Sunday, July 12, 2009

Could someone send that shit, Steyn, a copy of Christopher Buckley's latest tome? I'm fairly sure he hasn't read it, or at least thinks that you haven't.

The Red Queen's Tea Party

There is no use trying, said Alice; one can't believe impossible things. I dare say you haven't had much practice, said the Queen. When I was your age, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland"

With Sharia Plain's recent bipartisan-curious bashing of the Republican Party, the only conclusion is that Sharia is planning to install herself as the leader of the Teabagging Movement. The plot is synergy at its finest. Palin and 'Baggers share the same delusions about the federal gub'mint, the same hatred of (their fantasy version) of the EMESSEM, the same contempt for literacy and science and truth, and the same vision of their own accomplishments and virtues which is entirely at odds with reality.

If Sharia becomes the Strom Thurmond slash George Wallace slash Ross Perot of the teabag crowd, her coronation will mark the death of the Republican Party, as a madhouse divided against itself cannot stand. But let's not give credit where credit isn't due -- George W. Bush is the man who killed the G.O.P., with the assistance of Dead-Eye Dick; Palin is simply firing a few rounds into the corpse for the amusement of the crowd.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

BoBo Brooks' Feel-A-Meal

Reliable sources say that BoBo Brooks' senatorial molestation experience took place during Brooks' 2001 odyessy to find a meal costing over twenty dollars in Franklin County, Pennsylvania.

Which means Brooks' Red State dinner date was either Arlen Specter or Rick Santorum.

I know who I've got my money on.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Ann Althouse, who's more of a tit man, is fuming that President Obama wouldn't look at her ass if they showed Star Trek on it in IMAX.

(via Pandagon)

Department of Repetitive Redundancy

Marty "The Wedding Singer" Peretz writes:

"Christian Believers Would Be Excluded From Government If The Left Liberals Had Their Way"

If they weren't believers, they wouldn't be Christians. And if they weren't liberals, they wouldn't be on the left.

And how exactly did Barack Obama, who identifies himself as a Christian, become President without the the support of "The Left Liberals?" By the unanimous vote of The Right Conservatives?

But Marty's headline isn't the worst piece in his monument to crap. Neither Spinnin' Marty nor the NYT article to which he links identifies a single Left Liberal who would exclude the subject of the post, Dr. Francis Collins, from government service because of his religious affiliation or beliefs. The article says that "some in the field [presumably, other geneticists]" express "unease" about Collins' evangelism. It doesn't say that those unnamed persons are Left Liberals (as opposed to Right-Wing Jews or Moderate Jehovah's Witnesses or Apolitical Atheists or Mind-Your-Own-Damn-Business Canadians).

Peretz himself offers no evidence for his repetitive thesis. He just pulls it out of his rectal posterior ass.

"New York Times Considers $5 Monthly Web-Access Fee"

Following the Pajamas TV business model. Now there's a savvy plan.

How's that working out again?

Perhaps the Times can get Ross Douthat to do handstands while reciting poems saluting non-sexually active women.

Photo courtesy of High School Musical 23: The Drunken Reunion Hook-Up

Dear Michael and Sharon Ensign:

This blog is looking for underwriters. Surely you've got better things to spend your money on than that foursome. And Nore Losercoleman and Macaca George. E-mail me.

Yours,

Roger

Darkness at Nooners

Pegaloon is asking for a beatdown by the FOX/Tea Party/Steyn/V.D. Hansen-Van Sustern wings of the Republican Party:

"She makes the party look stupid, a party of the easily manipulated."

As a wise woman once said, "Only one person can make you look stupid."

Peggy also opines:

She hurts, as they say, the Republican brand, with her mess and her rhetorical jabberwocky and her careless causing of division. Really, she is the most careless sower of discord since George W. Bush, who fractured the party and the movement that made him.

Rocket man burning out his fuse up here alone. (Although whoever wrote that subhead for Peggers was surely prescient.)

Thursday, July 09, 2009

Republican Family Values: Quid Pro Ho Edition

Just the other day, I said: Hey, Mom and Dad, could you give $96,000.00 to some woman I screwed, and her family? In unmarked bills?

Unfortunately, my parents stopped doing my laundry when I moved out. Not so for Johnny Ensign's parents:

Sen. John Ensign's attorney acknowledged Thursday that the Nevada Republican's parents paid nearly $100,000 to the family of his mistress around the time she and her husband left his staff in April 2008.

