Monday, October 23, 2006

You Can't Make This Shit Up

On the local NBC news at 11, they promoed an interview of Bush by Maria Bartiromo. In it, the anchor claimed, Bush said that he never used e-mail because of privacy concerns.

Anyone think that Bartiromo asked a follow-up?

Update (10/24): Dan Froomkin has the quote, which is a little different than the anchor's paraphrase. Bush doesn't use e-mail because of "the different record requests that can happen to a president." Too lazy to delete and shred, like his daddy done. Lawful process bad; unlawful process good.

Froomkin also links to the Google satellite image of Bush's Playskool Ranch, so we can still back and wait for the jihad of the deranged and undermedicated to commence in 3, 2 ....

Grand Old Police Blotter: The Skilling Kind Edition

Convicted Bush supporter Jeffrey K. Skilling has just become the dumbest guy in the cell. United States District Judge Simeon Lake today sentenced the unrepenitent Republican to 24 years in the penitentiary for securities fraud and conspiracy:

The judge's sentence fell within the 2000 federal sentencing guidelines. Judge Lake rejected the government's call to use stricter 2001 guidelines. But he found several reasons to increase Mr. Skilling's sentence into a range of 292 months to 365 months, or 24 years and 4 months to 30 years and 5 months.

The higher sentence, the judge said, was because he found that Mr. Skilling had lied to the Securities and Exchange Commission about the real reasons for his sales of Enron stock before the company's collapse in December 2001. Mr. Skilling said he sold the stock only because of the impact on the market of the 9/11 terrorist attacks.

So 9/11 didn't change everything.

It's a shame Jeff didn't apply his considerable talents where they would have been appreciated -- for the Coalition Provisional Authority.

See you in 2030, Jeff.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

Now That's What I Call Eclectic

At Roger Ailes, we pride ourselves on the breadth of our interests. Of the past 100 incoming links recorded by HaloScan Site Meter, web surfers have found Roger Ailes through the following searches:

Philip Bloom GBG Logistics

Dennis Prager and male privilege

gay male toe sucking (safe search on)

mailing address for Nancy Grace

Condi Rice speaks in Houston on Pearl Harbor type event

hookers Houston

Miles and Ailes (sic - aisles) of sexism

Rationale for Captain Underpants

Michael Reagan's military service (sic)
What other liberal blog can claim Neil Bush, Dick Morris and L. Brent Bozell III as readers?

(Idea inspired by James Capozzola.)

Jesus, That's Some Stupid Shit!

In The New Republic, tireless God-botherer Amy Sullivan tries to save the souls of us pagan babies on the left. Her article is titled, "It's Hard To Believe, But Bush Does Disdain Evangelicals."

In a world where Amy Sullivan's opinion is thought to have value, there's nothing that's hard to believe. And Sullivan's article isn't actually about how Bush disdains evangelicals, it's about how liberals are godless intolerant paranoids who suck.

Sullivan takes as her text the Gospel According to David Kuo. First, Sullivan tries to school the Biblical illterates she imagines read the godless TNR:

[Conservatives] charged the traitor, former Deputy Director of the Office of Faith-Based and Community Initiatives David Kuo, with timing the book to do maximum damage in the midterm elections, and they compared him to Judas Iscariot, the disciple who betrayed Jesus. "What David Kuo is saying about the President and his efforts," said David Contreras, Texas director of the Council on Faith in Action, "is nothing more than a cynical attempt to sell books and line his pockets with 30 pieces of silver [a reference to the payment Judas received for turning Jesus over to the Pharisees.]"
Yes, but who is this "Jesus" of which you speak? Slow down, I can't keep up.

The reaction [to the book] from the left has been, to put it mildly, slightly less vigorous. It is in stark contrast to the way in which liberal commentators and bloggers embraced other revelations, such as former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill's memoir or the latest Bob Woodward book. This time, the responses have ranged from total silence to yawns to fears that the book could backfire on the Democratic Party. In general, most liberals have chosen to distance themselves from Kuo and his case.

