Mourning Wood

In support of Michelle Malkin's latest crusade to rehabilitate the Confederacy, I suggest we circulate a petition in Malkin's honor seeking to have Leonard Wood's birthday (October 9) declared a national holiday.

After all, Wood heroically eliminated more Islamojihadofascists than any other American. What's not to love?

Grand Old Police Blotter: The Foggo Whore Edition

From the Wall Street Journal:

The agency also has been drawn into a federal investigation of bribery that has sent former Rep. Randall "Duke" Cunningham to prison. Just this past week, the CIA confirmed that its third-ranking official, a hand-picked appointee of Mr. Goss, had attended poker games at a hospitality suite set up by a defense contractor implicated in the bribing of former Rep. Cunningham. Friday, people with knowledge of the continuing Cunningham inquiry said the CIA official, Kyle "Dusty" Foggo, is under federal criminal investigation in connection with awarding agency contracts.

...

Mr. Foggo has been a close friend since junior high school with Poway, Calif., defense contractor Brent R. Wilkes. The criminal investigation centers on whether Mr. Foggo used his postings at the CIA to improperly steer contracts to Mr. Wilkes's companies.

Mr. Wilkes earlier this year was implicated in the charges filed against Mr. Cunningham, as an unindicted co-conspirator who allegedly had paid about $630,000 in bribes to Mr. Cunningham for help in obtaining federal contracts.

No charges have been filed against Mr. Wilkes, although federal prosecutors in San Diego are working to build a case against him, as well as Mr. Foggo, people with knowledge of the investigation said.

The FBI and federal prosecutors also are investigating evidence that Mr. Wilkes had given gifts to Mr. Foggo and paid for various services for him while Mr. Foggo was in a position to help him gain particular CIA contracts.

CIA spokesman Paul Gimigliano said Mr. Foggo "denies any improper gifts from Brent Wilkes."

The proper gifts from Brent Wilkes were just fabulous, however.

And how proper "those services" were.

The Party of Death

John Derbyshite pulls his thumb out of his Ann Coulter doll long enough to type this:

Speaking of Books ...

Would anyone care to open a book on any of the following:?

-- Appearance of the first FREE MOUSSAOUI! placards, T-shirst, baseball caps, etc.

-- Moussaoui's first lawsuit.

-- Moussaoui's first book contract.

"T-shirst." That's a real sidesplitter, you four-eyed racist git. I wonder where you came up with that idea?

Party of death indeed.

Roger's News Break

A weeping Patrick Kennedy (D-U.I.) announced this afternoon that he was seeking treatment for addiction. In a brief statement to reporters, Kennedy said, "My God, I'm no better than Rush Limbaugh, except that I didn't buy my pills illegally, from my maid. Does anyone have Roy Black's number? No? How about Nan Talese's?"

In response, former U.S. Representative Bill Janklow (R-SD) and First Lady Laura Bush issued a joint press release condemning reckless driving.

In other news, Dick Morris celebrated in anticipation of increased face time as the Fox News Channel's Senior Prostitution Analyst.

This Roger News Break was brought to you by Atree, the maker of Aleve.

Leaving To Do More Time With Duke Cunningham

Shouldn't someone with a five year plan stick around for more than a year?

CIA Director Porter Goss resigned unexpectedly Friday, leaving behind a spy agency still battling to recover from the scars of intelligence failures before America's worst terrorist attack and faulty information that formed the U.S. rationale for invading Iraq.

It was the latest move in a second-term shake-up of President Bush's team.

Making the announcement from the Oval Office, Bush called Goss' tenure one of transition.

"He has led ably," Bush said, Goss at his side. "He has a five-year plan to increase the analysts and operatives."

Bush also announced that Goss will be replaced by the Target security guard who caught Claude Allen shoplifting.

The Opposite of Cyber Sex

The New York Times has an article taking the piss out of Midget Mick and his hardcore video chat site. (The first hint is in the title.)

The author, Ginia Bellafante, caught Kaus and a cohort exchanging video views on the topic Ann Coulter: Hot or Nuts? Kaus took the Nut's side of the debate:

As it turned out, Mr. Kaus was reluctant to demonize Ms. Coulter, rejecting Mr. Wright's claim that any anatomization of her thinking would logically conclude that she was either (1) "dishonest" or (2) "stupid." Instead Mr. Kaus offered the counter-theory that she was a more or less sensible person whose zealotry often drove her to exaggerate.

