See What Brown Can't Do For You

Praise Jehovah! Ken Gladney, who was beaten into a vegetative state by union thugs, can stand again! And they said he'd never walk again. Scrawny white men who wish to kiss Gladney's bald head will have to bring stepstools.

Perhaps the Lord will also cure Gladney's attorney of his terminal dumbfuckedness:

Gladney, who says he is an independent, stood next to his attorney at the news conference. David Brown interjected when Gladney was asked about his injuries. He said there is a pending civil case and it would not be appropriate to discuss Gladney's health.

Counsellor Brown calls a press conference to rehash his fairy tales of abuse, and the only part he can't talk about is whether his client was actually harmed. Just wait until he tries that in the civil suit: "Your Honor, it would not be appropriate to discuss my client's injuries because he has a pending media stunt."

Mr. Gladney's Liberty Tour freak show won't be much of a draw if they keep the stigmata covered.