72 Hour Psych Hold

The only possible legitimate outcome from this incident:

"Secret Service agents came after [Bill] O'Reilly pushed Nicholson and the agents flanked O'Reil[l]y."

Actually, it would be a better story if ended after the fifth word, but I'll take what I can get.

(Via Atrios.)

Isn't There's A Chipmunk Movie That Needs Reviewing, Mikey?

Michael "Call Me Massa" Medved doesn't know Jack, and we're not talking his old Toward Tradition pal, Abramoff. Witness his witless analysis of the Iowa GOP non-caucus:

Predictably enough, most media commentators have totally misinterpreted the nature of Mike Huckabee's big win in the Iowa GOP caucuses. Conventional wisdom says that he swept to victory based on overwhelming support from Evangelicals, but conventional wisdom is flat-out wrong. According to the exit polls used by major news networks, a majority of voters who described themselves as "evangelical" or "born again" Christians actually voted against Huckabee -- with 54% splitting their support among Romney, McCain, Thompson and Ron Paul. Yes, Huckabee's 46% of Evangelicals was a strong showing, but it was directly comparable to his commanding 40% of women, or 40% of all voters under the age of 30, or 41% of those earning less than $30,000 a year. His powerful appeal to females, the young and the poor make him a different kind of Republican, who connects with voting blocs the GOP needs to win back. He's hardly the one-dimensional religious candidate of media caricature.

Predictably enough, Mikey is wrong about virtually everything.

First, Mikey doesn't explain how Huckabee's strong showing among GOP women, youth and poor involved "connecting with voting blocs the GOP needs to win back" or makes him "a different kind of Republican." His argument might be worth considering if he had statistics showing some significant amount of Huck's supporters were Dems or non-affiliated voters who crossed party lines (or affiliated themselves with the GOP) to vote Huck, but he doesn't. Mikey might as well be arguing that a Republican victory is guaranteed in November because 100 percent of women, youngsters and the poor who voted in the Iowa GOP poll voted for a Republican.

Mikey also challenges the "[c]onventional wisdom [which] says that he [the Huckster] swept to victory based on overwhelming support from Evangelicals," based on the fact that the Huckster got 46 percent of the Evangelical vote but also 40 percent of the female and youth vote and 41 percent of "the poor vote." But the Evangelical vote for the Huckster was 12 percentage points more than the Huckster's overall vote (34 percent), while the other blocs were only 6-7 percentage points above than overall votes. (Those 12 percentage points are more than the percentage difference between the Huckster and Muff Romney (34 to 25 percent).) More significantly, Mikey doesn't appear to understand that the categories of women, youth and the poor overlap significantly with Evangelicals (and with themselves), rather than being entirely independent categories. The numbers cited by Mikey would be significant only if, say, Huck did significantly less well among young fundies or poor fundies than he did among all fundies.) Anyway you slice it, the Huckster owes the significant margin of his victory to the fundie faction.

Mikey also goes on to undermine his premise by noting that only 14 percent of "non-Evangelicals" (who he claims were 40 percent of GOP voters) voted for the Huckster. Which is to say that Huckabee would be circling the drain with Giuliani and Ro Paul in the Hawkeye State if not for his fundie followers. But chucklehead Mikey relies on this fact as proof of anti-fundie bias among non-fundies:

The evidence is pretty clear, isn't it? The preferences of Evangelicals mirrored those of Iowans in general. But the preferences of the "non Evangelical" group were distorted by their religious beliefs (or non-beliefs) and led them (as the same prejudices leads angry members of the conservative establishment) to blast, resent and dismiss the Huck.

In Mikey's mind, a vote for anyone other than the Huckster can mean only one thing -- religious bigotry against fundies. And in that same mind, 46 percent "mirrors" 34 percent. If I was Yale, I'd want my degree back.

Of course, the way Mikey characterizes "conventional wisdom" is dishonest in the first instance. Mikey doesn't cite anyone who claimed that the Huckster got an "overwhelming" percentage of the Evangelical vote. He's really just arguing against a straw Colmes. But there's no disputing that the Huckster owes his Iowa victory to self-identified fundies.

From Joek Lein:

"(And message to Scarborough: As harmless as it seems to get up and play music with a candidate, it's something you just don't do if you're trying to be a journalist.)"

Huckmentum!

The real losers tonight are Huckleberry Fred Thompson, who has to continue on to New Hampshire instead of going home to eat stewed prunes in front his Matlock reruns, and Willard "Muff" Romney, who flushed away more of his own cash in Iowa than I'll earn in a lifetime.