Yes, a sensible untruthful zealot. Sounds familiar.

After noting that Mr. Kaus had been seen in Ms. Coulter's company, [Robert Wright] went on to intimate that maybe, possibly, Mr. Kaus thought she was pretty, that perhaps he had a crush.

Getting bored, the author decides to slap Kaus's head around a bit:

One of the many pleasures of bloggingheads.tv is watching two skilled rhetoricians who rarely let loose the clamps on their assiduously framed arguments. Were Mr. Wright and Mr. Kaus ever to conduct a debate about shampoo -- Prell, say, versus Herbal Essence -- they would apply the same legalistic reasoning they bring to discussions about Karl Rove or China.

In Kaus's case, it's also as theoretical a debate as one about sex.

But she doesn't stop there.

As it happens, some bloggers you want to see and some you don't. This is not to suggest that some look like George Clooney, while others have faces meant, well, for blogging.

But she'll suggest it anyway.

Mr. Wright is a liberal; Mr. Kaus a liberal undone by all that's wrong with contemporary liberalism.

Undone, unhinged, unlovely and uninteresting.

[Kaus] surmised that if we accepted the claim that homosexuality was genetically determined, why then couldn't we imagine that there might be a gene activating an aversion to homosexuality?

Sure. And another one to explain the universal aversion to Kaus.

Mr. Wright and Mr. Kaus talk to each other from their home offices, and to Mr. Kaus I would say: Your bookcase looks like it's about to fall over, and I am worried.

Huh? Clearly the bookcase is too far away to do ... Oh.

Never mind.

(Thanks to a reader for the link.)

More On B.S.

Bob Somerby continues on his detour from "speaking truth to power" (the Millionaire Pundit Class) in order to speak truth to the e-mail correspondents and commenters of progressive blogs. This time, Somerby joins in battle a commenter at Eschaton who suspected Richard Cohen of laughing at Don Imus's '96 address to the Radio and Television Correspondents' Dinner. Somerby accesses Lexis/Nexis and retrieves a "real time" column in which Cohen labeled as "boorish behavior" Imus's insinuations of infidelity in the presence of President and Mrs. Clinton. (Although, from the excerpt quoted by Somerby, it seems Cohen's prime beef against Imus was the latter's references to fornication, urination and menstruation on a radio program accessible by the children.)

I'm in complete agreement with Somerby that Cohen didn't find Imus's performance funny. But I'd venture a guess that the real reason for Cohen's displeasure was this particular quip:

"By the way, and this is really awful, if you're Peter Jennings and you're telling more Americans than anyone else what's going on in the world, shouldn't you at least have had a clue that your wife was over at Richard Cohen's house? (laughter, groans, boos) She wasn't at my house!"

Oh, and more than four months after the dinner isn't a "real time" response; it's a "hopefully, with the passage of time, most people will have forgotten that adultery crack about me and therefore no one will repeat it" response.

Far be it from me to tell anyone how to run his website, but sober reflection might help Bob to recognize that blog comments aren't biggest threat to civilization at this moment, and reassess his priorities accordingly.

Shorter Dick Cohen

"Do I know jokes? Hell, I am one."

Shorter Peggy Noonan

"Fuck John Paul the Great and the horse he rode in on."

My Suggestion, The Steely Daniels, Was Surprisingly Rejected

In a bit of a wacky cross-promotion (!) a minor league arena football franchise is renaming its team after a Biblical character who banged a Philistine hottie, got shaved by said hottie, lost all his strength and then killed himself. Fun for the entire family.

BIRMINGHAM, Ala. - For the first time in sports history, a professional franchise will wear Bible-themed jerseys during a game. On Friday, May 5th, the Birmingham Steeldogs arena football team, which plays in the arenafootball2 league (www.af2.com), will don jerseys with the name of Bible hero "SAMSON" embroidered on the front as they take on the Louisville Fire at the Birmingham-Jefferson Convention Complex. Specific Bible chapter and verse references will be created by combining the names and numerals on the backs of each player.

The jerseys have been produced to replicate the Steeldogs regular game jerseys. "Samson" replaces "Steeldogs" across the chest, in reference to the Old Testament hero renowned for his incredible strength. On the back of the jerseys, instead of having the player's last name, it will be replaced by a book of the Bible. The number on the jersey will correspond to a chapter and verse of that particular book.

