Roger's Holiday Gift Guide 2011: Video Game Edition

I don't play video games, so don't ask me. My advice is: If you want to give someone a videogame as a holiday gift, ask his or her parents what game he or she might like.

9-9-9 In Action

The fact that Herman Cain spent 13 years trying to "help someone financially" and failed to do so should tell you everything you need to know about the Cain Presidency. "The economy just might turn around beginning about five years after my second term."

Morning Joe has a strict policy on douchebaggery: Show, don't tell.

Coming Attractions

This is the innaugural year for the Roger Ailes Gift Guide, the perfect resource for those of you with too much money and too few brains. First up, a $1,500.00 food processor.

I'm thankful I will be nowhere near a shopping mall tomorrow.

Shorter Oly Olafson

Herman, I'm The One That You Want

Shorter David French: Every day businesses which have no obligation to do so give the price of a loaded 2012 Mercedes-Benz to an unqualified employee who falsely accuses their CEO of harassment. Why, if I said that Rich Lowry grabbed my junk, I'd be driving that swanky new Kia Sorrento off the lot in a matter of days.

Things are getting tough out there for Ann Coulter's Black. At least one National Review Online blogger is calling for Cain to go to work for FOX News full time:

First you blame Perry. Then you blame the media. Then you’re done talking about it. Then you hold a press conference and blame Democrats and the media. And now you’re just making stuff up. Time to exit, Mr. Cain.

Dude, those are his qualifications.

Brothers From A Koched-Up Mother

Zeppo, Gaucho, Wacko and Dildo.

Breaking: Must Credit Moron

A Washington Examiner exclusive:

Document produced by government showing a government employee received a lawful payment demonstrates that the employee didn't disclose the payment to the government.

Better wingnut morons, please.

The Cain Scrutiny

Because Herb Cain puns are fast approaching their sell-by date.

Shorter Republican Party

Over at the Cain-Gingrich "Lincoln-Douglas Stylee" debate, Newt Gingrich was waxing poetic about the glories of capitalism with an analogy about the Quarter Pounder with Cheese: "If you open up the bag, and there's no Quarter Pounder with Cheese in there, you're going to be unhappy." Herb Cain, sensing an opportunity, asked Newt, "Do you know what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in France?" Newt responded by playing the experience card, stating that only one of the candidates on stage had successfully committed adultery.

We Are the 1 Percent

Todd Remis demands satisfaction:

In November 2003, Mr. Remis, an equity research analyst, and his fiancée, Milena Grzibovska, stepped into the H & H studio, which was then in Riverdale, met with Mr. Fried and signed a contract to have photographs and videotape taken of their wedding the next month — on Dec. 28 — for $4,100.

It was a small party, with fewer than 40 guests, at Castle on the Hudson in Tarrytown. Photographs show a cheerful bride and groom surrounded by delighted relatives, including Ms. Grzibovska’s mother, Irina, and her sister Alina, who traveled from Latvia.

But a month after the wedding, when Mr. Remis returned to the studio to look over the proofs, he complained that the three-person crew had missed the last 15 minutes — the last dance and the bouquet toss. He noted in a deposition last July that the employees at H & H did not respond in a courtly fashion.

“I remember being yelled at more than I have ever been yelled at before,” Mr. Remis said.

In his lawsuit {filed in 2009], he also complained that the photographs were “unacceptable as to color, lighting, poses, positioning” and that a video, which he had expected to record the wedding’s six hours, was only two hours long.
“I need to have the wedding recreated exactly as it was so that the remaining 15 percent of the wedding that was not shot can be shot,” he testified. (Emphasis added.)

Despite his evident numeracy and analytical skills, Todd hasn't worked since 2008. His wife bailed in 2009. Another victim of the Bush recession.

Shorter Wesley Pruden, Jnr.

Back in the day when there were serious newspapers, the papers wouldn't report a woman's allegations of sexual harassment until my Daddy's friends had killed the harasser.

Pricks Or It Didn't Happen

Herb Cain and his "campaign" have turned their umbrage guns from racist lyncher Rick Perry to G.O.P. house organ PoliticHo:

A Herman Cain aide said Thursday that the Cain campaign is considering its legal options over the original Politico story, which revealed that the former head of the National Restaurant Association was accused of sexually harassing at least two women during his tenure in the 1990s.

"This is likely not over with Politico from a legal perspective," a campaign official told the Post, stopping short of explaining what exactly he meant by taking legal action against the publication.

Meanwhile, the Washington Post stopped short of explaining what exactly stopped it from asking a follow-up question when fed a line of bullshit.

Shorter Dennis Prager

The women callers to my show are maladjusted head cases.