You Bitter You Bet

Pearls of wisdom from the Special Needs Blog:

Normal Americans ... Are telling me it was a "mean" speech.

LAME. This is a very weak candidate.

A Lot of People ... Are emailing me to say that they have made their first McCain donation tonight.

Instead of "I Have a Dream" ... I have a grievance.

When I lay my head to the pillow tonight, I will dream that John Kasich takes the stage with McCain tomorrow in Dayton. If that happens, you can close the books on the presidential race and start looking at whether the coattails will bring us one of the two houses.

(All quotes guaranteed accurate!)

We Have A Winner

And it's not John McCain.

I'm talking about the winner of the widely popular Roger Ailes Veepapalooza Veepstakes contest. Rumors have Johnny Rictus selecting Tim Polenta as his bland, mushy heartbeat away, although the candidate's official announcement will be made on 5-and-1/4 inch floppies sent out to supporters bulk mail rate.

Unless Johnny R. picks Joe Lieberman as his number two, the contest winner will be Mike Nilsen, who was the first to call Senator Joe Biden as Senator Obama's running mate. Once McCain's pick is confirmed, Mike can e-mail me to collect his prize (unless Lieberman's the one, in which case "John" is the winner).

Congratulations, Mike!

The Fates Conspire Against Me

I haven't caught much of the convention. On Tuesday, I had to work late. Tonight, the power goes out. While I'm in the shower. In a windowless bathroom. Took a towel rack down with me as I groped my way out. At least I didn't impale myself or crack my skull open. Or break a hip, like Bob Novak.

Tomorrow can only bring electrocution.

The only thing that might redeem this week is John McCain's vice president pick. If it's Muff or Holy Joe Lieberman, this could be the best week ever.

The McCain campaign keeps emphasizing that McCain was a prisoner in Vietnam, as proof of his qualification for the Presidency.

Well, so was Gary Glitter, and I'm not voting for him either.

Obama/Biden

A better ticket than McCain/Anyone.

VeePeePalooza

Bumped from 8/19/08. Time's running out. And there's an actual prize -- really! Not to mention the pride of out-prognosticating all of Matt Yglesias' commenters.

As the internet has backed up and is overflowing with half-assed theories about the Vice Presidential selections of the two presumptive nominees, we might as well have a go here.

The commenter here who correctly guesses the Obama and McCain V.P. selections will win a valuable prize. The prize hasn't been determined yet, but it definitely will be worth the effort of typing two names into the comments box. The contest will close when the first candidate officially announces his veep. In the case of a tie, the first commenter correctly identifying both buckets of warm spit will win. If no one names both veeps, the first to name the Democratic veep selection wins. If McCain wins, we all lose. Anyone who names Ralph Nader and/or Bob Barr's veeps will be disqualified and ridiculed. Only one entry per fake screenname. Open only to residents of countries where it won't cost me a lot to mail the prize. The candidates and their staffs are welcome to enter. No purchase necessary. For a free game piece, contact the Contest Administrator at eatme@ idontgiveashit.com.

USA! USA! USA!

Here's a Olympic story that will cause midget Mickey Kaus to soil his synthetic sweatsuit:

BEIJING --The American flag landed on the scorer’s table, launched by a family member with exceptional aim. Henry Cejudo grabbed it from his coach and draped it around his body. He stood there for the longest time, fighting back tears, the son of illegal immigrants wrapped in the Stars and Stripes.

After Cejudo had defeated Tomohiro Matsunaga of Japan to win the 121-pound freestyle wrestling final on Tuesday, and after his family members had celebrated so loudly for so long that security threatened to kick them out, officials hung a gold medal around his neck. He said he might never remove it.

"I might just sleep with this," Cejudo said. "It changed my life already."

Fitting, because his is a story about change -- for himself, for his family and maybe now for the USA Wrestling program, which trained the 21-year-old Cejudo to become the youngest gold medalist in United States wrestling history.

The gold medal, and his path to it, changed so many lives along the way.

Like his mother's life. Nelly Rico, who came to the United States from Mexico as an illegal immigrant, raised seven children by herself and left Los Angeles with them in the middle of the night to escape the career criminal who was the father Cejudo never really knew.
...

His right eye bruised and darkened, Cejudo talked of all the hours his mother had worked over the years, as a janitor and a construction worker, anything to put food on the table or to heat the house. He talked about all the times they moved, from Los Angeles to New Mexico to Phoenix to Colorado Springs, each time in search of a better life.

"I wish I could just give her the medal right now," Cejudo said.