For example, Steeldogs quarterback Ryan Hawk wears jersey number 12. On May 5, he'll still wear number 12, but the name on his back will change from "HAWK" to "JAMES", referencing the book of James, Chapter 1 Verse 2. The Bible-themed Steeldogs jerseys are the latest creations of Christian Throwback Jersey Company (www.christianthrowbackjerseys. com) of Birmingham.

The idea to wear the Christian jerseys during the game and auction them off with proceeds going to local non-profit ministries developed through a collaborative effort between Steeldogs Managing Partner Scott Myers and Brent High, President of Third Coast Sports.

...

The promotion is part of the first of three Barber's Dairy Faith Nights with the Steeldogs. Christian recording artists Audio Adrenaline will perform in a pre-game concert. Free Bibles will be handed out courtesy of Spiritual Outdoor Adventures (www.teamsoa.org). The Bibles will come in handy as those in attendance search to find the Bible references on the jerseys of each Birmingham player.

In 2004 High came up with the idea of giving away camouflaged Bibles and bobble head dolls of Biblical figures Moses, Samson and Noah as part of Faith Nights with the Nashville Sounds.

What, no John the Baptist bobblehead?

One can only hope that Louisville Fire renames its pleather-clad Wildfire "dance team" the Delilahs and equips each member with a six-pack and a FlowBee two hours before the kickoff.

(Thanks to a reader for the link)

The Verdict

So Zacarias Moussaoui, a loathsome man who likely would have participated in the 9/11 attacks but didn't have much, if anything, to do with them, but claimed he did, will be in prison for the rest of his life. And he won't be executed either.

Watch the wingnutosphere for demands for jury reform, eludications of the President's Constitutional power to summarily execute criminal defendants regardless of judicial advisory opinions, Palovian droolings of the word dhimmitude and the home addresses and phone numbers of the jurors.

Never Again

Bob Somerby's analytical skills are often at their lowest ebb whenever he tries to play Bismark, The Honest Broker, and takes on the perceived perfidy of the liberal blogosphere. In addressing the Colbert appearance at the White House Press Cwhore dinner, Somerby quotes a reader e-mail posted at an (unnamed) liberal blog which compared the relative lack of press coverage of Colbert to the greater coverage of Don Imus' remarks at the 1996 Radio and Television Correspondents' Dinner. Somerby bravely advises the losers and rubes (that might be you) that the latter was a news story because "the press corps" "felt" Imus was rude to Clinton, citing the fact that "[t]he committee that organized the event has issued a formal apology to the president."

Leaving aside Somerby's conflation of the dinner's organizing committee with "the press corps," and of the issuance of an apology with sincere feeling, there's certainly no dearth of whiners who think Colbert was rude to Bush. (Including perhaps Somerby, who calls Colbert's material "inaapropriate" and thinks Colbert acted in bad faith because he signed a contract -- a contract, dammit! -- to do only funny and appropriate material.) More fundamentally, Somerby doesn't quote "the press corps" stating that they don't think Colbert was rude to Bush. Accordingly, Somerby doesn't make the case he claims to make: that the difference in coverage was due to "the press corps"' differing evaluations of the rudeness of the respective performances.

You become more and more like the others, Bob. Not we.

But the main point of this post is Somerby's quotation of this contemporaneous account of the '96 dinner:

"ABC's Cokie Roberts says she will never -- repeat, never -- be a guest on the Imus radio show again."

Of course, never is a long time when you've got a column to peddle. And no one actually expects you to follow through with a declaration of principle anyway.

But I'd guess what really got Cokie's peeve on ten years ago wasn't the Clinton Astroturf gags, but rather this direct hit:

"My favorite moment on World News Tonight was when Peter threw it to Cokie Roberts who we were told was standing outside the Capitol building, remember that when they chromo-keyed Cokie outside the Capitol."

There's nothing as funny as the truth.

And now Cokie can "never" appear on The Daily Show, as they stole one of her best bits.

Survey Says

A recent survey of Roger Ailes readers indicates that at least 98 percent of them are breathtakingly attractive, intellectually gifted, humble, sexually gifted, affluent, give generously to progessive politicians and causes and buy copious amounts of high-end electronics, books and novelty t-shirts and mugs. And are incapable of deception.

