Roger Ailes
The War On Christmas Begins Here


Monday, July 06, 2009  

Bloody Idiot

Value of roll of toilet paper > Value of Cornell law degree

posted by Roger | | 10:19 AM


Sunday, July 05, 2009  

Doolally

How does George Will keep his job with the Washington Post Writers Group?

*rimshot*

The usually accurate Bob Somerby appears to have confused Elizabeth "Lally" Weymouth nee Graham with Katharine "$25 K" Weymouth.

That would make Katharine her own mother, which, while it would explain how she got her current position, is scientifically impossible.

posted by Roger | | 7:26 PM
 

Bore On The Fourth Of July

How dead is the Teabag Movement? Even a bought-and-paid-for hack like Roger el-Simon can't get it up for Bagism any more:

The Tea Party Movement has some promise, but it too looks backwards. Madison, Adams and Hamilton were clearly great men, but where are their modern equivalents? Surely we don't want to rely entirely on ideas honed in the Eighteenth Century, laudatory as many of them are. It’s good to be reminded of them, but it's also good to have a plan. I haven't heard one yet, just a lot of no - no to taxes, no to spending, no to socialized medicine. That's all fine as far as it goes, but it's not exactly inspiring.

That leaves inbred law perfesser Glenn Reynolds as the last man holding the teabag.

But disillusionment at his manufactured movement is just a part of Rog el's greater funk, which appears to have started at around the same time sales figures for Blackfisting Myself were released. Roger is really, really, really bummed, and it's all because America won't put out for him, no matter how much he begs:

Don't get me wrong - I love my country. And maybe it's because I love it so much that I am so depressed. Yes, I know it's always darkest before the dawn and all that. And I want to "look at the bright side," as my grandmother always advised. Still, these are dark times and it's hard to pretend otherwise.

I'm guessing Roger's Gran wasn't living in a mini-mansion off royalties and wingnut welfare. And that she was a lot more pleasant to be around than her fatuous mope of a grandson.

Fortunately, Rog has a solution to his malaise, one he lifted from the title of the shittiest Woody Allen film that Rog didn't write:

No, my suggestion is even more radical. We should junk the liberal and conservative orthodoxies that have divided - and blinded - us for so long and go back not to Eighteenth Century America, but Nineteenth, to the days of that most American of philosophies - pragmatism. "The pragmatists rejected all forms of absolutism and insisted that all principles be regarded as working hypotheses that must bear fruit in lived experience." Now there's a thought that might brighten even grumpy me on the Fourth of July.

That's the kind of philosophy we might expect from a man who believes that no one can tell he's bald if he never takes off his hat.

posted by Roger | | 10:04 AM
 

Who could have guessed that the Katharine Weymouth Escort Agency would have failed so spectacularly?

The idea worked so well for George and Lally.

posted by Roger | | 6:59 AM
 

Thank You

A sincere thank you to my guest bloggers, Anthony Cartouche and Tom Hilton.

A big round of applause for Anthony and Tom, give it up, everybody.

posted by Roger | | 6:46 AM


Friday, July 03, 2009  

I Quit

I had hoped that when Roger Ailes allowed me to post here as a guest during his vacation, I would be able to use this platform for the good of all Roger Ailes readers.

But instead I had to defend myself from one ridiculous charge after another: that I was using the Ailes coffers to keep myself in Cotton Club ginger ale and Little Debbie Snack Cakes; that I was a fan of Nickelback and Creed; that I broke the Hepplewhite chair at the Ailes compound; even that I was having an affair with this woman. Of course, none of these allegations are true. Those Nickelback CDs were left at my house by my nephew. Roger told me I could help myself to the contents of the Ailes refigerator and snack cupboard. That chair was broken when I got here. And there isn't enough Zinfandel in the world for that last thing to happen.

Every one of those allegations, and the many others like them, were false and were proven to be so. But it took a lot of time and money to defend myself, and frankly it's just not worth it any more.

And so I am stepping down as guest blogger here at Roger Ailes. I guess the easy thing to do would be to keep posting until Roger comes back, which should be any day now. But nah, only dead fish go with the flow. The right thing to do when you're faced with adversity is to move forward by quitting, not quit by moving ahead.

Let me go back to a comfortable analogy for me: sports . . . baseball. I use it because you're naïve if you don't see what's going on here: the Cleveland Indians are having a crappy season. They're 18 games under .500. Sure, the players could decide to try harder and to keep their focus on having a better second half of the season. But the better course of action is for them to give up right now and to keep playing the half-assed kind of baseball that Indians fans have become accustomed to. Or better yet, to just give up altogther. They can do more for baseball outside of the league than they can inside it!

And we will be in the capable hands of fellow guest blogger Tom Hilton. Hell, he even updates his own blog, which is more than I can say for myself.

I conclude with the words of Homer J. Simpson: I tried my best, and I failed miserably. The lesson is: never try.

Thank you, and God bless this blog, and God bless the United States of America.

posted by Unknown | | 5:47 PM


Wednesday, July 01, 2009  

A Thousand Clowns on Broadway

No, it's not a revival of Herb Gardner's play. It's Roy Edroso's estimate of how many wingnuts showed up for another teabagging session in New York today. What a gathering that must have been, huh?

OK, so maybe there were 1,500 wingnuts in the crowd. That may sound like a lot, but I bet at least that many people showed up to welcome the new junior senator from Minnesota.

posted by Unknown | | 7:58 PM
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