Saturday, July 12, 2008

News You Can't Use

MoDo and a priest give marriage advice.

Whose is more worthless?

Iraq War Survivor Passes Away At 53

More here.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

The Heart of Redness

As part of Roger Ailes' commitment to provide its readers with the finest campaign coverage on the internet, your humble correspondent will take a trip at the end of the month to one of the reddest states in America. There, I will take the pulse of Bush/McCain dead-enders who hope to retain the Chateau Blanc. I will be reporting from the safety of a Blue Zone, and will employ a cadre of armed guards and press sycophants, Saint John-style, should I venture out to any shopping malls or flea markets for phoney photo-ops with carefully-vetted natives. If and when I return safely, I will post exciting dispatches about my exploits.

Due to recent layoffs, however, this blog will have to go dark while my investigation is underway. Fortunately, readers will not be able to differentiate this trip from all the other times when I just couldn't be bothered to post for a week. Nevertheless, if anyone cares to blog-sit in my absence, drop me a line at the rogerailes@gmail.com address and I'll be happy to hand you the keys.

Sunday, July 06, 2008

Adams Looking 4 His Eve

Some at the festival were on a more personal mission.

Timothy Adams, a 54-year-old on disability who drove from Daytona, Florida, with his motorbike on a trailer behind his camper van, had placed a placard on the windscreen of his vehicle reading: "Wanted: Stalwart Christian woman 4 wife."

He said he hadn't heard back from any women.

"There's a lot of guys who are looking for wives," Adams said, wearing a T-shirt that said "Satan Sucks," partly obscured by his long beard. "It's hard to find a Christian woman, there's so few of them around."

They must've been at the Aspen Ideas Festival, dude.

Dead On The Fourth of July

Unlike the p.r. flacks manipulating the corpse of Jesse Helms, the proprietors of the Liberty Film Festival couldn't bother maintain the fiction that the festival survived to see the Fourth:

July 3rd, 2008

Dear Liberty Film Festival friends and supporters,

The Liberty Film Festival is currently on hiatus. We want to thank all the filmmakers who have submitted their projects to us. Films submitted to us through July 3rd, 2008 will still be considered for screening events, but we are no longer accepting submissions at this time.

Please return to this website for further announcements regarding the Liberty Film Festival.


Thank you, and best wishes,

Jason Apuzzo & Govindini Murty

LFF Co-Founders & Co-Artistic Directors

This is puzzling indeed. Why, it seems like just seven days ago that LFF was crowing about its amazing growth and success:

The first festival featured 20 films and 3,000 people turned up, with "people saying, 'This is our Woodstock,'" said Murty. "Each year, we saw our submissions doubling." This year, Liberty's Internet presence is increasing, with trailers, shorts, features, streamlining, DVD sales and film reviews from conservative critics.

And nothing increases one's internet presence like going on hiatus and refusing submissions. Or failing to post any content to your site the six months before that.

The proprietors don't explain the reasons for the "hiatus," but it would irresponsible not to speculate.

Did "Dirty Harry" take the Betamax equipment with him?

Did Govindini pull the plug on Apuzzo's vacuum cleaner fetish?

Did the rising price of gasoline result in layoffs at the car wash where Apuzzo was employed?

Fortunately, film fans can still enjoy the Libertas blog, where Apuzzo provides the invaluable service of posting the Turner Classic Movies schedule verbatim. Never has the new media shone brighter!

(Via Scott M. in alicublog comments.)

Andrew McCarthy was a former AUSA, but he's still a dumbfuck. Here he demonstrates the special skills that qualifies him for membership in The Corner:

Relevant to the issue we've talked about here and on Bench Memos, the Post says it takes the vote of five justices to rehear a case — although the editors do not say how they know that.

Yeah. It's a big fucking secret. The Post must have a mole deep inside the Supreme Court who gives them all the unwritten, super-confidential insider secrets.

K.I.B.

Another East Coast/West Coast feud is brewing:

As thousands of singers converge on Nashville for an international convention of barbershop harmony music, the old-fashioned music style is facing discord among its fans.

