I got a feeling I'm not the only one

The rains fall on the just and the unjust.

WASHINGTON - Former Vice President Dick Cheney was at George Washington University Hospital Monday in Washington, D.C. after experiencing chest pains.

A family member told NBC News he was resting comfortably while doctors evaluated his condition.

Two doctors at George Washington University Hospital said Cheney was stable but may have additional treatment Tuesday. "We don't know what the plan is," one physician told NBC News.

Sounds familiar.

May Dick get the treatment we all deserve.

My undercover investigation into America's health care system is completed.

Takeaway: Don't get sick.

Posting to resume anonish.

The Asspora

Thor Thorasson has banned more than half Republican Party and more than half his fellow crackers from RedState.

In other words, Erick sold his soul to the MSM for thirty cups of Morning Joe. Where will the outcast go? To freerepublic and Atlas Juggs? Maybe Greg Girard will start a website.

A Fearless Symmetry

75 percent of respondents in a national poll stated that gay men and lesbians are fit to serve in the military.

75 percent of respondents in a national poll refused to state Sharia Plain is fit to serve as president.

So: Is the country one-quarter full of morons, or three-quarters empty of morons?

Trickle Down

I wonder which of the following caused the biggest trickle down David Broder's leg?

I will live I will die for the people of America. This party that we call the Tea Party, this movement, as I say is the future of politics in America.

How's that hopey, changey thing working out for ya?

They know we're at war, and to win that war we need a commander in chief and not a professor of law standing at the lectern.

At least the Dean has come out of the closet and no longer pretends to be bipartisan. Did his parents finally die or something?

The RNC came up with a good idea. It goes without saything that it has nothing to do with policy. And most of the gags fall flat, even if you accept the mostly inaccuarate premises of the joke.

Perhaps a series of V.D. cards featuring bloggers might work. Try this one:

Ann Althouse card: "A loaf of bread, a jug of wine and another jug of wine."

Whadda Ya Mean "We," White Man?

Marty "The Wedding Singer" Peretz:

Some place in the prints this morning, I saw President Obama characterized as bi-racial. It led me to thinking about the way we read men and women with different proportions of blackness in them. Pretty much up to now, it was the Nuremberg Law model: a little bit of Jewish blood, you're Jewish … a little bit of black blood, you're black.

Really, Marty? The way "we" think about persons with some black/African ancestry is "the Numerberg Law model?" I can't imagine most people today base their thinking on a Nazi racial purity law. And if "we're" thinking about black ancestry, wouldn't we be thinking about the one-drop statutes in the United States, which actually applied to African-Americans? And have the Jews in Marty's "we" abandoned their own definitions of Jewishness for the Nazi model?

Marty's thinking about multi-racial ancestry is just a lead in for a bash-session aimed Attorney General Eric Holder, the Reverend Al Sharpton, Rep. Elijah Cummings, Michael Eric Dyson (who Marty criticizes for either the amount or content of his writings) and other black gentleman who should have no concern about passing the "one-drop test." But then again, no one ever said Marty had to be coherent.

P.S. to Marty: You mean "reeked." Hire better interns.

That's not ink, that's Rich Lowry's semen

Mary Katherine "Butt" Ham, comedy ethics expert:

Robert Gibbs Goes Dane Cook: Steals Jokes from Sarah Palin to Make Fun of Her Focused like a laser.

BY Mary Katharine Ham

In a White House briefing where the president showed up (because Howard Kurtz wrote a column) to talk about his bipartisan health-care summit and getting beyond politics to solve problems, the White House press secretary used the dumbest political story of the week to take a shot at a former governor and Fox News Contributor from the podium.

...

Gibbs went petty today, as he so often does, by scribbling notes on his palm today, featuring "eggs, milk, bread, hope and change."

This would have been funny if Sarah Palin hadn't already made the joke, and better, herself.

Palin wrote "Hi, Mom" on her hand before a Sunday rally for Rick Perry in the wake of the uproar over her hand notes the day before. It was one of those moments that, for any person not caught up in Palin Derangement Syndrome, should have made crystal clear why people love her. For all his strengths, Barack Obama is capable of nothing like that sort of folksy self-deprecation.

Gibbs' joke kind of loses its punch when its subject has already made it. Plus, now the Left is forced to write about how totally lame Palin's joke was while simultaneously praising Gibbs' truly lame copy of it. That's gonna be some tough blog-writing, but I believe in them.

All this to say...Robert Gibbs is the Dane Cook of political humor. I hope he's proud of himself.

At the risk of being compared to Milton Berle, let me say that Mary Katherine Ham is fucking retarded.