In a statement from Paul Coggins, Ensign's attorney, said that the senator gave Doug Hampton, Cindy Hampton and their two children gifts worth $96,000 and that "each gift was limited to $12,000." [Which was it, the Senator or his parents? Get better writers, Politic-ho -- RA]

"The payments were made as gifts, accepted as gifts and complied with tax rules governing gifts," Coggins said.

Coggins said that after Ensign told his parents about his affair with Cindy Hampton -who was an then a campaign aide - the senator's parents "decided to make the gifts out of concern for the well-being of long-time family friends during a difficult time.

"The gifts are consistent with a pattern of generosity by the Ensign family to the Hamptons and others."

That last statement was a huge mistake, Coggsy. Someone is going to demand proof.

"Doctor" Helen Attacks Second Amendment Heroine

"Doctor" Helen Smith ponders the death of Steve McNair:

What will happen if the evidence finds that this woman killed the victim? Probably nothing. "Experts," politicians, and activists will continue to say we need to focus exclusively on domestic violence against women...and people will applaud. Does anyone see the irony here?

Why, yes, I believe I do.

The murderess gets off scot free simply because she's a woman. If she was a man, she's get jail time and a lethal injection while sitting in the electric chair! How long must men put up with such discrimination! You're brilliant, "Dr." H!

Apart from the obvious idiocy of Helen Headcase's call from something to be done, the quack fails to identify anyone who thinks domestic violence (or any type of violence) is, or should be, illegal only when the victim is a woman. The "doctor" also fails to explain how any action could be taken to prevent an event such as McNair's shooting when there was no history of violence between the persons involved.

Since "Dr." Helen thinks men are the true victims of domestic abuse, the solution is obvious. Disarm all women to give men a level playing field. By force, if necessary.

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

These Are The Jokes, Folks

Some tool named Tevi Troy (another moron from Cornell, and a wingnut welfare queen to boot), demonstrates his mastery of humor:

Harry Reid's press conference yesterday revealed some interesting things. The first thing is that he apparently doesn't think much of Al Franken's humor:

REID: Senator Franken gave me a few jokes he thought I should share with you, but I didn't like them, so I'm not going to do it.

Since senators love few things more than to get laughs from reporters, I would love to see the rejected Franken jokes and see if they were rejected because they were unfunny, tasteless, or both.

He's absolutely right. Tevi should demand to see the gags, and should refuse to do anything else until the Majority Leader hands them over and offers a full explanation for his refusal to recite them. If Senator Reid denies their existence, Tevi should blow the lid off this vast conspiracy and bring the Senate down around the Leader's ears.

Wotta maroon!

Monday, July 06, 2009

Bloody Idiot

Value of roll of toilet paper > Value of Cornell law degree

Sunday, July 05, 2009

Doolally

How does George Will keep his job with the Washington Post Writers Group?

*rimshot*

The usually accurate Bob Somerby appears to have confused Elizabeth "Lally" Weymouth nee Graham with Katharine "$25 K" Weymouth.

That would make Katharine her own mother, which, while it would explain how she got her current position, is scientifically impossible.

Bore On The Fourth Of July

How dead is the Teabag Movement? Even a bought-and-paid-for hack like Roger el-Simon can't get it up for Bagism any more:

The Tea Party Movement has some promise, but it too looks backwards. Madison, Adams and Hamilton were clearly great men, but where are their modern equivalents? Surely we don't want to rely entirely on ideas honed in the Eighteenth Century, laudatory as many of them are. It’s good to be reminded of them, but it's also good to have a plan. I haven't heard one yet, just a lot of no - no to taxes, no to spending, no to socialized medicine. That's all fine as far as it goes, but it's not exactly inspiring.

That leaves inbred law perfesser Glenn Reynolds as the last man holding the teabag.

But disillusionment at his manufactured movement is just a part of Rog el's greater funk, which appears to have started at around the same time sales figures for Blackfisting Myself were released. Roger is really, really, really bummed, and it's all because America won't put out for him, no matter how much he begs:

Don't get me wrong - I love my country. And maybe it's because I love it so much that I am so depressed. Yes, I know it's always darkest before the dawn and all that. And I want to "look at the bright side," as my grandmother always advised. Still, these are dark times and it's hard to pretend otherwise.