Or perhaps the contrast could be explained by the fact that O'Neill's book had important revelations, such as confirmation that Bush planned to invade Iraq nearly 10 months before September 11, 2001, whereas Kuo is just whining about the lack of Administration pork for his special interest group. (As for liberal bloggers' reaction to Booby's latest book, the take I saw most was that Woodward was the last dolt in D.C. to realize -- or grudgingly admit -- the War President's incompetence.)

Why don't liberals care about Kuo as much as Sullivan thinks they should?

This could just be smart politics. After all, Republicans are in such a free-fall at the moment that it might be best for liberals to stay out of the way and let conservatives fling recriminations at each other, as has largely been the case with the Mark Foley scandal. But something else is at play, too. Despite the evidence Kuo presents in Tempting Faith, liberals simply don't believe him. They've spent so much time fear-mongering about American theocracy that a book illustrating the opposite simply makes no sense to them. In fact, the real revelation of Kuo's book is not that the Bushies don't care about evangelicals; it's that liberals are too wedded to their views to capitalize on it.

But there's no inconsistency in holding simultaneously the beliefs that the Bush Administration wants to impose Christian-right beliefs upon the citizenry (through judicial appointments, use of taxes for religious purposes, and the like) and that those in the Administration believe themselves exempt from the laws of God necessary to keep the filthy heathens docile.

Sullivan then goes on to a cherry-pick sample liberal reaction to the book. Or something. First, she goes off on a tangent and bashes Lawrence O'Donnell for characterizing as "insane" the fundie philosophy that all Jews are going to hell. It really rankles her that O'Donnell would piss on one of her most cherished beliefs.

Then, returning to the subject, she writes:

In the blogosphere, the liberal reaction was a bit more temperate than O'Donnell's theological attack, but no more strategically smart. Kuo's book should have prompted the left to think about how to exploit tensions in the GOP or even to reach out to disaffected evangelicals. Instead, the major liberal blogs--after a brief "what's this?" look last week when the "nuts" revelations surfaced--have ignored the story. Street Prophets, a Daily Kos-affiliated site has paid attention, but only to criticize Kuo as naive about politics and wasting his time on old news. Even a website for religious Democrats sniffed that Kuo's allegations were "not particularly newsworthy." Meanwhile, one prominent liberal blogger sent an e-mail warning others that Kuo's book was "total horseshit" and not good news for liberals.

D'oh! We liberals and Dems missed the perfect opportunity to expand our base by supporting the criminalization of sodomy and abortion and the eternal damnation of Marty Peretz.

The problem is that Kuo's book creates cognitive dissonance for liberals. Conspiracy theories about theocracy have haunted liberals for the last few years, and, if you believe that religious conservatives lead Bush around by the nose, evidence to the contrary is impossible to absorb. Everyone on the left "knows" that the faith-based initiative is a slush-fund, a jackpot for religious conservatives. If it turns out instead to be a political sham that produced only 1 percent of the new funds it promised for faith-based organizations, liberals need rethink their theocracy-phobia.

Come on, Sullivan. You're not even trying now. The issue isn't whether the Administration gave the fundies every dollar they wanted, it's that they gave them anything at all. Their motive for doing so -- pure or corrupt -- doesn't matter. Either way, that is theocracy. And the left can't make a counteroffer, or enter into a bidding war for the fundies' favor, without abandoning the core principles which makes it the left.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Am I innumerate or is something wrong with this paragraph?

At a diabetes conference in June, Merck said Januvia lowered blood sugar levels by 0.67 percent in a yearlong trial, or just as much as another, older drug, glipizide. Roughly two-thirds of patients reached the ADA's 7 percent goal.

A Man, A Plan, An Anal Canal: Peretz

When is a plan not a plan? When Marty Peretz starts guzzling the Bush Administration Kool-Aid.

Peretz on the Connecticut Senate debate:

But it [the New York Times] did cite Lamont as saying that Lieberman was a "career politician" -- which in my view means a successful and achieving politician -- "who has no plan for withdrawing American troops from Iraq."