The 70-year-old Barbershop Harmony Society moved to Tennessee last year from Kenosha, Wis., as a part of a move by leadership to recruit more youth and modernize the organization.

...

But traditionalists of the a capella chorus music that dates back to 1900 have accused leaders of forgetting the past. Some members have started the Barbershop Quartet Preservation Association, a parallel organization with its own convention and meetings.

"What others want to do, we take no exception," said Jack Martin, the newer group's chairman. "We just want to do our thing."

The signature sound of four unaccompanied male voices singing in harmony has been the roots of the style, but modernizers want new blood and fresh ideas. Supporters of the traditional style are also known as "kibbers," for the slogan "Keep It Barbershop."

Martin's quartet will premiere its newest single, "Fuck Kenosha," at the convention. And the Dad's Root Beer will flow like Cristal.

The article also mentions that the average barbershop singer is only slightly younger than John McCain.

Saturday, July 05, 2008

Patriotism At Its Finest

Jesse Taylor shows an elderly blogger how to write, reason and amuse:

76,000 people "blindly" screaming "Defense" a week and a half later, though, is as American as apple pie in a motherfucking Camaro parked on Mahmoud Achmedinejad's balls.

If the senile old gent could write like that, he'd still have a book contract rather than a wingnut welfare grant.

Friday, July 04, 2008

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY

What do you say when a vile racist and homophobic bigot dies, a man who opposed integration, civil rights and research into a cure for AIDS?

Update: At The Corner, John J. Miller soils his sheets while reading the Times obit of Senator No More. Says Miller: "'opposed civil rights'? Uh, no. He opposed a particular vision of them."

Uh, yes, he did:

"To rob the Negro of his reputation of thinking through a problem in his own fashion is about the same as trying to pretend that he doesn't have a natural instinct for rhythm and for singing and dancing," he wrote in 1956, according to the AP."

It's a shame Helms didn't live to see the election of President Obama.

To Confirm A Thief

Wingnut legal scholarship in a nutshell: Steal someone else's intellectual property, collect power and prestigious friends among the rabid right, and lie like hell when caught. (Also known as Goegleining.) The punishment for the crime? Lifetime tenure on the federal bench.

The shoe is now on the other foot. President Bush nominated Mr. [Michael] O'Neill to be a judge on the Federal District Court here last month, and there are signs that his nomination might be a difficult one as well.

Last year, a peer-reviewed legal journal, the Supreme Court Economic Review, issued a retraction of an article by Mr. O'Neill in 2004. "Substantial portions" of the article, the editors wrote, were "appropriated without attribution" from a book review by another law professor. In addition, at least four articles by Mr. O'Neill in other publications contain passages that appear to have been lifted from other scholars’ works without quotation marks or attribution.

Long passages in the 2004 article are virtually identical to the book review, which was published in 2000 in the Virginia Law Review and was written by Anne C. Dailey, a law professor at the University of Connecticut.

...

Emily A. Lawrimore, a White House spokeswoman, said Mr. O'Neill had been "completely forthcoming from the start of the vetting process and had “expressed remorse for his actions."

"He was highly recommended to President Bush," Ms. Lawrimore said of Mr. O’Neill, "and the president is confident he will make an excellent judge."

Of course he is.

This explains quite a bit.

Friends and colleagues describe Mr. O'Neill as a creative, fair and exceptionally able lawyer. He is a graduate of Brigham Young University and Yale Law School, and he served as a law clerk to Justice Clarence Thomas on the Supreme Court and Judge David B. Sentelle of the United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit. He is working on a master's degree in writing fiction.

Clarence should be able to give O'Neill tips on giving perjured testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee. Or maybe O'Neill can just call the proceedings a high-tech lynching. Without attribution.

Rip O'Neill give a partial Shalit defense:

Mr. O'Neill was contrite about the duplications, blaming "a poor work method." He said he often mingled research materials and his own work in a single computer file. "I didn't keep appropriate track of things," he said. "I frankly did a poor and negligent job."

LEXIS makes thievery so easy.