I'm guessing Roger's Gran wasn't living in a mini-mansion off royalties and wingnut welfare. And that she was a lot more pleasant to be around than her fatuous mope of a grandson.

Fortunately, Rog has a solution to his malaise, one he lifted from the title of the shittiest Woody Allen film that Rog didn't write:

No, my suggestion is even more radical. We should junk the liberal and conservative orthodoxies that have divided - and blinded - us for so long and go back not to Eighteenth Century America, but Nineteenth, to the days of that most American of philosophies - pragmatism. "The pragmatists rejected all forms of absolutism and insisted that all principles be regarded as working hypotheses that must bear fruit in lived experience." Now there's a thought that might brighten even grumpy me on the Fourth of July.

That's the kind of philosophy we might expect from a man who believes that no one can tell he's bald if he never takes off his hat.

Who could have guessed that the Katharine Weymouth Escort Agency would have failed so spectacularly?

The idea worked so well for George and Lally.

Thank You

A sincere thank you to my guest bloggers, Anthony Cartouche and Tom Hilton.

A big round of applause for Anthony and Tom, give it up, everybody.

Friday, July 03, 2009

I Quit

I had hoped that when Roger Ailes allowed me to post here as a guest during his vacation, I would be able to use this platform for the good of all Roger Ailes readers.

But instead I had to defend myself from one ridiculous charge after another: that I was using the Ailes coffers to keep myself in Cotton Club ginger ale and Little Debbie Snack Cakes; that I was a fan of Nickelback and Creed; that I broke the Hepplewhite chair at the Ailes compound; even that I was having an affair with this woman. Of course, none of these allegations are true. Those Nickelback CDs were left at my house by my nephew. Roger told me I could help myself to the contents of the Ailes refigerator and snack cupboard. That chair was broken when I got here. And there isn't enough Zinfandel in the world for that last thing to happen.

Every one of those allegations, and the many others like them, were false and were proven to be so. But it took a lot of time and money to defend myself, and frankly it's just not worth it any more.

And so I am stepping down as guest blogger here at Roger Ailes. I guess the easy thing to do would be to keep posting until Roger comes back, which should be any day now. But nah, only dead fish go with the flow. The right thing to do when you're faced with adversity is to move forward by quitting, not quit by moving ahead.

Let me go back to a comfortable analogy for me: sports . . . baseball. I use it because you're naïve if you don't see what's going on here: the Cleveland Indians are having a crappy season. They're 18 games under .500. Sure, the players could decide to try harder and to keep their focus on having a better second half of the season. But the better course of action is for them to give up right now and to keep playing the half-assed kind of baseball that Indians fans have become accustomed to. Or better yet, to just give up altogther. They can do more for baseball outside of the league than they can inside it!

And we will be in the capable hands of fellow guest blogger Tom Hilton. Hell, he even updates his own blog, which is more than I can say for myself.

I conclude with the words of Homer J. Simpson: I tried my best, and I failed miserably. The lesson is: never try.

Thank you, and God bless this blog, and God bless the United States of America.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

A Thousand Clowns on Broadway

No, it's not a revival of Herb Gardner's play. It's Roy Edroso's estimate of how many wingnuts showed up for another teabagging session in New York today. What a gathering that must have been, huh?

OK, so maybe there were 1,500 wingnuts in the crowd. That may sound like a lot, but I bet at least that many people showed up to welcome the new junior senator from Minnesota.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

There's No Dissonance Like Cognitive Dissonance

The Chronicle today has a great front-page article on Modoc County:
Modoc has the highest Republican registration of any county in California, it unfailingly elects anti-tax Republicans to office, and the vote here against last month's ballot measure that would have raised a variety of taxes was one of the most lopsided in the state. And yet, per capita, Modoc County gets more state taxpayer dollars than all but one of California's 58 counties....

"I don't think voters in the conservative counties understand the connection between the service they are receiving and the votes their representatives are making," Evans said. "Maybe the layers of government are so convoluted that many people don't realize how it works."

In Modoc, the way it works is that if the cuts being proposed go through, near-catastrophe will reign, said County Administrative Officer Mark Charlton.