Now, which of the Democratic potentates who Lamont has been toting around the state has such a plan? Hilary [sic] Clinton? Bill Clinton? Does Lamont think that saying he favors a time-certain for American withdrawal is actually such a plan? It is not. And what, by the way, would come after? Perhaps we should ask John Kerry.

So the plan to remove of U.S. troops from Iraq by a date certain is not a plan for withdrawing American troops from Iraq. Is there a force field around Iraq which prevents soldiers from departing? Or is Peretz, a career asshole, just a functional illiterate?

And what does Marty consider a plan? Standing down when the Iraqis stand up? Letting the troops die in Iraq, and not replacing them? Withdrawing the troops is the only plan that could be implemented successfully by the Chucklehead in Chief.

As for what comes after, Marty and his neoclown pals should have asked themselves that before they howled for the deaths of hundreds of thousands in an unjustified war of agression.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Thugs For Rethuglicans

Oreo cookie fabulist Lt. Governor Michael Steele (R-MD) has found the ideal spokesperson for the Republican agenda: Convicted rapist and failed cannibal Mike Tyson:

At the press conference, Tyson posed for photos with fans, signed autographs and campaigned for Maryland U.S. Senate candidate Michael Steele.

Tyson, wearing a white and blue Steele for U.S. Senate T-shirt, said he used to believe black Republicans were "sellouts." But Tyson said he changed his mind after researching the Maryland lieutenant governor.

"We have to open our eyes more," Tyson said, as he pointed to his T-shirt.

Even better, convicted killer Don King is also a Steele-belted Republican, appearing with the whiny race hustler at various campaign events.

Maybe Steele can heal the Tyson/King rift and have his criminal cronies kick Ben Cardin to death before the election.

(More here.)

Thursday, October 12, 2006

The Swift Is Not To The Race

Jon Swift, meatpacker and inventor of the Swift Boat, has a rundown of the top 10 House races to watch.

And look for a cameo by yours truly as an anal-retentive nit picker.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Grand Old Police Blotter: A Currin Affair Edition

It seems as if there's nearly a 100 percent correlation between working for Jesse Helms and criminality.

While I was on vacation this summer (it seems so long ago), Claude "The Fraud" Allen

pleaded guilty to theft on August 4, 2006. He shed tears during his sentencing hearing and apologized to his wife, family, and friends. Noting that Allen had been publicly humiliated by his arrest, and that he accepted responsibility for the crimes without trying to make excuses, the judge sentenced him to 18 months of "probation before judgment", which means that his record will be expunged of any crime if he completes his probation successfully.

But he'll always have a giant red and white target on his ass.

I love the excuse Clod's wife gave for her better half:

"In addition to the demanding household of four young children, we lived out of storage boxes in a friend's basement," Jannese Allen said. "Claude's 14-hour workdays became more demanding after the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina."
So Claude decided to do a little looting of his own. I guess I'm entitled to Allen's Mercedes, given all the medical appointments I've had to go to recently.

I came across Allen's guilty plea while reading about another criminal Helms protogee.

No, not Armstrong "Magic Fingers" Williams, the Bush Administration's other slapheaded whore.

It's spammin' Sammy Currin:

Former U.S. Attorney Sam Currin agreed Wednesday to plead guilty to federal charges that he conspired to launder $1.3 million that a computer spam artist made by inundating e-mail inboxes with stock-picking schemes.

Currin, 57, of Raleigh, used to be the one prosecuting federal crimes in Eastern North Carolina. Now he faces almost nine years in prison for his role in a scheme that prosecutors say netted him more than $240,000. Currin also plans to plead guilty to two counts of obstruction for failing to report $6,000 in income to the IRS and for lying to and failing to surrender documents to a federal grand jury, which was investigating another client's business merger.

Currin, who is well-known in conservative Republican circles, is a former protege of U.S. Sen. Jesse Helms. In 1981, he became Raleigh's top federal prosecutor, a post for which Helms nominated him. Currin held the job until 1987 and then went on to be a state Superior Court judge. In 1990, he left to run a law practice and become a state GOP leader.

