Toys In The Attic

Recently released studies show that some boys who play with dolls turn out to be morons:

The popular all-American comic-book military man and action figure dating back to the 1940s is undergoing a significant transformation for the Paramount Pictures-distributed "G.I. Joe" film, which begins production in February and is scheduled for release in summer 2009.

No longer will G.I. Joe be a U.S. Special Forces soldier, the "Real American Hero" who, in his glory days, single-handedly won World War II [WTF? - Roger].

In the politically correct new millennium, G.I. Joe bears no resemblance to the original.

Paramount has confirmed that in the movie, the name G.I. Joe will become an acronym for "Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity" — an international, coed task force charged with defeating bad guys....

"I find it outrageous that they'd want to drop everything American" from the character, said conservative blogger Warner Todd Huston, who wrote about the rumors this week on Newsbusters.org and his own blog. "That's nuts."

Retired Army Col. David W. Hunt, a FOX News military and terrorism analyst, called the scheme to make a whole new Joe "a shame."

...

"G.I. Joe is not an international hero. That's crap," said Col. Hunt. "They don't have to water it down. That doesn't make sense."

For blogger Huston, who played with G.I. Joe as a boy, transforming the entire character into an amorphous task force in the movie feels like a hit to his childhood memories.

"I certainly understand that it's for international audiences, but these things are American icons," he said. "Why even pretend it's G.I. Joe then? I am a little bit upset about the whole thing."

...

"It's the last spit in the face of our military," Huston said. "The doll was G.I. Joe, the government-issued guy who was a hero and American. It was celebrating this one heroic soldier. They want to take even that away."

Actually, the heroic Joe has been slandered since the 1980s, when it was insinuated by South Korean animators that Joe fighter pilots, though armed with the latest laser gun technology, were completely incapable of killing the Cobra airmen whose planes they shot down.

But Joe survived that, as well as the 70s, a decade in which he spent most of his time on Fire Island with Brent Bozell (in blue) and some of their pals.

I can understand why this shocking news would cause a proud military man like Weenie Todd to lose his tenuous kung-fu grip on reality. I haven't yet found any record of Huston's adult military service, but rumor has it he served in the same division as "Captain Ed" Morrissey, and wounded his wrist in the Battle of Avalon Hill.