He said the entire road maintenance service would be closed except for snowplowing on a few main roads, the welfare-to-work CalWORKS program would be cut in half, many mental health patients would no longer be monitored and would relapse and wind up behind bars, and there would be fewer police patrols.
It's easy to laugh at Modoc, but the attitude is pervasive in California. Way too many people (and 34% is all it takes) believe in the Anti-Tax Fairy, who delivers all the essential services without anyone ever having to pay.

Taxes, of course, just go to limousines for legislators. Cut taxes 100%, and everybody's fine.

But the punchline comes from a Republican rancher quoted in the article:
And if the Capitol does indeed slash Modoc County's money for road maintenance, health services and welfare job training - which will happen, if Sacramento's Republicans get their way - McGarva and Hodge have the same plan.

"Well, we'll just get by the way we did in the Great Depression - on our own," McGarva said.
Yes, that's right: the New Deal was a triumph of individualistic anti-government self-reliance.

And there are simply too many notes, that's all. Just cut a few and it will be perfect.

BigHo contributor Bob Gale has a constitutional amendment that will fix everything:
No law, bill, resolution or any act of Congress shall exceed 2000 words, including all footnotes, amendments and signatures. Congress shall not vote on any item longer than that. Each item requiring a vote shall be read aloud in its entirety in session to a majority of members. Those not in attendance may not vote on the item.
For reference, that's 11,114 fewer words than are in the Civil Rights Act of 1964.

Gale's screenwriting credits include more video games than movies. Apparently he thinks Congress should be writing for the same attention span.

Update: in comments, SupraDave suggests a 140-character limit: "no votes on anything that cannot be twitted, or tweeted or whatever the Republicans and Iranians are calling it these days."

Monday, June 29, 2009

Remedial Math for Wingnuts

Lesson 1: 5 to 4 is not 7 to 2.

Lesson 2: 5 to 4 is also not 9 to 0.

Mission Accomplished

Imagine that you are working for the 2009 Aspen Ideas Festival, and that you have been tasked with assigning seats to the opening night banquet for all the festival's speakers and presenters. Your boss, a malevolent man, tells you to put together a table he refers to as Fuckwit Nation, to be comprised of the six stupidest and most useless participants in attendance.

You scan the list of presenters and speakers, and the first four denizens of Fuckwit Nation pop out all at once, as their surnames all begin with the letter P: Mark Penn. Dana Perino. Tim Pawlenty. Dennis Prager. Who would deny any of these people a seat at the table?

You continue to check the list. Aha! you say. How did I miss this guy before? And you assign David Gregory to the table.

Just one more name, you tell yourself. I just need one more dullard, one more total know-nothing, to put at this table. You pick up the list again. Your eye catches a name you'd mentally blocked out before. You smile as you assign the last name to the table. Fuckwit Nation is now complete.

Your work is done
.

To Turn You On

I'm pretty sure Roger has never embedded YouTube videos in his blog. But he did say that we guest posters could fiddle about, so I'm going to do it anyway, because I think this kicks a fair amount of ass, and I'm betting you might think so too.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Notes On Camp

From Rabun County, Georgia—ironically, not far from the Appalachian Trail—comes this story of yet another Republican who has trouble keeping his pants on:
A former mayor found sitting naked and holding a beer at a Rabun County campsite told police he wasn’t the same naked man seen walking around earlier.

Mark Musselwhite, 43, said he was hot and had been in the creek, according to a Georgia Department of Natural Resources incident report. He apparently didn’t think he was doing anything wrong.

Musselwhite, of Gainesville, was arrested last weekend after being confronted by state DNR authorities. He was charged with public indecency.

. . .

Musselwhite, a Republican, was elected to the City Council in 2000. He served on the council for six years, including as mayor of the town. In 2006, he lost a bid for a state Senate seat.

Musselwhite previously served as deacon of First Baptist Church in Gainesville.
While pondering the image of this pale naked person, feel free to come up with your own riff on "Musselwhite." But let's not be so quick to judge this hot and thirsty man. For all we know, the former deacon was getting ready to perform a baptismal ceremony.

One which, for some reason, involves full nudity on behalf of the baptizer, and open cans of Natty Light.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Just Curious

Wasn't there something going on in Iran a while back? Whatever it was, I guess it's over now.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

He's Out of His Life

Since Roger, our host, is currently visting his new girlfriend in Argentina—Kate, I think he said her name was, Kate Gosling or something like that—it has fallen on me to inform the readers of this blog that Michael Jackson is dead.