And of course, the Republican Party, which is the captive of the fundamentalists it loathes and enables. Listen to the squeals of pain from National Review's Corner (no link) in the wake of a victory by an anti-abortion, death-penalty loving, creationist Bible-humper:

I wouldn't put aside the Constitution or anything just yet (or ever).... It's a First Principles kinda moment. What do conservatives believe? How much do we want to fight for those principles? Who will represent them?

...

It would be truer to say that for a proportion of Huck's followers there is no aisle: he's their kind of Christian, and all the rest - foreign policy, health care, mass transit, whatever - is details. This is identity politics of a type you don't often see on the Republican side.

...

A Romney circler emphasizes to me in the virtual spin room: "Huckabee is a pro-life Jimmy Carter – he will be rejected by econ and natl security conservatives. He would be the death knell of the social conservatives as players within the party – hopefully enough will come to their senses."

...

Peter is right that we'll all have to start being more respectful of Huck after tonight, but, before that dread hour arrives, let me say there is something slightly jaw-dropping about a two-party system that presents voters with a choice between Mike Huckabee and (if early numbers hold up) John Edwards.

...

Anti-Huck people are freaking. Deep breaths. As Bill Bennett just pointed out on CNN, evangelicals aren't necessarily a voting block, as much as Pastor Huckabee has tried to suggest (and prays?) they are in his identity-politicking. Just ask Mark DeMoss.

...

For example, I'm not saying I'd rather lose with X,Y, or Z than win with Huckabee. But I don't reject the proposition outright that I might come around to that way of thinking, if I were convinced that his governing philosophy is as bad as I sometimes fear it is.

It's like the five stages of death -- denial, anger, bargaining, depression and the absence of brain activity for all eternity -- among the establishment Republicans who, until now, pretended to love their snake-handling cousins.

For Insomniacs Only

With all the late night shows returning to television absent resolution of the Writers' Guild strike, I was glad to see one show hold out and refuse to air new episodes. I speak, of course, of Sex Talk. Kudos to Bridgetta, Frank and Dr. Daniel Stein for their show of solidarity with that certain part of the union body.

Presidential Dumbfucks for $200

Various self-proclaimed foreign policy experts from the Bowels of Wingnuttia are opining that a party's Presidential frontrunner who is not familiar with the political leaders of Pakistan is not qualified to be President.

I couldn't agree more:

"Can you name the general who is in charge of Pakistan?" asked Hiller, inquiring about Gen. Pervaiz Musharraf, who took over last month in a military coup.

"Wait, wait, is this 50 questions?" replied Bush.

Hiller replied: "No, it's four questions of four leaders in four hot spots."

Bush said: "The new Pakistani general, he's just been elected – not elected, this guy took over office. It appears this guy is going to bring stability to the country and I think that's good news for the subcontinent."

Hiller persisted, saying "Can you name him?"

Bush said: "General. I can name the general. General."

If only those dumbfucks had applied the same standard eight years ago -- well, they'd still be colossal dumbfucks. But America and the world would be better places.

Oh to be Des Moines, Now That January's There

If this blog generated any income and I was otherwise unemployed, I almost certainly would be covering the Iowa caucuses this week. Seeing the bleak early winter landscape of the Corn Belt on C-SPAN the past few days didn't make me nostalgic for black ice and the flu, and I certainly don't have any unique observations about the campaigns. I'd be more interested in observing the media medflies who have just infested the state's capital and set up shop through Friday. These pests with expense accounts (Joe Klein, Roger "Noel" Simon, Candy Crowley, Kat Seelye &c.) have set up camp in the luxury suites of Des Moines' high rise hotels, and will occupy the hotel lobbies and bars while trading conventional wisdom acceptable to their munificent corporate overlords. Witness, for example, Joek Lein's recent posts, "John Edwards Is A Threat To The American Way of Life, As Proven By These Two Iowans I Cherry-Picked To Regurgitate My Thesis" and "Mike Huckabee Can't Be Trusted To Lower My Taxes Enough." (Meanwhile, FOX News is already calibrating the mike levels necessary to create the Edwards Effeminate Ejaculation.)

Based on past observation of these gas passers, it's a safe bet their reporting will involve waiting for a driver to ferry them to their next cable teevee appearance and chatting up David Axlerod or Ed Rollins over in the next make-up chair. I already know who I'd vote for if I was an Iowan. And given the undue attention given to John Edwards' haircuts, Hillary Clinton's clapping and Fred Thompson's existence, I'd rather investigate how much Wolf Blitzer drinks, whether the Renaissance Savery burns Chris Matthews' sheets and how much Carl Cameron pays for a handjob.

P.S. Hey, how 'bout them polls?

(Date and time corrected)

And The 2007 John Lott Men Of The Year Award Goes To....

CHAPARRAL, N.M. (AP) -- Getting a tattoo can be a painful proposition, but usually it's just the needle you have to worry about. Two men trying to trace a loaded .357-caliber Magnum as a pattern for a tattoo accidentally shot themselves, the Otero County Sheriff's Department said Monday.

