Wash Your Hands After Reading This Blog

I've been running a fever for the past 24 hours. Maybe I'll be the first blogger with a confirmed case of the swine flu.

May I Suggest The Party of Penis?

Following in the footsteps of the U.C. Berkeley School of Law and Open Sores Media aka Depends Media (don't make me link to Jeff Jarvis), the Grand Old Party plans to piss away good money on bad public relations:

GOP set to launch rebranding effort
Posted: 11:00 PM ET

From CNN Chief National Correspondent John King

WASHINGTON (CNN) - Coming soon to a battleground state near you: a new effort to revive the image of the Republican Party and to counter President Obama's characterization of Republicans as "the party of 'no.'"

CNN has learned that the new initiative, called the National Council for a New America, will be announced Thursday.

It will involve an outreach by an interesting mix of GOP officials, ranging from 2008 Republican presidential nominee John McCain to Jeb Bush, the former Florida governor and the younger brother of the man many Republicans blame for the party's battered brand: former President George W. Bush.

In addition to Sen. McCain and Gov. Bush, GOP sources familiar with the plans tell CNN others involved in the new group's "National Panel Of Experts" will include:

*Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour, a former national GOP chairman
*Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal
*Former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney

It will report to GOP congressional leaders, and among those signing the announcement that will be made public Thursday are:

*House GOP Leader John Boehner
*House GOP Whip Eric Cantor
*House GOP Conference Chairman Mike Pence
*Senate GOP Leader Mitch McConnell
*The No. 2 Senate Republican, Jon Kyl
*And the Senate GOP Conference Chairman, Lamar Alexander

Now there's a diverse group of leaders if ever I saw one. And it's a breakthrough concept for a Party's leadership to take on leadership roles. They're all looking forward ... to a long nap.

Wait....

UPDATE: South Dakota Sen. John Thune will also participate in the group. The Republican congressional leadership is also slated to travel the country and attend town-hall meetings as part of the new effort.

Perhaps I've been too harsh.

To save the Grand Old Party from blowing hundreds of thousands on sleazebag ad types who don't moonlight as sex workers, I'm asking my readers to come up with alternative suggestions to the National Council for New America (NC-FN'A). Leave your suggestions in comments, and I'll forward the best suggestions to Chairman Steele.

Oh. Wait.

A. Specter Gets Away With Murder

Arlen Specter has two biographies on his official website. The first paragraph in each is bland boilerplate. Here is the second paragraph of each:

One:

His legal background and experience in constitutional law provided the skills to chair the dignified confirmation hearings of Chief Justice Roberts and Justice Alito. In earlier confirmation hearings he had the courage to cross party lines in opposing Judge Bork and disagreeing with conventional wisdom in supporting Justice Thomas after dissecting the contradictory and highly charged testimony.

Two:

Senator Specter has been a member of the Senate Judiciary Committee since he came to the Senate. As such, he has played an instrumental role in many of the Senate's most important issues, including the confirmations of Chief Justice John G. Roberts, Jr. and Justice Samuel Alito to serve as Associate Justice on the U.S. Supreme Court.

Near the top of Arlen's own list of accomplishments in the U.S. Senate is giving lifetime tenure to John Thomas and Veto Scalito. And he supported Clarence Thomas not for his legal competence or knowledge, but because he wasn't convinced Thomas victimized his female staff. The pool of qualified jurists has grown exponentally.

It's Specter's party; we're just Lana Clarkson.

If I told the Democratic Party once, I told them a thousand times, "You let people like Mickey Kaus pretend to be a Democrat and this kind of stuff will happen."

The Forgotten Men

Finally some relief for the overlooked victims of the Bush recession:

The Yankees cut by up to 50 percent the price of the $2,500-a-game Legends Suite seats for full season-ticket holders at their new stadium on Tuesday. They also announced that holders of the ticket plans behind home plate would be given an equal number of tickets free.

Sadly, the prospective purchasers have already Gone Galt and will only return when they follow the Galt's Gulch Baseball Club on their road trips to New York City.

Shorter David Broder

Dig this crazy reasoning:

Suppose the investigators decide that the country does not want to see the former president and vice president in the dock. Then underlings pay the price while big shots go free. But at some point, if he is at all a man of honor, George W. Bush would feel bound to say: That was my policy. I was the president. If you want to indict anyone for it, indict me.

Is that where we want to go? I don't think so.

Don't investigate because we can't hold the President accountable for violating the law and we can't hold others accountable for violating the law when we won't hold the President accountable.

Here's an idea: How about we suppose that the country (and not just Broder) decides whether they want to see Bush and Cheney in the dock after all the facts are made available to them. And how about we further suppose that the investigators will follow the law and will indict or not based on the facts, as the law requires them to do, rather than follow some opinion poll. You know, like what is supposed to happen for every other citizen of the United States. Or, better yet, why don't we not fucking suppose at all, and just find out the facts instead.

The biggest flaw in Broder's reasoning is that assumption that George W. Bush is at all a man of honor. Of course, Broder's conclusion that Bush is a man of honor is based on his belief that Bush never got blown in the Oval Office.