Despite his wealth and talent, or perhaps because of it, it can't be denied that during the last 25 years of his life, Jackson was nuttier than a Mr. Goodbar. But it also can't be denied that the man created a lot of first-rate pop music, from the classic Jackson Five hits of the early 1970s through the endless string of singles from the "Thriller" album. He was an exciting, gifted singer and dancer, and he brought a lot of pleasure to hundreds of millions of people all over the world.

May in death he find the peace that largely had eluded him in recent years.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Ai, ai, ai, ai
É o canto do pregoneiro
Que com sua harmonia
Traz alegria
In South American Way
Ai, ai, ai, ai
E o que traz no seu tabuleiro
Vende pra ioiô
Vende pra iaiá
In South American Way
E vende vatapá
E vende caruru
E vende munguzá
E vende umbu
No tabuleiro tem de tudo que convém
Mas só lhe falta, ai, ai berenguendéns
Ai, ai, ai, ai
É o canto do pregoneiro
Que com sua harmonia
Traz alegria
In South American Way
Ai, ai, ai, ai
Have you ever schtupped in the tropics?
With that evasive hayseed
Like, wingnut kind of crazy
South Carolianian Way
Ai, ai, ai, ai
Have you ever dissed the stimulus
While getting Argentine trim-ulous
(In that) anti-gay notorious
South Carolinian Way?

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Having A Wonderful Time, Wish You Were Here

I'm taking a week's vacation beginning on Thursday and my plan was simply to let the blog lay dormant and see if anyone would notice. In light of Governor Sanford's trip on the Hillbilly Treasure Trail (which starts at the airport men's room in Plumber's Crack, Georgia, it seems), or whatever it was, I thought I should give notice, lest someone panic and call the National Guard.

I haven't solicited guest-bloggers but, if you've previously guest-blogged, you can still sign in and fiddle about. And I might be able to hook up anyone else who e-mails by noon tomorrow at the fastmail.fm e-mail address.

What's in it for you? That special feeling you get when you help someone less fortunate, or get your dope through customs without detection.

Strong evidence that the Holder Justice Department is serious about prosecuting white-collar crime.

Nixon on Obama

Speaking into William Safire's sphincter from somewhere in Hell, Richard Nixon offers his opinion of President Obama:

Nixon worried that greater access to abortions would foster "permissiveness," and said that "it breaks the family." But he also saw a need for abortion in some cases, such as interracial pregnancies.

"There are times when an abortion is necessary. I know that. When you have a black and a white," he told an aide, before adding: "Or a rape."

Tricky Dick also gives a posthumous shout-out to Ben Stein:

At another point he said, "It may be they have a death wish. You know that's been the problem with our Jewish friends for centuries."

Dick is still the true voice of the Republican Party.

We Can Be Heroes

Nicholas Kristof blogs:

And for Ling and Lee, if by some chance this blog post reaches you, courage! We are with you in spirit, and some day this will end. Then you'll be back with your loved ones, celebrating, like David Rohde. You will come home!

Unless, like Daniel Pearl, you don't.

I am certain, Nick, that if Ms. Ling and Ms. Lee get internet access in their North Korean prison, the first thing they'll do is search your blog for words of comfort and inspiration.

Nick, if by some chance you're Googling yourself and this blog post reaches you, go fuck yourself!

Found

Governor Sanford has been located. He went to Tijuana for the weekend with Grady and Rollo, and they were detained until Aunt Esther arrived with the bail money.

Or maybe this.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Maureen Dowd (1919-2009), Plagiarist Who Brought Shame To Once-Great Newspaper

Here's an excerpt from Ms. Dowd's obituary, published in today's Times:

"It's like he's got one of those Fly Terminator targeting systems in his eyes," marveled Jon Stewart.

Maybe the president who collected Spider-Man comics as a kid couldn’t resist the age-old face-off with a fly.

The moment had echoes of parables in which the ordinary one becomes the golden one.

In "The Karate Kid," a teenager whose father has died learns lessons about the body and spirit from his surrogate father and karate teacher, Mr. Miyagi. His lessons are about not going to the dark side, the importance of discipline, and catching flies. "Man who catch fly with chopstick," Mr. Miyagi says, "accomplish anything."

