the Vanity Fair party invite got lost in the mail again, I'll have to go to a gay bar if I want to watch the Motion Picture Academy Clearinghouse Sweepstakes ceremony this year. And, since Roger el-Simon has a say in the outcome, who really gives a toss?

But that won't stop me from offering my choices from among the nominees.

Best Picture Show

There Will Be Blood was, without question, far and away the only movie I've seen at the bijou in the past year. So it gets the old bowling trophy.

Best Leading Thespian, Male

Daniel Day-Lewis, for the portrayal of an oilman -- and an American -- more convincing than Bush's.

Best Leading Thespian, Not Male

Julie Christie for her third nomination in a film I'd never heard of, Philistine that I am.

Best Bit Player, Male

Hal Holbrook, for his years of service impersonating Mark Twain, even though he's married to an annoying right-winger.

Best Bit Player, Not Male

Cate Blanchett, for her non-traditional casting, portraying a Jew.

Best Original Photoplay

Lars and the Real Girl, inspired by a true story involving Ace of Spades.

Best Unoriginal Photoplay

There Will Be Blood, but only if they give it to Sinclair Lewis.

Best Newsreel

No End In Sight: The John McCain Story.