Motherhood, hard honest work and the American flag -- everything that Kaus and VDare crowd hate. If only there was some way we could deport shiftless and non-contributing citizens -- like Kaus -- to Mexico in exchange for productive members of society. But I doubt Mexico would go for it.

Congratulations Henry!

In Memoriam: Stephanie Tubbs Jones

A courageous American has died:

EAST CLEVELAND, Ohio (AP) -- Democratic U.S. Rep. Stephanie Tubbs Jones, the first black woman to represent Ohio in Congress and a strong critic of the Iraq war, died Wednesday after a brain hemorrhage, a hospital spokeswoman said.

...

Tubbs Jones represented the heavily Democratic 11th District and chaired the ethics committee in the House. She was the first black woman to serve on the powerful Ways and Means Committee, where she opposed President Bush's tax cuts and his efforts to create personal accounts within Social Security.

Tubbs Jones was a firm supporter of Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton during the primaries until throwing her support behind Sen. Barack Obama in June. She was to have been a superdelegate at next week's Democratic National Convention in Denver.

The Clinton family released a statement saying they shared a friendship with Tubbs Jones that "deepened through every trial and challenge."

"Over the course of many years, with many ups and many downs, Stephanie was right by our side -- unwavering, indefatigable," the statement said. "It was that fighting spirit ... that allowed Stephanie to rise from modest beginnings, to succeed in public service, to become a one-woman force for progress in our country."

Obama called Tubbs Jones "an extraordinary American and an outstanding public servant."

"It wasn't enough for her just to break barriers in her own life. She was also determined to bring opportunity to all those who had been overlooked and left behind -- and in Stephanie, they had a fearless friend and unyielding advocate," Obama said in a statement.

...

Tubbs Jones was a passionate opponent of the Iraq war, voting in 2002 against authorizing the use of military force.

Just as the war was starting in March 2003, she was one of only 11 House members to oppose a resolution supporting U.S. troops in Iraq. She said she did so because the resolution connected Iraq to the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks and said Iraq poses a continued threat to the United States.

Breaking News

Beginning September 1, 2008, Roger Ailes, the blog, is moving to MySpace. I think you'll like what you see.

Details here and here.

Now If They Just Get Rid of The Prison Gangs and The Chris Hansen Pedophile Fun Time Hour

Seems like the entire left blogosphere is celebrating the news of Rachel Maddow's show on MSNBC. With one exception.

Meanwhile, Howie the Putz really wants you to know that Rachel is gay, and that she "may also be" the first open lesbian in prime time television news. I'm sure Don Imus is rolling over in his grave right now.

Apology: This post fails to make the distinction between Talk Left and its commenters. By linking to the comment section at Talk Left, and bypassing the post, I meant to highlight the non-celebratory comments of (many of) the commenters without implicating the blog's proprietor, Jeralyn Merritt, in those sentiments. Instead, with the inappropriate phrase "one exception," it reads as if I am slamming Talk Left and Ms. Merritt herself. My intention was as pure as the macadam on the Highway to Hell, but my words did not convey my intention. My sincere apologies to Ms. Merritt.

All Veepstakes, All The Time

The children in The Corner are soiling themselves over the impending choice of the man who will be President when a President McCain strokes out.

Sister Mary Kathyrn Unibrow writes:

Pro-Choice, Wrong Choice

David Limbaugh issues a warning.

Don't stand downwind of me would be a more helpful warning from Fredo.*

Responding to Rich Lowry's post on Tom Ridge as VeePee, the Runaway Bride of Christ also writes:

I've heard the same late today and I can't help but think

a) They couldn't possibly think that's a good idea. After all it's not "just" abortion. He's a liberal Democrat!

b) They are freaking us out so we give thanks when the time comes and it's a solid choice.

Besides writing, I'm praying.

No, you're hallucinating, just like you are here:

Obama's Veep

I'm increasingly nervous it will be Senator Casey. Some would interpret that as a new Democratic party. Pro-lifers shouldn't be such cheap dates.

For Ms. Lopez, life is a Hidden Picture puzzle, and all the hidden objects are fetuses.

Basic-cable filler queen Cokie Kudlow also rubs his gums in anticipation of a long-shot:

It is being widely reported that John McCain will announce his Veep pick on August 29, the day after the Dem Convention in Dayton, Ohio. My immediate thought is Rob Portman.

I was thinking Bob Ney, but I tend to be more reality-based than Cokie.

Finally, Jonah Goldberg is thinking about sex and not the number two slot (or maybe it's both), when he writes:

Newt "The Spatula" Gingrich

*"Fredo" appears courtesy of TBogg.

McCain Family Values

That Cindy McCain is one class act:

The Portalski family is accustomed to hearing Cindy McCain described as [Jim] Hensley's only child.