In the Grimms’ fairy tale, "The Brave Little Tailor," a tailor brandishing a rag kills seven flies swarming around his jam-smeared bread. The little man admires his own bravery so much — "For joy his heart wagged like a lamb's tail" — that he wants the whole world to know of it. So he stitches up a belt for himself embroidered with the legend "Seven at one blow!" and saunters out.

Protected by his legend, using brains rather than brawn, he dispatches two giants and captures a unicorn and a wild boar before winning a princess and living happily ever after as a king.

The president didn't order up a "One at one blow!" belt. You don't need such accessories in the era of YouTube viral videos. But he did admire his own ninja moves so much that he gave himself a shout-out: "That was pretty impressive, wasn't it? I got the sucker." Then he solicited more snaps for what Harwood called his "'Make my day' moment" from his press secretary off camera: "Whaddya think, Gibbs?" After the interview was over, he continued his superfly moves by cleaning up the carcass with a napkin.

The moment may have resonated so much because some Americans fear that President Obama is too prone to negotiation, comity and splitting the difference, that he could have been tougher on avaricious banks and vicious Iranian dictators.

The "shocking murder in the White House," as Stephen Colbert dubbed it, was a small moment. "All they want is to be loved and to feed on our waste," Jeff "The Fly" Goldblum said in a dry defense of the exoskeletal creatures on the Colbert Report.

Mr. Goldblum's quip will serve equally a fitting eulogy for Ms. Dowd and her ordure oeuvre.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

A long overdue addition to the blogroll: The Hunting of the Snark.

You should definitely read it while waiting for the pathetic output from the blog you're currently reading.

Friday, June 19, 2009

John and Cynthia Plus An Illiterate

Doug Hampton reveals the right-wing cabal who threatened his family's lives:

The unethical behavior and immoral choice of Senator Ensign has been confronted by me and others on a number of occasions over this past year. In fact one of the confrontations took place in February 2008 at his home in Washington DC (sic) with a group of his peers. One of the attendee’s (sic) was Senator Tom Coburn from Oklahoma as well as several other men who are close to the Senator. Senator Ensign's conduct and relentless pursuit of my wife led to our dismissal in April of 2008. I would like to say he stopped his heinous conduct and pursuit upon our leaving, but that was not the case and his actions did not subside until August of 2008.

The actions of Senator Ensign have ruined our lives and careers and left my family in shambles. We have lost significant income, suffered indescribable pain and emotional suffering. We find ourselves today with an overwhelming loss of relationships, career opportunities and hope for recovery. Our pursuit of justice continues to place me and my family in harm’s way as we fear for our well being (sic).

It's heartbreaking to see someone mourn the loss of the gravy train with such sincere emotion. If my math is correct, Dougie and Cyn collected from the Senator for at least two months after the Coburn confrontation, and their kid collected a check for five months, all before Ensign's actions subsided.

Given all the grammatical errors (not all of which the Sun caught), the following statement by Doug should shock no one:

I have great respect and affection for Fox News and many of your collages (sic).

Signed, "Glenn Beck's No. 1 Fan (And Shepard Smith Can Blow Me)."

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Hampton Inn and Out

Are the Hamptons pushing back on John Ensign's extortion claims?
In Las Vegas on Wednesday, lawyer Daniel Albregts issued a statement that said "Doug and Cindy Hampton can confirm that they are the individuals referenced by Senator Ensign during his press conference."

"It is unfortunate the senator chose to air this very personal matter, especially after the Hamptons did everything possible to keep this matter private," the lawyer said. "It is equally unfortunate that he did so without concern for the effect such an announcement would have on the Hampton family. In time the Hamptons will be ready and willing to tell their side of the story." (Emphasis added)

Of course, Albregts' statement also contradicts Ensign's fallback fable that Doug was just threatening to go on Cheaters with some grainy night-vision footage of the Silver Fox in action. Either way, it seems Ensign's failed coverup is worse than his non-crime.

