Deadblogging The Race

Well, I was all set to liveblog to RI/OH/TX/VT results and it turns out my television still doesn't work. I suppose I could listen on the radio, but that medium is deader than Rush Limbaugh's dick. So I'll try to cover the results from the print web alone.

8:02 p.m. Scanning the news, I see that Sid Vicious has captured the G.O.P. nomination, riding the wave of anti-Catholic bigotry that the media is determined not to cover.

8:03 p.m. I wonder if anyone would pay me to write a fake memoir. People in the publishing industry seem pretty friggin' stupid.

8:10 p.m.The NYT has called Rhode Island for Clinton, by 18 percent. I better pace myself.

8:14 p.m. Blogger Sucks! When I posted my 8:10, it deleted my 8:03. Blow me, Google!

8:17 p.m. I've recreated -- and improved (!) -- my 8:03 post.

8:18 p.m. Kitty Seeyle keeps referring to Senators Clinton and Obama as Mrs. and Mr.

8:28 p.m. The target of Ann Althouse and Andy Sully's psychopathic loathing has won in Ohio.

8:35 p.m. The California Supreme Court heard oral arguments today on the constitutionality of the state's ban on same-sex marriage. The court will decide within 90 days, leaving plenty of time for Sid Vicious to demagogue the issue in the general election. Unfortunately for McCain -- and California -- the court is packed with Republicans.

8:45 p.m. In other election news, voters in Brattleboro, VT voted to indict Bush and Cheney and directed the police to arrest and detain George and Dick for purposes of extradition. Now that's democracy in action!

8:52 p.m. Is this thing on?

8:56 p.m. The undiscovered insult. Now that it's too late, I've come up with the perfect name for supporters of that libertarian loon: PaulOps.

9:07 p.m. Speaking of malignant growths, a large one has been removed from the airwaves in San Francisco. Of course, the human colostomy bag, Michael Weiner, is still polluting the area, but you have to start somehwhere. Maybe Mel can get a job in one of the Indian Casinos.

9:19 p.m. Senator Clinton won by a wide margin in the Texas counties of Deaf Smith, Tom Green and Glasscock. Senator Obama's only down by 2 percent in the county named after that Confederate cracker, Jefferson Davis.

9:27 p.m. If you think this is bad, you should read Mike Huckabee's concession speech. Huckleberry, Jnr. claims some woman sold her wedding ring on eBay to support his campaign. Huck should give her back her five bucks.

9:42 p.m. James Wolcott has a teevee, and he says: "Chris Matthews, sitting with his arms irritably crossed, and Keith Olbermann look like the gold and silver medal winners in a lemon-sucking contest...." I'm sorry I missed that.

9:44 p.m. Breaking News: "[I]t has come to light that for three years, 24-year-old [American Idol contestant] David Hernandez worked as a stripper at Dick's Cabaret in Glendale, Arizona, where he danced nude and gave lap dances to a mostly male clientele." Here's the address for Dick's if you're a mostly male strip club enthusiast.

9:57 p.m. AdNags says: "CNN, NBC News and Fox News, however, projected that Mrs. Clinton would win the Texas primary." I guess we'll have Mark Penn and Hillary's ad shop to kick around some more. But Obama's got 56 percent of the Texas caucus, with five percent reporting. (All that according to the NYT.)

10:00 p.m. Time for my injection. (Not this stuff, sadly.)

10:15 p.m. Off to read a book.

6:04 a.m., Wednesday Morning Senator Obama holds a 52/48 percent lead in the Texas caucuses. Senator Clinton's percentage in the Texas primary was only 51 percent, the same as Sid Vicious'. Sid only beat the "Foe," as the NYT calls him, in Texas by 13 percent. Crackpot racist newsletter writer Ron Paul also lives to suck off the public teat for another 2 years (unless some Dem knocks him off).

6:23 a.m. SidVicious visits the White House to receive the kiss of death. After dinner, they will retire to the War Room to waterboard Joe Lieberman. McCain should enjoy the surroundings while he can; come November, he'll never be invited back.

(Keep refreshing for ... ah, who am I kidding?)