As a state GOP leader, Currin's got all the right qualifications.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Doctor, It Hurts When I Do This

Sometimes it's very hard to stop doing something that's not good for you. Sometimes it's not:

"You can see where it would be easy for some people to blame gays for something that might bring down the party in Congress," said Brian Bennett, a gay Republican political consultant. He was a longtime chief of staff to former Representative Robert K. Dornan, Republican of California, who regularly referred to gays as Sodomites.

...

"You learn to compartmentalize really well," said one Republican strategist who, like many gay Republicans interviewed for this article, would speak only anonymously for fear of adversely affecting his career.

Mr. Fordham's history illustrates the potential tensions between private life and professional rhetoric. After leaving Mr. Foley's office in 2004, he worked as finance director for the campaign of Senator Mel Martinez, Republican of Florida. In that race, a Martinez campaign flier accused a political rival of favoring the "radical homosexual lobby" by supporting hate crimes legislation that included protections for gay men and lesbians.

One of the inevitable facts, said Mr. Bennett, the former Dornan aide, is that "there are just going to be some days when it's hard to be a gay Republican."

Sorry, Brian and anon., but I don't feel your pain.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Reasons To Be Cheerful, Part I

I'm not him.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

The Path to 9/11, Starring Condi Rice

Thanks, Condi.

At the beginning of today's Meet the Press, Russert displayed a graphic with a mock newspaper headline:

"HOUSE AIDS KNEW ABOUT FOLEY ALLEGATIONS SINCE '05"

I'm paraphrasing, but one word is quoted verbatim -- "AIDS." The misspelling is NBC's.

Coincidence? Ignorance?

Call me skeptical.

Saturday, September 30, 2006

Torts for Morons

Let me break this down for the moron in question:

Falsely accusing someone of stealing confidential documents, and of repeatedly engaging in similar misconduct: Defamatory.

Accordingly, I am retracting my claim that Herzig-Yoshinaga "surreptitiously shared confidential documents with" Irons. I have made a note of this on the errata page of my book. Moreover, I am directing Regnery to excise the words "surreptitiously" and "confidential" from future editions of the book.

In addition, I retract the following statements which appeared on my blog:

August 24, 2004:

Contrary to [University of North Carolina law professor Eric] Muller's assertion that the papers shared were "publicly available documents sitting in publicly available files at archives open to the public," the article makes clear that Irons did not obtain permission to receive the papers he acquired from Herzig-Yoshinaga.

August 25, 2004:

As I noted, these records, however, had not been cleared for public use, and Iron's request to copy them had been explicitly denied. By the way, this was not the only time Irons engaged in these sort of shenanigans.

I apologize to Irons and Herzig-Yoshinaga for the errors.

Claiming someone wore a bikini 10 years ago: Not defamatory.

Not even chuckleheads like Hinderaker or Morongoff would take your case, except on a hourly basis.

Top Ten Republican Pickup Lines

10. Do you like gladiator movies, Timmy?

9. Would you like to see my Washington Monument?

8. A/S/L?

7. Did you know that Saddam Hussein has reconstituted his nuclear weapons program, Timmy?

6. Put down that pipe, and get my pipe up! (And I'm not talking about the internet.)

5. Here's $200, Mr. Gannon.

4. No fats, no fems. Bisexual o.k.

3. That's just the Speaker of the House. He's cool.

2. Did you see me on Dateline NBC last Friday?

And the number one Republican pick-up line is:

Is that a Foley catheter in my pocket, or am I just happy to see you?

Bonus Line: I'm Representative Don Sherwood, and I approve this massage.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Grand Old Police Blotter: Meets Republican Family Values Edition

What does a Republican prosecutor do when her tax criminal husband starts banging other women? She calls the graft-taking, Judith Regan-screwing, bogus 9/11 hero, Bernie "Cut and Run" Kerik to illegally wiretap her husband's boat... I mean, to idly chit-chat about completely hypothetical illegal wiretapping.

And not just any Republican prosecutor -- the Republican nominee for New York Attorney General, Jeanine Pirro.