I await with anticipation the chorus of outrage from conservative legal bloggers such as Instacracker, Althouse and Assrocket. I'll just sit back and enjoy this beautiful CD of cricket sounds while they compose their posts.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

A common sight for those who frequent the less reputable watering holes and more reputable dinner parties in Our Nation's Capital.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Message: McCain Is Not Old

Even McCain contest winners are on message discipline. From a McCain campaign e-mail:

Dear Rick [Davis, McCain Campaign Manager],

Thank you and everyone involved for both putting together the contest and for the wonderful time that Elliot and I had on the bus! We are still very inspired and overwhelmed by the time we spent with Senator McCain, his family and staff. They were all very gracious and made us feel like we had known them for years. We have a new understanding and an increased appreciation for what political candidates go through on a day to day basis. The schedule is grueling. Senator and Mrs. McCain do it with grace and make it look easy . . . but it is not.

When we finished at the luncheon, we went back to our hotel and took a nap. I am a seasoned nurse and thought I had a lot of stamina, but I was drained. We have both told many people about our experience and what a personable, hard-working, and good-humored person Senator McCain is. We have been John McCain supporters for many years and will be doing our best to work at the grassroots level on his behalf until he is elected as our next president in November.

Again, thanks and best wishes to all for the awesome time.

Sincerely,
Vivian and Elliot

If too many of her patients start dying after lunch, Viv can always get a job in p.r.

Monday, June 30, 2008

Snark

Oh, oh. More Americans will die because of unelected judges from the Reagan and Bush administrations:

With some derision for the Bush administration's arguments, a three-judge panel said the government contended that its accusations against the detainee should be accepted as true because they had been repeated in at least three secret documents.

The court compared that to the absurd declaration of a character in the Lewis Carroll poem "The Hunting of the Snark": "I have said it thrice: What I tell you three times is true."

"This comes perilously close to suggesting that whatever the government says must be treated as true," said the panel of the Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit.

The unanimous panel overturned as invalid a Pentagon determination that the detainee, Huzaifa Parhat, a member of the ethnic Uighur Muslim minority in western China, was properly held as an enemy combatant.

"Whatever the government says must be true" pretty much defines the Bush Administation's governing philosophy. And it's the exact opposite that's true.

Always Be Your Own Person

I'm guessing(*) Terrebonne Parish is a G.O.P. shithole stronghold:

HOUMA, La. (AP) -- School officials in Terrebonne Parish are considering a policy that would require all commencement speeches to be in English.

The proposal comes after Hue and Cindy Vo, cousins who were co-valedictorians at Ellender High School, delivered part of their commencement addresses last month in Vietnamese.

Cindy Vo, the daughter of Vietnamese immigrants, spoke about high-school memories, friends and the future. Then Ms. Vo, 18, recited a sentence in Vietnamese dedicated to her parents, as they watched. She told classmates that the line, roughly translated, was a command to always be your own person.

David Bourg, the secondary education supervisor with the Terrebonne Parish School District, is forming a committee of educators to study the graduations at the four high schools and to make recommendations to the school board. Officials are also considering other proposals, like requiring a prayer during the ceremony.

Congratulations to Ms. Vo for her accomplishments, and for escaping that cracker hellhole.

* I guessed right.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Roger's Bible Study

On this holiest of days -- the day off -- we turn to matters theological. Our lesson this morning is from the Gospel of Saint James, whose author recalls the woman taken in adultery:

I don't question Quinn's grief or the sincerity of her gesture, though I suspect that Quinn may have also queued up to receive Communion because it would give everyone at the service an opportunity to get a good look at her on such a somber, star-studded occasion.

Well put!

Seems like Sally Quinn took a bite out of Christ during the Tim Russert Farewell Tour even though she's not a Catholic, and hilarity ensued. Wolcott points out that Quinn, the Marion Davies of Our Beltway Betters, was given charge of the Washington Post's On Faith e-section even though she lacks a certain grasp of the fundamentals. What Quinn does have is connections to a higher power, namely, droning God-botherer Jon Meacham. To Quinn and her ilk, religion is another neighborhood/private school/gala charity ball where knowing the right people gets you in -- and by "you," she means her and not you.