She's been described that way by news organizations from The New Yorker and The New York Times to Newsweek and ABC.

McCain herself routinely uses the phrase "only child," as she did on CNN last month. "I grew up with my dad," she said then. "I'm an only child. My father was a cowboy, and he really loved me very much, but I think he wanted a son occasionally.

...

Documents show Kathleen Anne Hensley was born to Jim and Mary Jeanne Hensley on Feb. 23, 1943. They had been married for six years when Kathleen was born.

...

"The fact that we don't exist," [Kathleen's son, Nicholas] says. "The fact that we've never been recognized, and then Cindy has to put such a fine point on it by saying something that's not true. Recently, again and again. It's just very, very hurtful."

Kathleen Portalski says she'd like an acknowledgment and an apology.

There's nothing like Republican family values. Your sister can't do anything for you; she's dead to you. The most charitable spin is that Cindy Lou Hoover just forgot about her sister due to all the blow she ingested in the 80s and 90s.

Like Rictus Johnny, Jim Hensley had a child, went to war and then dumped the mother of his child for a woman he hooked up with during his marriage. Unlike Rictus Johnny, Hensley's second wife apparently didn't finance her husband's political career and luxury-loafer lifestyle. Perhaps Meghan McCain will emulate her forbears and poach some creepy old married dude who returns to the States after tours of duty in Iraq, Iran and Georgia.

Do I Offend?

Slacker that I am, not only have I not been credentialed to cover the DonkeyCon in Denver, I haven't offended that fat fuck Bill Donohue enough:

Over 120 blogs have been credentialed as members of the media for the Democratic National Convention; those who have received credentials are allowed to cover the Convention at the Pepsi Center. While most of them offer legitimate commentary, some do not.

Catholic League president Bill Donohue is protesting two of the blogs:

“The list of credentialed blogs include radical sites like The Daily Kos. Worse are blogs that feature anti-Catholic and obscene material. The two most offensive are Bitch Ph.D. and Towleroad.

Wait a second. My commentary is as illegitimate as Bill Donahue's 10 bastard children. Surely Bill should call for a boycott of my site as well.

Let's see when offends Friar Fuck:

"On the home page of Bitch Ph.D. there is a picture of two children: one of them is shown flashing his middle finger. Today's lead post, which was written August 17, is called "Jesus Christ." It begins with, "I'm a really crappy Catholic who hasn't been to mass in ages because most parishes around here 'will' insist on being aggressively anti-abortion….' The writer then objects to some children's toys on the grounds that they are more offensive than desecrating the Eucharist. The toys are actually balloons that have been made to depict Jesus in various poses, including a crucified Christ; one of these images shows Jesus with a penis. Several who commented on this image made patently obscene comments.

That's pretty bad. Everyone knows Jesus didn't have a penis.

I guess Bill really is Christ-like.

"Towleroad describes itself as 'A Site with Homosexual Tendencies.' Accordingly, it shows men in jock straps and underwear. It also has a post on Pope Benedict XVI that takes him to task for wearing a cape with ermine. Some of those who commented on this described the pope in a vile and profane way.

If the DNC bars Towleroad, they must also ban every publication and televison network which shows men in their underwear. Including the Sears catalog.

I demand that Bill Donahue immediately renounce and denounce me, that he spew me out of his mouth, and that he cancel that subscription to Manhole I bought him four years ago.

p.s. to Bill: You're seeing a penises and jockstraps where none exist. The "penis" is a balloon loincloth, and swim trunks are not underwear or a jockstrap. You clearly need more time in Pastor Ted's Reparative Group Therapy Encounter Workshops.

The Chicago Way

The bullet-riddled, maggot-ridden corpse of Mary Matalin was found today, in a dumpster behind the Cubby Bear Lounge.

Metaphorically speaking, of course.

The Celluloid Water Closet

Via Jesse Taylor, we see that conservatives are venturing from their traditional territory of unfunny cartoons and unfunny columns and shitty weblogs into a new arena: unfunny, shitty movies. Coming in Rockotober 2008: An American Carol:

In a clip we saw, [George] Washington takes Malone [a caricature of Michael Moore, portrayed by a fat guy] to St. Paul's Cathedral to lecture him on freedom of religion and "freedom of speech, which you abuse." Malone is grossed out by dust in the priest's box, so the doors open onto the smoldering ruins of the World Trade Center. "This is the dust of 3000 innocent human beings!" bellows Washington. Malone whimpers that he's just making movies. Washington won't have it. "Is that what you plan to say on Judgment Day?"

"That scene," said [Myrna "Shecky"] Sokoloff, "is hard to put in a comedy. But we had to do it."