Robert Glasser and Joey Acosta, both 22, were treated at a hospital in El Paso, Texas, after the shooting Thursday evening in nearby Chaparral.

Authorities said Glasser was struck in the hand when the gun accidentally went off, and Acosta was hit in the left arm. Their injuries were not life-threatening, authorities said.

I'm only surprised they missed the testicles.

The 2007 Roger Ailes Year In Review Quiz

Another year over, and one day closer to death, or something like that. But you can waste a little of the little time you've got left remembering the events of the previous twelve months that I somehow managed to remember as well.

Please use a number two pencil and show your work. There is no time limit, but I'll try to post the answers next Sunday.

From all of me at Roger Ailes, thank you for reading. I'll see you next year.

Part I -- Dr. Phil In The Blank

(One point for correctly completing the quote, one bonus point for identifying the speaker)

1. "I began when I was 15 or so and I have hunted those kinds of _________ since then. More than two times."

2. "_________, I want more iced tea."

3. "Rudy Giuliani, there's only three things he mentions in a sentence - a noun and a verb and _________ and I mean, there's nothing else."

4. "Well, Mandela's _________."

5. "I have neither the _________ nor _________ _________ to figure out who's right."

6. "I'm not 100 percent sure that Tim was the guy on which to test drive this authority, but know that getting him appointed was important to Harriet, _________, etc."

7. "Positioned them, I don't know. I don't know at the time. I'm a fairly _________ guy."

8. "In Iran, we don't have _________, like in your country."

9. "I was under the impression that that was a picture of a tiny little _________, and I thought it was you."

10. "Don't __________ _________, __________!"

Part II -- Who Said It?

(One point for each correct answer)

Note: All quotes are from 2007 newsmakers, but the quotes are not all from 2007.

1. "No raise money, no get bonus."

2. "We have a gun in one of our homes. It's not owned by me,it's owned by my son, but I've always considered it sort of mine."

3. "A wife is to submit herself graciously to the servant leadership of her husband even as the church willingly submits to the headship of Christ."

4. "Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly? Because her father is Janet Reno."

5. "Brazil is a country, very eclectic in nature, you cannot look at anybody and say they are Brazilian. You have no idea."

6. "Given the inefficiencies of what D.C. laughingly calls the 'criminal justice system,' I think we can safely assume that 95 percentof the black males in that city are semi-criminal or entirely criminal."

7. "I built that border fence in San Diego."

8. "Thank God George W. Bush is our President."

9. "Hitler and his supporters were Satanists and homosexuals. That's just a true statement."

10. "I wanted to be sure that the White House was fully aware of what was to be disclosed so that it could take appropriate action."

11. "I'm in the private sector and for the first time in my life I'm earning money. You know that's sort of part of the Jewish tradition and I do not find anything wrong with that."

Bonus quote about a 2007 newsmaker (1 point extra credit): "Oh, shit! That kid? He's dumb as hell."

Part III -- Grand Old Police Blotter: The Year in Republicrime

(One point for each correct answer)

Match the wingnut with the criminal charges/conviction against him or her. Some of the distinctions are fine ones, but there is only one correct answer for each malefactor.

As always, the fact that a Republican isn't on this list only means he or she hasn't been caught yet. (Yes, that means you, Abu Gonzales.)

1. Bob Allen

2. I. Lewis Libby

3. George Ryan

4. Thomas Ravenel

5. Conrad Black

6. Larry Craig

7. David H. Brooks

8. Michael Flory

9. Jeff Neilsen

10. Brent Wilkes

11. Italia Federici

12. J. Stephen Griles

13. Bernard Kerik

14. Glenn Murphy, Jnr.

15. Kyle "Dusty" Foggo

-o-0-o-

a. committing lewd acts on minors

b. money laundering, bribery, wire fraud

c. perjury, obstruction of justice, lying to the FBI

d. solicitation of undercover police officer for prostitution

e. fraud, conspiracy, money laundering

f. conspiracy to possess cocaine, intent to distribute cocaine

g. insider trading, fraud and tax evasion

h. obstruction of justice/Senate investigation

i. disorderly conduct

j. felony sexual battery

k. conspiracy, tax fraud, making false statements to White House

l. fraud, obstruction of justice

m. racketeering conspiracy, mail fraud, lying to the FBI, obstructing the Internal Revenue Service and filing false tax returns

n. criminal deviate conduct

o. tax evasion, obstruction of justice

Part IV -- The Year In Right-Wing Sex

(One point for each correct answer)

Match the far right family man -- or Mickey Kaus -- with the object of his erection affection.

Allegedly.