Miss Bybee Regrets

Miss Bybee regrets, you are unable to breathe today, sir,
Miss Bybee regrets, you are unable to breathe today.
She is sorry you are restrained,
Tied to a board, blindfolded, gagged and drowned, sir,
Miss Bybee regrets, you're unable to breathe today.

When she woke up and found that her dream of power was gone, sir,
She blamed the people who insist on the rule of law,
And from under her judicial robe,
She cried about context and pressure from Karl Rove, sir,
Miss Bybee regrets her role has seen the light of day.

When Congress came and got her and dragged her from the bench, sir,
She wasn't strung from the old willow at Guantanamo Bay,
But at the moment she dies (of old age),
She will suffer just like the victims of wingnut rage, sir.
Miss Bybee will regret she is unable to breathe today.

(With apologizes to Cole Porter.)

Shorter Sean Hannity

Waterboarding isn't torture. I pay good money for waterboarding.

Okay, technically, it's not water.

This and this are what blogs are for.

The newspapers report, but bloggers add important information the papers don't print for whatever reason.

Of course, blogs make shit up as well. They misrepresent and distort, intentionally and otherwise. Just like television stations and newspapers. It's not the medium, it's the messenger.

(Links via Atrios)

I'm Dick, Fly Me

Newt Gingrich rides Moby Dick Airways.

Seems appropriate.

The Chair of the RNC rode Dick in the 2004 and 2008 cycles too.

Everybody's Talking About Teabagism

It's going to be a regular Swallowpalooza in Sacto tomorrow:

Tentative Event Schedule

April 15th - Tax Day!

California State Capitol Building - West Steps
Party from 12:00 to 3:00

11:00 AM Set-up and "Gates Open"
12:00 PM Kick Off
1:00 PM Your World with Neil Cavuto: Live
3:00 PM Neil Cavuto - Fox Business News: Live

And don't forget the the twilight concert by Big Head Neil and the Monsters, followed by the midnight repeat of Your World with Neil Cavuto, and an extra special appearance by Michael "The Unrecognized" Reagan.

Teabegging: A Message From Chairman Steele

From the e-mail bag:

So on this Tax Day, April 15, the Republican National Committee is asking you, along with hundreds of thousands of grassroots activists across our country, to assert a real patriotic act by sending a virtual tea bag to Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and the rest of the tax, spend and borrow Democrats. Let them know enough is enough and you don't approve of their plan to pass the largest tax hike in American history.

And when you send your virtual tea bag today, I hope you will also take this opportunity to make a secure online contribution of $25, $50, $100, $500 or $1,000 to the RNC today to help fund our efforts to resist the massive tax and spending increases Barack Obama and the Pelosi-Reid Democrats are attempting to ram through Congress.

...

Schlomo, Americans will pay more in taxes this year than they will spend on food, clothing and housing combined and it is still not enough for Barack Obama and the liberal Democrats.

...

And when you do, please also make a secure online contribution of $25, $50, $100, $500 or $1,000 to the RNC today to fight the Democrats' efforts to take advantage of America's present economic difficulties to force through their reckless agenda.


Let them know you already pay enough in taxes by sending them a virtual tea bag by clicking here. Please send your virtual tea bag today. Thank you.


Sincerely,

Michael Steele
Chairman, Republican National Committee

P.S. Schlomo, let Obama and the liberal Democrats know enough is enough. Send them a virtual tea bag this Tax Day to protest the liberal agenda to raise your taxes and those of every American. And please take this opportunity to make a secure online contribution of $25, $50, $100, $500 or $1,000 to the RNC to support and elect Republicans who believe in the principles of lower taxes, limited government and personal responsibility. Thank you.

Steele wants you to pay for the privilege of virtual teabagging.

(He also wants you to "assert a real patriotic act." Fucking illiterate.)*

And he repeats his teabegging three times, just in case you're too stupid to understand it the first two times.

* More illiteracy on the Teabag Donation page: "The Obama Democrats want to raises taxes to bankroll their plans to increase spending to record levels, change the tax code to redistribute the wealth of working families, and destroy the savings of millions of middle-class Americans."

Sorelosercoleman

A Republican who thinks he is above the law.

Okay, I'll narrow that down. A Minnesota Republican and soon to be indicted former United States Senator who thinks he's above the law:

"The overwhelming weight of the evidence indicates that the Nov. 4, 2008, election was conducted fairly, impartially and accurately," the panel said in its unanimous decision.

In rejecting Coleman's arguments, the panel said the Republican essentially asked it to ignore Minnesota election requirements and adopt a more lenient standard allowing illegal absentee ballots to be counted.

The panel also rejected Coleman's comparison of Senate election problems to those in the 2000 presidential race in Florida.

Unlike Florida, Minnesota has statewide standards for absentee voting that are "uniform and explicit and apply in every county and city," the panel wrote.

Congratulations, Senator Franken.

Not Since the Battle of Salines

Now that Navy forces have rescued Richard Phillips and killed three Somali pirates, President Obama's military accomplishments exceed those of Ronald Reagan. And without a Lebanon fisaco.