Meanwhile, there are growing hopes that there will be a peace settlement between the Jews and the Presbyterians:

Seeking elusive balance on Middle East issues, the Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.) General Assembly on Friday urged its members to become "nonpartisan advocates for peace" and "a voice for the victims of violence in both Israel and Palestine."

But disagreement also erupted over the assembly's decision to endorse an Arab-Israeli peace proposal that Jewish leaders say would spell the end of the state of Israel. The high emotions around the resolutions underscored tensions in a denomination that traditionally has identified strongly with the Palestinian cause but has made an effort recently to be more sensitive to Jewish concerns.

...

Several Jewish groups issued a joint statement Friday welcoming the Presbyterians' move "toward balance" on its policies in the region but raised concern about the endorsement of the Amman Call. Jonathan Bernstein, director of a San Francisco-based regional office of Anti-Defamation League, echoed that view.

"It's a sign to me that we need to do more dialogue in educating with the Presbyterian Church," Bernstein said [somewhat incoherently -- RA].

Blessed are the cheesemakers indeed.

(By the way, Quinn's article on Pumpkinhead's passing contains multiple nuggets of found comedy gold, especially Tim's Friday Random Ten, the miracle at the memorial, and Tim's advice on heart health.)

Sunday, June 22, 2008

We've Lost Pixar

Digital Animation Studio Objectively Pro-Terrorist, Cries Kiddie-Film Watching Moron

(Warning: Contains link to moron)

Brand Jesus

Another Christian educator has fallen victim to political correctness. John Freshwater wanted to make Our Savior relevant to the youth of Mount Vernon, Ohio, and there's nothing that middle schoolers love more than body modifications. But Satan said "No":

A Mount Vernon teacher undermined science instruction in the public school district by discrediting evolution in his classroom and focusing on creationism and intelligent design, an investigation has found.

...

For 11 years, other teachers in the school district and people in the community complained about Freshwater preaching his Christian beliefs in class and slamming scientific theories, a school administrator told investigators.

...

The report confirmed that Freshwater burned crosses onto students' arms, using an electrostatic device, in December.

Freshwater told investigators the marks were X's, not crosses. But all of the students interviewed in the investigation reported being branded with crosses. The investigation report includes a photo of one student's arm with a long vertical line and a short horizontal line running through it.
Not only did the kids learn a valuable lesson about the regenerative properties of skin cells, they learned the basics of tattooing as well. What pre-teen doesn't want to look like his or her favorite death row inmate or member of Fall Out Boy? And it's not like Freshwater had reason to believe it was dangerous to burn human flesh.

Sadly, there are some backsliders who refuse to support Freshwater fully:

Freshwater's friend Dave Daubenmire defended him.

"With the exception of the cross-burning episode.... I believe John Freshwater is teaching the values of the parents in the Mount Vernon school district," he said.

You can't be a true Christian or a true American if you don't support cross-burning, Daubsy.

Freshwater also gave students extra credit for watching the movie Expelled as well. I smell sequel! And get those folks from Liberty Film Festival on the blower!

I'm guessing John the Baptist's got a entire basement full of spanking videos, and not just The Passion of the Christ, either. Let's hope his coreligionists in the wingnutosphere take up John's crusade so he can get back to suffering the little children by the beginning of the school year.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

The Rocket's Red Ass

If you had a chance to talk to the man you hope will become the next president, what would you say? Here's what Johnny Assrocket of the Powerpuff Blog would -- and did - say:

John McCain was in town for a big event at the Minneapolis Hilton and a town hall appearance in St. Paul. My wife and I waited for an hour and a half for a photo with the candidate; as so often happens, he was running late. I figured I'd have ten seconds with him, so I wanted to choose my words carefully. I decided to introduce my wife and myself, and say, "Global warming is b***s***." That seemed like the most meaningful message I could convey in the short time available.

Several questions spring to mind. Foremost is: How did Assrocket pronounce the ***s in "b***s***"?

Second is: Why would he say something to the Senator that he is too ashamed to spell out on his blog?

