She Pees Freely

Over at Big Depends, Dana "Golden Showers" Loush is dripping with excitement because a White House press release detailing Vice President Biden's itinerary misspelled Rhode Island. The pee-brained piss merchant has besodden herself with the idea that Dan Quayle has been vindicated at long last. (And Loush's mentally challenged fan boys are lapping up her latest urinary tract.) The idea that Joe Biden doesn't write White House press releases will occur to her, if at all, sometime during the second Obama Administration.

No link to the incontinent wingnut.

Pictionary McArdle, Girl Detective

Meeegan McArdle has pulled her magnifying glass and bubble pipe out of the toy chest, and is ready to assume the mantle of the World's Greatest Consulting Defective. As Sherlock Holmes didn't say, "Once you elminate the impossible, there is no explanation for Megan McArdle's continued employment."

McArdle has volunteered her services for the Case of the Astroturfer's Fake Astroturf. The details aren't important -- to anyone -- so let's cut to the drawing room, where McArdle has assembled the 20 million most likely suspects:

For me, this leaves the most fascinating question of all: who wrote it? We have a few clues:

(Don't flatter yourself.)

1) They are on the west coast

(Given the nonexistence of e-mail and other means to transmit documents electronically.)

2) They own or have access to an Epson scanner--though God knows, this could be at a Kinkos.

(And they time traveled from 2007, when last there was a Kinko's.)

3) They probably themselves have a somewhat run-on writing style

(....somewhat themselves.)

4) I'm guessing they use the word "high-profile" a fair amount.

(I also suspect they know that "high" and "profile" are two words.)

5) They are bizarrely obsessed with global warming coverage at Forbes, which suggests to me that there is a good chance that they write or comment on the website, or that they have tangled with writers at Forbes (probably Taylor) either in public or private.

(Or maybe "they" were bizarrely obsessed with Forbes' Egg magazine, and its measurement of the amount of piss on the floors of Manhattan nightclub restrooms.)

6) The last paragraph is the biggest departure from the source documents, and is therefore likely to be closest to the author's own style.

(While Meeegan's departure from the plural, "they," to refer to a singular "the author" is closest to her own illiterate style.)

7) I have a strong suspicion that they refrained from commenting on the document dump. That's what I'd do, anyway. A commenter or email correspondent who suddenly disappeared when they normally would have been reveling in this sort of story is a good candidate.

("Or I'd use reverse-reverse psychology, knowing that they would think that I'd think that they wouldn't comment on it....but that's what they'd want me to think, I think. Detecting is hard!)

8) They seem to have it in for Andy Revkin at the New York Times. There's nothing in the other documents to indicate that Heartland thinks Revkin is amenable to being . . . turned? I'm not sure what the right word is (as usual, but the implication in the strategy memo that Heartland believes it could somehow develop a relationship with Revkin seems aimed at discrediting Revkin's work.

(Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....)

Okay, Nancy Drew, thanks for playing Clue Jr.! I think I hear your mother calling.

The Triumph of Hope Over Experience

An intrepid peckerwood reports from CPAC, where the spotted youth have hope for change:

Being the good, intrepid blogger, I ran across the street to a CVS to buy a notepad

Interruption: Wouldn't a good, intrepid blogger have some sort of electronic device with which to record his precious thoughts?

having left mine in my office back in Macon, GA. There in line were a half dozen young men, each with CPAC credentials around their necks and each buying condoms.

(Pretending that this actually happened) And Oly isn't buying their excuse that they were going to waterbomb Occupy D.C.

That is part of life on the college circuit. Young men, regardless of political persuasion or ideology, are intent on having sex, being boys, getting drunk — doing what young men in college often do. All to [sic] often there are also a few young ladies willing to shame their parents if their parents only knew.

True, there is nothing more shameful than giving a handjob to a YAFer. But if they rinse their hands thoroughly, there's no reason the parents should know.

Here comes Swen's summation:

I am not even sure that there is a solution to the problem. But we should not think it is anything but a problem. It is not every young man, but there are many. They risk dragging the whole affair down to some bawdy, rowdy distraction. They risk embarrassing themselves and the conservative movement. They risk the perception premised on their own actions that conservative men of a certain age think that good manners and decorum around women of the same age is unneeded or unwanted.