Shiver Me Timbers and Blow Me, Clown

Syphilis Gonorrhea Hanson has some "thoughts" about pirates:

Piracy may or may not be a matter of American national security, but the American people will not for long stand the notion that a captive brave American ship captain risks his life to escape, while formidable American naval power either cannot or will not punish the miscreants.

More Americans have been killed this month by paranoid anti-Obama teabaggers wearing body armor than have been killed by pirates in the last 100 years.

While Hanson's preferred solution, involving a big 'splosion and 300 naked, glistening swabbies, might arouse Hanson's interest for a few minutes, the American people might prefer a plan which didn't involve killing the brave American ship captain for Hanson's vicarious jollies.

V.D. also notes that, since 1989, his fellow academics have been soft on piracy. Perhaps the eggheads are big Bobby Bonilla fans.

Update: Is this butch enough for ya, Herpes?

Planned Parenthood v. Casey II

Planned Parenthood loses this round.

This kind of thing is bound to happen when Jeffrey puts his tube in.

Allegedly.

(Link via the extremely admirable Fire Mickey Kaus.)

Another Tea Party Protest In Pittsburgh

Here's a tea party protest that Instacracker hasn't covered yet:

Poplawski had feared "the Obama gun ban that's on the way" and "didn't like our rights being infringed upon," said Edward Perkovic, his best friend.

Perkovic, 22, said he got a call at work from him in which he said, "Eddie, I am going to die today. ... Tell your family I love them and I love you."

Perkovic said: "I heard gunshots and he hung up. ... He sounded like he was in pain, like he got shot."

Poplawski had once tried to join the Marines, but was kicked out of boot camp after throwing a food tray at a drill sergeant, Perkovic said.

Another longtime friend, Aaron Vire, said Poplawski feared that President Barack Obama was going to take away his rights, though he said he "wasn't violently against Obama."

Vire, 23, said Poplawski once had an Internet talk show but that it wasn't successful. He said Poplawski owned an AK-47 rifle and several powerful handguns, including a .357 Magnum.

Three police officers were killed. Poplawski, wearing a bulletproof vest, was not.

Maybe the 'Cracker will blame the deaths on "Police lameness."

Grand Old Police Blotter: Thick AND Thieves Edition

The Palin clan is trying to give hillbillies and petty thieves a bad name:

Todd Palin's half-sister was arrested Thursday after police say she broke into a Wasilla home for the second time this week to steal money.

Palin is the husband of Gov. Sarah Palin. He declined comment.

Diana Palin, 35, entered a home near Wasilla’s Multi-Use Sports Complex and attempted to steal cash from the owner’s bedroom, police said.

She also broke into the same house on Tuesday and stole $400, they said.

She was arrested Thursday morning on felony charges of first-degree burglary and misdemeanor charges of criminal trespass and theft, police said. Friday morning, she remained jailed at Mat-Su Pretrial Facility in Palmer in lieu of $10,000 bail and court-approved third party custodian.

Diana and her husband, Scott McLean, live in a different neighborhood from the location of the home she is accused of burglarizing.

This kind of thing is to be expected when your family disses your dealer's son and you can no longer get your crank on credit. Not that that happened here. This shouldn't present a problem for Diana anyway, given all the cronyism and corruption in the Alaska state government.

Update (4/4):

It was a family outing, reportedly:

Palin's four-year-old daughter, who had been waiting in a 1993 Toyota Camery [sic] during the Thursday incident, entered the house shortly before police arrived as the scene, the prosecutor stated during a hearing on Friday. The affidavit read that the girl told police she had been to the house days before with her mother. Diana Palin denied this, the Daily News said, and claimed she mistook the house for a friend's place.

(First link via TPM.)

Better Than Beck

Ed Schultz isn't my cup of tea, but he probably won't give himself strange haircuts, weep uncontrollably and do prop comedy.

Veteran talk radio host Ed Schultz joins MSNBC as host of "The Ed Show," premiering on Monday, April 6. "The Ed Show" will air weekdays, 6-7 p.m. ET. The announcement was made today by Phil Griffin, President, MSNBC.

"I am thrilled to have Ed kicking-off our primetime lineup," said Griffin. "Ed's proven that he can connect with Americans and will be a perfect compliment to Chris, Keith, and Rachel. He's already made his mark on radio and I'm excited to see what he'll do with the 6 p.m. hour."

"I'm excited to have this opportunity with MSNBC," said Schultz. "I look forward to having a day to day discussion with fellow Americans on issues that really matter to all of us."

David Shuster, currently hosting "1600 Pennsylvania Avenue" at 6 p.m. ET on MSNBC, will join Tamron Hall as host of a new 3-5 p.m. ET program on MSNBC. Shuster will also continue to anchor breaking news coverage during the day and serve as a regular substitute anchor for "Countdown with Keith Olbermann." Norah O'Donnell's hour will move to the morning. The exact hour will be announced at a later date.

I suppose the strategy is to have a blue collar, non-East Coast moderate Dem, since nobody was buying Matthews as a regular guy. But if he hosts the same Newsweek/Politico/WaPo/NBC Rolodex filler that populates the network around the clock, what difference does it make?

Best of luck to Ed.