The Long Con

The Alaskan Travelers continue to play the tabloids like a delusional masseuse:

In an emotional phone interview with PEOPLE, Palin spoke through tears about feeling heartbroken, humiliated and trapped – while Johnston acted cool. "There's been no remorse," she says, adding that she's seen him only once in the past three weeks.

"The final straw was him flying to Hollywood for what he told me was to see some hunting show but come to find out it was that music video mocking my family," she says. "He's just obsessed with the limelight and I got played."

"That music video"? How many are there? I just hope that they gave the starring roles to Eddie Izzard and Minnie Driver.

In response to this shocking development, the Queen of the Grifters flips off Phyllis Schlafly while humping Ronnie Reagan's shoe:

"I wish for Bristol to be able to move forward in life with her same forgiving, gracious, optimistic spirit, but from henceforth she'll know to trust but verify. Bristol is strong, she is independent, and she knows what is right for her son."

"From henceforth." You can't make this up.

Singe Along With Mitch

Mitch Miller, American patriot, passes at age 99.

Years later, in 1993, when David Koresh and members of his Branch Davidian cult were holed up in their compound in Waco, Tex., F.B.I. agents tried to flush them out by blasting “Sing Along With Mitch” Christmas carols.

It's heartwarming to think that the last thing the Libertarian Messiah heard before he died in the gasoline fire he set was a medley of "Tavern in the Town/Show Me the Way to Go Home." Or perhaps "Bell Bottom Trousers/Be Kind to Your Web-Footed Friends."

Shorter Wan Juilliams

Martin Luther King Holiday Causes Unnecessary Pain and Suffering to Klansmen