1. Reverend Gary Aldridge

2. Senator David Vitter

3. Representative Richard Curtis

4. Reverend Ted Haggard

5. Blogger John Hinderaker

6. Senator Larry Craig

7. Billionaire publisher Richard Mellon Scaife

8. State Senator Bob Allen

9. Blogger Mickey Kaus

10. Deputy Secretary of State Randall L. Tobias

-o-0-o-

a. Scary black men

b. Paid (female) escorts

c. Airport restrooms

d. Depends (on who you ask)

e. Meth, male prostitutes

f. Two wetsuits, rubberized male underwear, scuba diver's mask

g. He likes to watch

h. Corndogs

i. Adultery at Doug's Motel, $28 for three hours

j. Sex in pornographic bookstores while wearing red stockings and black sequined lingerie

Part V - Multiple Guess

(One point for each correct answer)

1. According to Dana Milbank of the Washington Post, disgraced former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales stated "I don't recall" or a variation thereof how many times when testilying before the Senate Judiciary Committee in April 2007 regarding corrupt firings by the Justice Department?

a. 17
b. 34
c. 54
d. 64
e. I don't remember

2. Vice President Al Gore won win which award in 2007:

a. The Nobel Peace Prize
b. The Academy Award
c. The Grammy
d. The Emmy
e. (a) and (d)
f. All of the above

3. The convicted criminal who served the most jail time in 2007 was:

a. Conrad Black
b. Paris Hilton
c. Kiefer Sutherland
d. "Scooter" Libby
e. Nicole Richie

4. Which of the following is not a quote from Liberal Fascism: I Heart Hitler, by Jonah Goldberg:

a. "The Jew is the white male of liberal fascism."
b. "The Nazis took food very, very seriously."
c. "Scott Lively and Kevin Abrams write in The Pink Swastika that 'the National Socialist revolution and the Nazi party were animated and dominated by militaristic homosexuals, pederasts, pornographers, and sadomasochists.'
d. "[Fascism] takes responsibility for all aspects of life, including our health and well-being, and seeks to impose uniformity of thought and action, whether by force or through regulation and social pressure."
e. "For at some point, it is necessary to throw down the gauntlet, to draw a line in the sand, to set a boundary, to cry at long last, 'Enough is enough.'"

5. Which of the following did George W. Bush not say in 2007:

a. "I want to thank General Alberto Gonzales for his dedication and service to the White House, and to me, and, most of all, to his party."
b. "I think that the Vice President is a person reflecting a half-glass-full mentality."
c. "As yesterday's positive report card shows, childrens do learn when standards are high and results are measured."
d. "I would suggest moving back. I'm about to crank this sucker up."

6. Washington Post media reporter Howard Kurtz cited a blog with only one post as a "typical blog reaction" concerning which presidential candidate national politician, in order to call that candidate politician a bitch? (Note: As pointed out by the Ghost of Joe Liebling's Dog, in comments, Howie's target was Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. My post on this subject was the closest I came to "breaking" a story this year, and I can't even get it right. A free point for everyone, and 25 points for TGOJLD.)

a. Barack Obama
b. Hillary Clinton
c. Rudolph Giuliani
d. Fred Thompson
e. Ron Paul
f. Mike Gravel

7. Roger Ailes, the blogger, was linked to which public figure by the tabloids in 2007?

a. Rihanna
b. Nicolas Sarkozy
c. Kylie Minogue
d. Drew Peterson
e. Judith Nathan
f. None of the above.

8. Which of the following did Chris Matthews say in 2007?

a. Can you smell the English leather on [Fred Thompson], the Aqua Velva, the sort of mature man's shaving cream, or whatever, you know, after he shaved?
b. "[Willard Romney] looks like a million bucks. Everything is perfect. Everything about him is perfect...."
c. "John McCain, who goes his own way and is very much the maverick, as we know."
d. "[Hillary Clinton]'s usually standing in front of the camera, and she's clapping, like she's Chinese."
e. "Could you get a little closer to the camera? .... No, you're beautiful. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. You're a knockout."
f. All of the above.

9. Who said the following: "When I see the worsening degeneracy in our politicians, our media, our educators, and our intelligentsia, I can't help wondering if the day may yet come when the only thing that can save this country is a military coup."

a. John Derbyshire
b. Thomas Sowell
c. General David Petraeus
d. Pat Buchanan
e. Jonah Goldberg
f. Travis Bickle

10. According to conservative estimates, the cost of the Invasion of Iraq is:

a. More than 3,900 American soldiers killed
b. More than 28,000 American soldiers wounded
c. More than 80,000 Iraqi civilians killed
d. More than 474 billion dollars for American prosecution of the invasion
e. "A small price," according to Representative John Bohner (R-OH)
f. All of the above