This is not to say CPAC cannot and should not be fun. This is not to say that CPAC cannot and should not be a party. But it is to say that I hope the college groups bussing in students next year, the out of college set there to network, and CPAC itself encourage behavior we all too often don’t talk about anymore in our society — the behavior of gentlemen. Eat, drink, smoke, be merry, but be chivalrous too.

They're buying the condoms, Thor. How much more chivalry can you expect from these wingnut wankers?

There really is, regardless of your age, no need to play the cad at CPAC to score points with conservative ladies.

Points? You don't buy rubbers hoping to score points.

Conservatives should, first and foremost, want to conserve the basics and good behavior should remain a basic characteristic of the conservative movement. As conservatives, we believe in self-government. With that belief comes the duty of personal responsibility. We should accept that duty as the opportunity to do what is right, not as license to behave like fools.

So, even though Sven knows "young men, regardless of political persuasion or ideology, are intent on having sex," and everyone else, having at least 50 i.q. points on Sven, knows it too, these conservalads should just knock it off. Or, more specifically, rub it out, while watching porn on Rupert Murdoch's Spectravision in the semi-privacy of their shared hotel rooms.

In summary, join Erick Erickson's Junior Anti-Sex League today. If Erick's not getting any, neither are you.

Now that the New Jersey Legislature has authorized same-sex marriage, will Veto Portlyone do the wrong thing and reinstate hate?

Roger's Deep Thoughts

Why is Rick Santorum's biggest financial supporter an anthropomorphic ice cream cone with a giant soft serve head?

Update: Link fixed.

It's A Nice Day To Start Again

Please feel free to leave any proposals in comments.

Let's Get Ready to Pantload

Jonah Goldberg fantasizes about the combat he somehow managed to avoid during the last twenty years of his life:

This could get very ugly. There are a lot of guys at CPAC who daydream about the Occupy types picking a fight with them.

The 'Load is linking to a super-secret insider report from a Heritage Foundation mole at Occupy/New Black Panther Party Aitch Cue.

Why a lot of guys at CPAC share their self-defense fantasies with Goldberg is nobody's guess.

"Captain" Ed Morrisey: I Can't Be Bothered to Vote

The Patrick Henry of the Land of 10,000 Lakes has just begun to figh... oh, look, cocktail weenies:

As I wrote earlier, decision time has come to Minnesota, where I live. Unfortunately, I can’t officially participate in that choice, since we have a caucus system rather than a primary — and one cannot cast an absentee vote in a caucus system. I checked twice with my BPOU officials (a BPOU is a “basic political organization unit,” akin to a precinct) and there is no provision for proxy voting. I will be in Washington DC for CPAC and some company meetings when the caucuses take place on Tuesday evening.

....Last time I caucused for Romney; this time, if I had the opportunity, I would caucus for Rick Santorum.

Ed would vote if the Minnesota G.O.P. would just realize that he's the Sheldon Adelson of the Great White North just give him his own damn portable caucus. But the rest of you Republican peeons should vote for Rick Santorum, like Ed would if he's wasn't so fucking special.

Of course, CPAC doesn't kick off its schedule until Thursday, and Ed's such a tech wizard it's impossible to fathom why he can't conduct his business on the intertubes. Rick Santorum's granddad didn't allow his 27 hour workday down in the coal mines keep him from voting.

Just admit you can't be bothered to vote, Ed. No one will think any less of you.

Grand Old Police Blotter: The New White Panther Party Edition

Silent as the grave is the wingnut bed-wetting contingent upon hearing news that Indiana's Secretary of State, Charlie White, was convicted of voter fraud.

John Fund can't be bothered. Hans von Spankovsky isn't spanking his hans off. Big Chuzzlewit has no scoop. The silence of J. Christian Adams says, "If it's all White, it's all right."

Here's the news, for those who only cruise wingnut sites:

A jury in Hamilton County, just north of Indianapolis, deliberated for 13 hours before convicting Republican Secretary of State Charlie White on six felony charges. Among other things, White was accused of lying about his address on voter registration forms.