Let's listen in as Pirro and Kerik plan their totally imaginary caper:

[Pirro] suggests, "We can just simply say, if there is an issue, that I am redecorating it for our anniversary." She complains that Kerik's man is, "uncomfortable with that."

Kerik responded by saying, "But Jeanine, I'm having the same fucking problem with everybody. Everybody is panic stricken because it's you. I've gone out on a limb. I had two other people looking at this. It's a problem."

Pirro said, "What am I supposed to do, Bernie? Watch him fuck her every night? What am I supposed to do? I can go on the boat. I'll put the fucking thing on myself."

Don't forget, folks, Kerik was Rudy Guiliani's fucking lieutenant.

Pirro may have had an alternative to wiretapping:

Without her husband, sources said she told Kerik, "I move into the governor's mansion." That's an apparent reference to her aspirations for higher office, the documents said.

You should have spent the extra money, Jeanine, and had old Albert whacked.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Harvard intellectual Marty Peretz has been blogging for two weeks, and he's already reduced to reprinting e-mail forwards with French jokes.

Next week: Blondes, Clinton blow job and dead Palestinian jokes.
Unethical wig-wearing freak Nancy Grace has been caught plagiarizing in her latest "book," I Piss On Your Constitution:

Last year, Hyperion published [Nancy] Grace's book "Objection! How High-Priced Defense Attorneys, Celebrity Defendants, and a 24/7 Media Have Hijacked Our Criminal Justice System."

Grace was happy to hype the book, which spent five weeks on The New York Times best-seller list. She was less eager to draw attention to the fact that she'd lifted huge, verbatim passages in the book from that newspaper.

Grace notes in the book's bibliography that she drew on an Aug. 5, 2002, "Patents" column by Sabra Chartrand about a device that allows parents to track their children. But it was only after the book was out in hardcover that she acknowledged how much of pages 204 and 205 came from the article -- 359 words, to be exact.

Sources say Hyperion president Robert S. Miller was willing to accept Grace's claim that it was an "inadvertent" error. But he insisted that Grace alert The Times in a letter that promised the "error" would be fixed in future printings.

Word is, Grace refused to write that letter -- provoking Hyperion's lawyers to remind her that, under her contract, she was responsible to hold the publisher harmless if The Times sued over copyright infringement.

If only there was a way Grace could get jail time for this.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Smarter monkeys, please.

Maybe he or she can apply for Brendan Nyhan's old job.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Allen Wretch

Salon reports that George Allen (R-VA) is a true Reagan Republican:

WASHINGTON -- Three former college football teammates of Sen. George Allen say that the Virginia Republican repeatedly used an inflammatory racial epithet and demonstrated racist attitudes toward blacks during the early 1970s.

"Allen said he came to Virginia because he wanted to play football in a place where 'blacks knew their place,'" said Dr. Ken Shelton, a white radiologist in North Carolina who played tight end for the University of Virginia football team when Allen was quarterback. "He used the N-word on a regular basis back then."

A second white teammate, who spoke on the condition of anonymity because he feared retribution from the Allen campaign, separately claimed that Allen used the word "nigger" to describe blacks. "It was so common with George when he was among his white friends. This is the terminology he used," the teammate said.

A third white teammate contacted separately, who also spoke on condition of anonymity out of fear of being attacked by the Virginia senator, said he too remembers Allen using the word "nigger," though he said he could not recall a specific conversation in which Allen used the term. "My impression of him was that he was a racist," the third teammate said.

David Frum, Smear Merchant

Apparently while I was missing in action the left blogosphere turned virulently anti-Semitic:

This is -- the Allen-Webb race is one of the two most races most intensely followed by the left wing Web sites in this country. And if you read those left wing Web sites and go into the comment sections, Daily Kos MoveOn.org sites, you will see they are seething with anti-Semitism that is unbelievable to anyone who thought they understand what American life was about.

...And if we're going to talk about anti-Semitism on the campaign trail in 2006, I think people should be reading the comment section at the Daily Kos, where you will see it rich and bold and vivid.
Oh wait, that was just David Frum, the man who thinks Conrad Black is a paragon of virtue.

Never mind.