Now there's one Ham that will never be bone-in. *rimshot*

The Highest and Best Use of The Internet

The internet keeps getting better:

Our Assistant Managing editor Michael van der Galien did a great job live-blogging today's episode of Glenn Beck. You can read them all here: Glenn Beck Live Blog Part I Glenn Beck Live Blog Part II Glenn Beck Live Blog Part III Glenn Beck Live Blog Part IV Glenn Beck Live Blog Part V Glenn Beck Live Blog Part VI Glenn Beck Live Blog Part VII NewsReal Blog will frequently live-blog Glenn Beck as well as other cable news programs and presidential speeches. We hope you'll join us for the next one.

Could this be even stupider than it sounds?

Yes.

Much, much, much stupider.

You'll have to read the whole thing to find out how.

Man, I need my own blogging team. Specialization is the wave of the future.

Do Lie, Do Tell

A headline at Tucker Faye Karlason's Daily Choler reads:

Polls show service members oppose gays in military as Gates and Mullen prepare to testify on Don't Ask Don't Tell

How does Bow-Tie Boy lie? Let us count the ways.

1. The story cites one purported DADT poll, not polls.

2. The purported poll cited is a December 2008 Military Times poll. Not a poll taken as Gates and Mullen prepare to testify.

3. The 2008 Military Times survey was not a poll of service members, but a summary of responses to an e-mail sent by Military Times to its subscribers.

As someone once said, "Everything [Tucker] wrote is a lie, including 'and' and 'the.'"

Breach Babies

The University of Chicago wept:

Blodget: The contract is absolutely sacred and what I'm saying is that that's why the contract is there. It is to specify what happens if you do not pay. You're not ripping up the contract and saying I refuse to honor it. That's what it's there for, it specifies exactly what happens in this case.

McArdle: Wait a minute. Now, if your cell phone provider just like unilaterally breached your contract and they paid whatever $50 penalty was in the contract for that, would you be like, "Oh, that's OK," because they had this penalty in the contract and they can pay me the penalty? Or they can live up to the contract they signed. Would you be like, "Well, but it's corporate." No! You'd be furious. I would be furious, I would be on my Web site telling the entire world that they were a bunch of lying, cheating deadbeats.

Which tome takes up less space on the head of a pin -- McArdle on Contracts or McArdle on Ethics?

Link via aimai at No More Mister Nice Blog.

Countdown to 2012

I've complied a 64 list of likely G.O.P. hopefuls in 2012. I've tried to stick to realistic possibilities (meaning that almost all of the people listed think they are a national leader, deluded as they may be).

Iowans and New Hampshiredomites should immediately file for a restraining order using this list. Roger Readers may impress their 20 or so fellow readers by being to first to select the Republican Party's nominee from this list.

ALEXANDER, Lamar!
ALLEN, George
ARMEY, Dick
BACHMANN, Michelle
BARBOUR, Haley
BECK, Glenn
BENNETT, Bill
BLACKBURN, Marsha
BLACKWELL, Kenneth J.
BOENHER, John
BROWN, Scott
BROWNBACK, Sam
BURTON, Dan
BUSH, George P.
BUSH, John Ellis
CANTOR, Eric
CAO, Ahn
CHENEY, Richard B.
CHENEY, Elizabeth
CHRISTIE, Chris
DELAY, Tom
DEMINT, Jim
DOBBS, Lou
DOBSON, Richard
DREIER, David
ENSIGN, John
ERICKSON, Eric
FIORINA, Carleton S.
FLAKE, Jeff
FRIST, Bill
GINGRICH, Newt
GRAHAM, Lindsey
GUILIANI, Rudolph
HUTCHINSON, Kay Bailey
LIEBERMAN, Joseph I.
HUCKABEE, Michael
JINDAL, Piyush
LIMBAUGH, Rush
KEYES, Alan
KYL, John
McCAIN, John Sidney
McCONNELL, Mitch
McDONNELL, Bob
PALIN, Sarah
PAUL, Ron
PAWLENTY, Tim
PENCE, Mike
PERKINS, Tony
PERRY, Rick
REED, Ralph
REYNOLDS, Glenn
ROBERTSON, Marion
ROMNEY, Willard
RYAN, Tim
SANTORUM, Rick
SCARBOROUGH, Joe
SHELBY, Richard
STEELE, Michael
TANCREDO, Tom
THOMPSON, Fred
VITTER, David
WURZELBACHER, Joe
WARREN, Rick

It's a deep bench; an embarrassment of embarrassments.

