World's Most Sexually Appealing Libertarian Dies

From the New York Daily News:

The nearly 600-pound man who gained fame as spokesman for the Heart Attack Grill – a Phoenix-area restaurant that prides itself in serving excessively unhealthy food – is dead at the age of 29.

Blair River's official cause of death is currently not known, but friends say he contracted pneumonia after a bout with the flu. He died on Tuesday.

The 6-foot-8, 575 pound man is being remembered as an energetic, creative, gentle giant.

"Cynical people might think this (River's death) is funny," the restaurant's founder Jon Basso told the Arizona Republic. "But people who knew him are crying their eyes out. There is a lot of mourning going on around here. You couldn't have found a better person."

At the Heart Attack Grill, scantily-clad women dressed as nurses unabashedly serve its customers high-caloric food. The menu touts its 8,000-calorie quadruple bypass burger, "flatliner fries" fried in "pure lard," a "butterfat shake," and no-filter cigarettes.

Reason's Nick Gillespie is the front-runner to fill Mr. River's role as the restaurant's spokeslardass. He's only got another thirty pounds to gain, and then Michelle Obama will be sorry!