Governor Christie Responds to Controversy

The governor issued a five-sentence statement late Wednesday in response to the controversy:

"Holy underwear! Sheriff murdered! Innocent women and children blown to bits! We have to protect our phoney baloney jobs here, gentlemen! We must do something about this immediately! Immediately! Immediately! Harrumph! Harrumph! Harrumph!"

Wait. I'm told that was a rough transcript.

Try this one:

What I've seen today for the first time is unacceptable. I am outraged and deeply saddened to learn that not only was I misled by a member of my staff, but this completely inappropriate and unsanctioned conduct was made without my knowledge. One thing is clear: this type of behavior is unacceptable and I will not tolerate it because the people of New Jersey deserve better. This behavior is not representative of me or my Administration in any way, and people will be held responsible for their actions. Harrumph! Harrumph! Harrumph!"

And by "What I've seen today for the first time," Christie is referring to unfavorable press coverage.

The actions of the representatives of my Administration are not representative of my Administration, he added.

Be sure you've jotted that down correctly, media lapdogs.