Tale of the Tape

For those who watched This Week with Barbara Walters (or whatever it's called) this morning, here's the skinny:

At least 100 pounds less
No jowls
A full head of hair
98 percent less gray
No liver spots or lips
Sadly, at least 40 million less in the bank
Equally as unqualified to appear on television
But 100 percent more honest

Howard Zinn. Louis Auchincloss. James Mitchell. J.D. Salinger.

A lot of old people are dying.

No Conjugal Vists for You

Deborah Howell cum James Guckert explains journalistic ethics to Andrew Breitbart's "life story" employee/pimp:

I am shocked by the reports of this behavior. I am well aware that following the law is an integral part of being a good investigative journalist. I take that responsibility and accountability very seriously. I certainly hope these reports are untrue.

Following the law, lying and full-body waxing. In that order.

Necessarily

SLC-GOP Punked:

Salt Lake County Republicans are scrambling to line up a new keynote fundraising speaker after the arrest Tuesday of their scheduled first choice, filmmaker James O'Keefe, on charges of attempting to tamper with the phone system of a U.S. Senator.

"The allegations and arrest today certainly changes our plans," county GOP Chairman Thomas Wright said in a telephone interview with The Tribune . "We'll be announcing a new speaker shortly."

As of Tuesday night, the party's Web site, slcogop.com, still advertised O'Keefe as the guest speaker for the party's Feb. 4 Lincoln Day Dinner. His topic was to be "his national exposé of ACORN's unethical behavior, his changes in Congress and [how he will] inspire our Party's passion for a grassroots comeback."

The fundraising announcement said donations of from $4,000 to $7,500 would entitle contributing groups to have access to elected Republican officials and the guest speaker at a VIP reception. Wright said the web site and other promotions would be altered soon to reflect a change.

"We're disappointed," he said of O'Keefe's arrest on felony charges. "He doesn't necessarily represent the Republican Party."

He's just an aspirational figure for the Party.

O'Keefe's replacement will be the late Roman Grant.

And I thought I was a workaholic

VATICAN CITY – Pope John Paul II whipped himself with a belt, even on vacation....

That's gotta hurt ... Peggy Noonan.

No Light Weight

If only James "Big Government" O'Keefe had written a letter to the editor under a fake name. Then perhaps his "Big" colleague Patterico would go after him!

Update: I stand corrected. Pattycakes did go after O'Keefe -- to kiss his ass. It's all about how "'they never really intended to tap any phones but were simply trying to show how easy it would be to do so.'”

Note to L.A. criminals: Suck up to Andrew Breitbart somehow before committing your felony. Pattycakes will BELIEEEEVVVEEEEEE in you!

It's Gonna Be Tough In There For A Playskool Pimp

Andy Breitbart's littlest pimp may become the Teabaggers' Mumia Abu-Jamal. Andy's deserting his most nortorious blogger like a john deserting a sinking pimp, while Hugh Hewitt tries to rehabilitate Andy like a motherf___er!. Objection! Leading the witness.

Run away, Andy, run away!

Andy's best defense so far is that Vanilla Iceberg Slim is only accused of attempted "interference with a phone system," and that the affidavit doesn't mention buggery. Maybe he was going to have sex with the telephone jack! Don't stop believin', Andy. Hold on to that feelin.'

Update: Andy will have to accept the Reagan Award on Vanilla Iceberg's behalf.

Law and Order: "Special" Prosecutor's Unit

Is there a bigger dumbfuck drawing breath than "Patterico," the very special prosecutor from the City and County of Los Angeles?

Answer: No.

Pattycakes has his briefs in a bunch because an Obama supporter sent the same letter to numerous editorial pages, using a local city as her address for each missive in order to increase the chance of publication. What does Paranoid Pat take away from this episode of little import?

The conclusion is simple: Ellie Light and Mark Spivey are liars. They pretend to be from multiple places to enhance their credibility. In fact, they are from one location — and they are trying to pretend they are individuals from all over America.

And Pattycakes is even simpler than his incorrect conclusion. The letter writer was pretending to be "from all over America." She was only claiming one residence to each paper, and didn't disclose to the papers that she was sending the letter to other papers. She wasn't pretending to be "individuals" -- plural -- from all over America.

Pattycakes also sniffs that the letter writer was engaged in "'astroturfing," which Patty describes as "phony 'grassroots' activity. The term refers to opinions that seem to be genuine — but, in reality, are directed by a Central Planner." Except that the letter writer was expressing her genuine opinion, and she wasn't directed by anyone. That's the opposite of astroturfing.

It's kind of sad that someone would make up addresses to get a letter printed in multiple newspapers. It's pathetic -- and highly amusing -- that a purported professional would spend so much time obssessing over a meaningless event and demonstrate his utter ignorance about the event at the same time.

(No link to Pattycakes.)