The other 2 percent come here after Googling "Roger Ailes" or "Jay Severin."

Internet marketers are tearing their hair transplants out over their inability to purchase advertising space on this blog.

Oh, and it was a scientific survey, too.

Roses For Peretz

A couple of years ago or so, I good-naturedly ribbed Kevin Drum for characterizing comparing ESPN's deletion of Greg Easterbrook's columns from its website to Stalin's deletion of fallen-from-favor party functionaries from Soviet texts. I pointed out that Stalin also expunged those individuals (and millions more) from the ranks of the living, while the Disney Corporation graciously spared Easterbrook's life. You could look it up (I tried, but I couldn't find it).

Anyway, over at The $9.97 Republic, and more specifically, on The Wank blog, crackpot Kremlinologist Gnome Scheiber tops that insipid analogy by a factor of four:

Various aggrieved bloggers have suggested the audience wasn't laughing because Colbert was too tough on the president and the press corps. I dunno.... I was sitting about ten feet from Ed Helms, Colbert's former "Daily Show" colleague, and kept glancing over to check his reaction. He cracked some smiles here and there. But I never saw him doubled over with laughter, not even close. My sense is that the blogosphere response is more evidence of a new Stalinist aesthetic on the left -- until recently more common on the right -- wherein the political content of a performance or work of art is actually more important than its entertainment value.

Don't tell anyone, 'cause it's still in the planning stage, but the next big netroots project is to install a 30-foot-tall bronze statute of Comrade Colbert in the town square of every occupied Red State. The Artist's and Blogger's Union has been mobilized to exterminate Trey Parker and Matt Stone. (Bruce Tinsley will be allowed to live, but will be relocated to Abu Ghraib and forced to increase his output to three strips a day.) Our plot to flood the market with hammer-and-sickle sportswear has succeeded beyond our wildest dreams. (That's been a long struggle -- Sully's been boring us with tales of his anti-Communist heroics in Cambridge Theater of Operations for, what, 30 years now?)

Now, I don't mean to suggest that Gnome is unfamiliar with brutally-enforced ideological conformity; far from it. And it would be cynical to suggest that the real point of Gnome's piece to was ensure his continued access to those "Bloomberg affairs" he adores so much that he ranks them. But you'd think he'd be smart enough to realize that criticism of a leader who (as Gnome admits) deliberately misused intelligence in order to wage war and consolidate power is the antithesis of Stalinism.

p.s. to the Gnome: Supporting a claim that you thought the War Against Iraq was a bad idea from "the get-go" by citing a piece dated July 11, 2005 is only going to make you sound as lazy and stupid as a White House reporter. Or just like a dumbass.

No Bad Writing Goes Impune

You'd think someone who spent twenty years as a press secretary and currently works as a paid shill would grasp the concept of proofreading:

"You all worship at Vince Cerf who has a clear financial interest in the outcome of this debate but you immediately castigate all of us who disagree and impune our motives."

The Democratic Party's gain is K Street's loss.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm late for services at Temple Vince Cerf.

And I Swear That I Don't Have A Gun, No I Don't Have A Gun

No, Rush, you weren't arrested. That wasn't a mug shot. This isn't a cup and you don't have to piss into it on demand.

Rush Limbaugh must submit to random drug tests under an agreement filed Monday that will dismiss a prescription fraud charge against the conservative commentator after 18 months if he complies with the terms.

He also must continue treatment for his acknowledged addiction to painkillers and he cannot own a gun.

Let's see.

If the police want to take my picture, I can just say no.

If they want my bodily fluids, sorry, can't have 'em.

They want me to undergo psychiatric treatment, too fucking bad.

If I want to own a gun, I'm golden.

No, Rush, you didn't win. You bargained away the Bill of Rights to keep your sorry ass out of jail.

News You Can't Use

From the front page of nytimes.com:

"A group of Columbia Business School students put together a comedy sketch about Federal Reserve Chairman Ben S. Bernanke."

Just Say No To Drugs

The abuse of hillbilly heroin and Ding Dongs takes its toll.

The New World Order

World O'Crap has moved to a new site. The direct link to the brand spankin' new W'OC blog is here.

Maybe this move will finally shame me into updating my blogroll.