Huckleberry Pwned

The underreported story of last night was the political death of Fred Thompson, who drowned in a quarter-inch puddle of bourbon and branch water in Hew Hampshire at 7:01 p.m. EST. The Great Dead Hope of the Republican Party was bested by fifth-placed finisher Ron Paul, the absentee proprietor of a racist publishing empire. In fact, Paul received eight times more votes than Huckleberry Fred. Fred claims he's focused on South Carolina, where, God willing, folks might confuse him with Deputy Dawg, but when word of Paul's newsletters reaches the South Carolina G.O.P. there's no way Fred will outperform Paul.