I'm just glad the story doesn't involve a Democrat. If it had, the police would be recovering Mickey Kaus's body in very David Carradinean circumstances.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Ensign Pulverized

John Ensign's dirty little secret keeps getting dirtier. While he was screwing around with mom and paying dad more than $100K per annum, Ensign also found a job for Hampton Jnr.:

The 19-year-old son of a woman who reportedly had an affair with Nevada Sen. John Ensign was being paid by the National Republican Senatorial Committee during the relationship, federal election records show.

Brandon Hampton, who shares an address with former Ensign staffers Doug and Cynthia Hampton, was paid $5,400 between March 2008 and August 2008.

The payments, for "research policy consulting," ended the same month as the affair, which was said to begin in December 2007.

If there's anyone whose research and policy skills the NRSC needs, it's that of a teenager whose mom has questionable taste in congressmen.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Republican Family Values: The Moisture Seekers Edition

Really, how hard can it be to identify John Ensign's staffer/lover? Mickey Kaus would have already sussed this one out with both hands tied inside his pants, but for the fact that Ensign's a Republican.

The NYT reports:

An aide said the consensual affair took place between December 2007 and August 2008, and that the woman worked for both Mr. Ensign's campaign operation, Ensign for Senate, as well as a conservative political action committee, Battleborn PAC, from December 2006 to May 2008. Mr. Ensign is honorary chairman of the PAC. The woman's husband was a member of Mr. Ensign's official Senate staff. Neither has worked for the senator since May 2008, the aide said.

Mr. Ensign, 51, is married and has three children. During college at Colorado State University, he became a born-again Christian and he and his wife, Darlene, were active in the Promise Seekers, an evangelical group.

Mrs. Ensign stands by her man:

Mr. Ensign's wife also issued a statement, reaffirming her commitment to her husband: "Since we found out last year we have worked through the situation and we have come to a reconciliation. This has been difficult on both families. With the help of our family and close friends our marriage has become stronger. I love my husband."

I'd say John "found out" more than a year ago, but maybe he's a little slow about such things.

Hearing reports that blackmail is involved, Michael Steele hopes to blame the affair on President Obama.

Update (6/17): Ensign was allegedly summering in the Hamptons. Since Ensign has reportedly charged Mr. Hampton with the crime of extortion, this should be interesting.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Crippen

A remarkable story of an American railroaded by the British courts and his possible vindication:

The case of one of the most notorious murderers in British history, Hawley Crippen, is to be referred to the Court of Appeal, where the infamous doctor may secure a posthumous pardon 99 years after he was hanged.

The Criminal Cases Review Commission has been secretly examining the safety of Dr Crippen's conviction and officials believe that senior judges should now decide whether he is innocent of the murder of his wife in 1910. Cases are referred to the appeal court if the commission feels there is a "real possibility" that the conviction will be ruled unsafe and quashed. At the centre of the case is DNA evidence that may establish the innocence of the American-born Crippen.

Lawyer Giovanni Di Stefano and leading QC James Lewis, acting for Patrick Crippen, a relative of the doctor, said they were told last Friday that the case would be referred to the court in a development that may make Crippen the victim of the longest miscarriage of justice in British history rather than a name that is a byword for murder most foul. Crippen was hanged and buried in the grounds of Pentonville prison after a jury found him guilty.

According to prosecutors at his Old Bailey trial in 1910, the homeopathic practitioner poisoned his unfaithful wife, Cora, dissected her body and buried the remains in the cellar of their north London home. Police found a corpse with no head, bones or genitals. Preparations are already under way to begin the exhumation of Crippen's body at Pentonville. Descendants of Crippen said yesterday that they were "90%" certain that the body would be ferried back to Michigan in the US, where the Crippens have a family burial plot. Lawyers claim that such a development might also reveal the contents of a series of letters apparently buried in his coffin and which purportedly reveal the "truth" behind the body in the cellar.

...

The chief justice, Lord Alverstone, directed the Old Bailey jury in 1910 with concerns over the gender of the corpse by saying: "Of course, if it was a man ... the defendant is entitled to walk out of that dock."

Lewis, whose prosecution cases include ex-Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet, has agreed to represent Crippen in court. Crippen's place in criminal history is cemented by the fact that he booked a passage on a ship to Canada taking his mistress, Ethel Le Neve, disguised as his teenage son. The pair were recognised by the liner's captain, who famously used the new Marconi telegraph system to alert Scotland Yard.

A compelling case against the death penalty, if the evidence is accurate.

Update: But apparently not breaking news.