Indiana law does not allow felons to hold statewide office, and Daniels quickly appointed White's chief deputy, Jerry Bonnet, as interim secretary of state. But the governor said he was holding off on naming a permanent replacement because a judge could reduce the charge to a misdemeanor, allowing White to regain the office.

The only mention of White's crimes I can find using National Review Online's shitty search engine is the following quote in a link to a 2011 John J. Miller article (which doesn't appear in the linked article): "NOTHING HAS BEEN DONE TO REMEDY THE 2008 VOTER FRAUD. (Except arrest Charlie White for using his ex-wife's address.)"

Vote fraud -- the ultimate IOKIYAR.

Big Baby

The article "19 Americans in Egypt Face Trial in Inquiry Over Funding" from today's New York Times doesn't state that half of all Americans are anti-choice.

This Ross Douchehat column about contraception and abortion from just one week ago doesn't state that half of all Americans are anti-choice.

Pissing yourself over media bias -- it's just that easy.

Roger's Super Bowl Prediction

Patriots 21, Giants 17.

Komen Feel The Noize

Tbogg has the post-game low-down on the Brinker Bow-Down:

Which, some are pointing out, means that they didn’t exactly fold like a lawn chair under Chris Chistie, so much as they punted to buy themselves some time. But the fact remains that by making an unforced error in denying Planned Parenthood funding (in the grand scheme of things, a paltry $680,000) the Komen Foundation exposed themselves as a rats nest of wingnuts, irreparably damaged their brand, lost countless supporters (and therefore millions of dollars), and gave Planned Parenthood an enormous boost at a time when they really needed it. Corporations who have been pink-mailed by the Komen Foundation now have the ability to gracefully withdraw and focus their attentions elsewhere. Other corporations who have been threatened by the forced birthers to withdraw any funding of Planned Parenthood got a glimpse of the type of whirlwind they might reap for making such a move.

Brinker blinked.

I don't trust Komen any farther than I can throw Chris Christie, but it's clear Komen has been put on notice that its future dishonesty won't go unnoticed. Komen might be a good charity "if it had been somebody there to shoot [it] every minute of [its] life." On the other hand, life's too short. Shoot it and move on.

Update: Given the revelation that Komen hired the talking penis to do its dirty work, my advice has changed to shoot it, shoot it several more times and bury it at sea, next to bin Laden.

J-Rubb On Trump

Before Trump endorsed Mittens, of course:

It’s convenient to have a candidate like Gingrich who attracts the unserious, the unpresidential, the uninformed and the unpalatable all in one convenient locale.

And that locale is a Bush Administration reunion.

If you have to rely on your lawyer to say a kind word about you, you're probably not very well liked.

Trump Hump Bumps Chump

Drudgeico and others are breathlessly reporting that Donald Trump is endorsing Mitt Gingrich for President.

We reported, along with the New York Times and the Associated Press among others, last night that Donald Trump is expected to endorse Newt Gingrich, according to sources around his campaign. The Times went first with the news in terms of national outlets.

What a difference 12 hours makes - Trump's endorsement is not likely to go to Gingrich, others said, and may in fact go to Mitt Romney when he makes his announcement at 12:30 p.m.

Matt Drudge, who has a relationship with top Romney officials, this morning - linking to our Gingrich story - was among the first to indicate it would be Romney.

Romney sources told POLITICO late this morning that the candidate will get the backing of The Donald.

The endorsement of Romney would come after serious lobbying from some supporters of the frontrunner, according to several sources.

Santorum, Busey and Loaf sources are also claiming that Trump will endorse their candidacy.

Noah Snark

At The New Republic, Tim Noah writes:

As for the [Mike] Allen story ["How Fox News Stays On Top"], it's an unalloyed embarrassment -- one of the worst things I can ever recall reading by a first-rate journalist.

Quick: Name one good thing Mike Allen has ever written. Name one Mike Allen piece that isn't a "fanzine-style puffer" of a Republican politician or a Republican agenda item. Next up: Noah names Newt Gingrich a first-rate thinker and Marty Peretz a first-rate professor.