Third: Did he realize that, if McCain was even bothering to listen, he wouldn't understand whether Assrocket was opposed to global warming or denying the existence of global warming?

Fourth: Didn't Assrocket participate in those blogger conference calls with McCain, where McCain pretended to listen at length to Assrocket and his idiot pals? Why is McCain suddenly so inaccessible to Time magazine's Blogger of the Year?

And, finally: Shouldn't Assrocket be more concerned with Our Thousand Year Victory in Iraq or the War on Muslims or reconquista or some other wingnutty obsession than the non-issue of global warming? I refuse to believe the Assman couldn't boil his most complex thoughts on those subjects down to seven syllables.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Not An Upgrade

NBC has replaced a Pumpkinhead with a talking wigstand.

Republican 2.0. And no one should be surprised.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

The Right Man's Burden

Kathy Lopez, Grade 5, writes a book report:

I read a lot of contemporary non-fiction. Kathleen Parker's Save the Males stands out in a overcrowded field. With a light and clever hand, this southern lady works to save the males and Western Civ. "You'll laugh, you'll cry" may be a cliché but it's true here.

Save the Males has something for everyone. Young women will read Save the Males and have an appreciation for what their male contemporaries are up against. Mothers will read Save the Males and recognize a familiar story. Hardened feminists may read Save the Males and feel remorse. Men will appreciate that they're appreciated. Everyone should read, can read, and will enjoy reading Save the Males.

You'll spot the problem immediately: There are too many contemporary non-fiction books, but not enough that everyone can read.

Speaking of hardened, Publisher's Weekly summarizes the plot (Warning: Contains spoilers):

According to columnist Parker, men are an endangered species struggling against everything from mere hostility to literal emasculation. Starting in elementary school, where a teacher most likely a feminist will demand that boys sit still and listen and continuing through college, where freshmen must endure rape awareness workshops, men are besieged by disrespect. Belittled by bumbling portrayals in sitcoms, their importance as fathers is so devalued that they are perceived as little more than sperm and a wallet. Parker trots out the usual suspects — mass culture, unspecified feminists, The Vagina Monologues, Murphy Brown, metrosexuals and girlymen — to propose that a feminist campaign is afoot and eager to effeminize, denigrate and destroy American men. Although Parker's deliberate provocations make for lively reading, the majority of her claims are too fanciful and unsubstantiated to be genuinely thought provoking or even interesting (erectile dysfunction is caused by young, sexually aggressive women; women serving in the army put the nation at risk).

Funny. I've had the opposite experience, though not nearly often enough.

One wonders about the circumstances in which this happens -- Is it during sex with a young, sexually aggressive woman whose youth and enthusiasm disgusts you? While having sex with an old and/or sexually passive woman and wishing you were elsewhere? While trying to beat off surreptitiously in the Feminist Theory section of the campus bookstore?

And Parker's publisher doesn't make the tome sound any better:

Exploring our burgeoning "slut culture" and the vividly narcissistic prevalence of vagina worship, Save the Males softens no edges.

Well, that sounds painful. Next time, try a water-soluble lubricant.

Parker is angling to become the Bernie Goldberg of pathetic losers who blame their failures on the opposite sex. Frankly, anyone who believes that men or boys are victimized in American culture because of their gender needs her head examined. And anyone who blames the inability to perform on young, sexually aggressive women needs his head examined.

Porno for Pantloads

Jonah Goldberg admits that he is a consumer of beastiality videos, although, more often than not, he doesn't go looking for them:

Surprising as it may be to some, I'm far from an aficionado of donkey porn. But going by what little I've been exposed to (usually unwittingly), I'd say that video comes up way shy of "bestiality."

I guess that's the hazard of having a mom who brought her work home.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

And When They Rolled Away The Stone, Tim Was Gone

[SALLY] QUINN: I don't know any single person who ever thought that Tim was unfair.

...

QUINN: Yes, but, you know, the thing that is so interesting about it was that everybody believed Tim. There was never -- I never heard anybody say, "Do you think Tim is telling the truth?"