They had to.

It's funny because Michael Moore caused 9/11.

Actually, it's funny because George Washington put in his will that his slaves would be freed when his wife died.

No, wait. It's funny because it's Weekend At Bernie's times 3,000. With a fat guy.

Most Hollywood comedies are apolitical and not particularly funny. But it's hard to believe you could make a movie this craptacular without trying to make it so terrible.

Roger's Assignment Desk

The EMMESSEMMESSEMM has a lot of catching up to do, as regards stories they have conspired to conceal from the American public. So get off your asses, guys, and start reporting:

Assigned to The Wall Street Journal:

Bush, who said he quit drinking the morning after his 40th birthday, has started boozing amid the Katrina catastrophe.

Family sources have told how the 59-year-old president was caught by First Lady Laura downing a shot of booze at their family ranch in Crawford, Texas, when he learned of the hurricane disaster....

A Washington source said: "The sad fact is that he has been sneaking drinks for weeks now. Laura may have only just caught him — but the word is his drinking has been going on for a while in the capital. He's been in a pressure cooker for months."

Assigned to the New York Post:

While highbrow newspapers such as The New York Times have concentrated on Condoleezza Rice's efforts to secure peace [sic], the tabloid National Enquirer chose to speculate on her sexuality.

In an article entitled "Who's Gay and Who's Not" the paper reports that it is "an open secret" that Ms Rice is a lesbian.

It quotes a blog report that she was out when she worked source at [sic] provost of Stanford University in California.

Assigned to the EIB Network:

The story of a Florida police investigation into Limbaugh's alleged history of purchasing a lot of pain killers, including OxyContin, Lorcet and hydrocodone, from a black market drug ring was first published in the National Enquirer. According to the Enquirer, Limbaugh's former housekeeper Wilma Cline helped deliver illegal pain killers to him for over four years.

Assigned to The Washington Times:

Inside the frightening world of fanatical "brainwashing" sect Moon sect

Or you could, you know, report on the Bush Adminstration's lies about WMD in Iraq, 9/11, illegal eavesdropping, torture, illegal political firings at the Justice Department and other topics that don't involve one-(right) handed typing.

Never Gonna Let It Go

K-Lo is like a dog with a bone:

Former Altar Boy Tim [Kathryn Jean Lopez]

A priest friend points out that Tim Pawlenty is a fallen away Catholic and wonders if that's a liability. I actually don't think it makes a difference to Catholics, even if they're sorry to hear he's left the fold. I assume evangelicals would welcome a convert running. But that assumes social-conservative evangelicals are kinder to religious converts than they were to a Mormon political convert.

Imagine waking up on Saturday morning and feeling the overwhelming need to express the foregoing sentiment to everyone before anything else.

And it's not even a coherent whine. A large segment of the Repug fundies went for O.K. Huckabee, who is one of their own. Why should the Bible-humpers show kindness to a styrofoam head who changed his politics simply for the sake of his career, and to bamboozle dimwits like Lopez? And there are plenty of other reasons to hate Mitt, whether from a fundie perspective or a rational one.

It's Confirmed

John Edwards has had sex with at least two more human beings than Mickey Kaus.

It's a shame, of course, but it would be a far greater shame if we got a third Bush term. Sometimes you have to take one for the team. Sometimes it's not about you. It seems we can't have FDRs and MLKs and JFKs any more, although we're still allowed RWRs and RWGs and JSMs. (And even RJDs.) So go do something useful, Senator. Your message is true, but people won't be hearing your message for a while.

John McCain Is The New Amway

How much fun is this?

Participate in the First McCain National Event Day by hosting an event at your home on Thursday, August 14th! By registering to host a house party, you will:

Receive a free Host Kit that includes bumper stickers, sign-in sheets, voter registration information, and a suggested agenda

Listen in on a Conference Call led by a McCain Campaign VIP

Receive John McCain's Courageous Service DVD

Receive a Letter from John McCain

Learn more about how to register voters, make calls, and knock on doors in support of John McCain

Have a group discussion about the campaign with guests and report ideas back to the campaign.

Act quickly, before the foreclosure is completed.

Which Character From English Literature Is MoldDough, Or, Stewed and Stupidity

If DNA extracted from the fictive corpses of Uriah Heep and Miss Havisham was used to genetically engineer a putative human being, she'd write like this:

If Obama is Mr. Darcy, with "his pride, his abominable pride," then America is Elizabeth Bennet, spirited, playful, democratic, financially strained, and caught up in certain prejudices. (McCain must be cast as Wickham, the rival for Elizabeth's affections, the engaging military scamp who casts false aspersions on Darcy's character.)