BREAKING NEWS: THOMPSON'S IN G.O.P. RACE

No, not Chris and Maggie's daddy-figure and yokel scene-chewer Fred Thompson. Tommy "Tommy" Thompson, former Wisconsin governor, has joined the ranks of his fellow losers, Duncan Hunter, Tom Tancredo, Ron Paul, Mike Huckabee and Willard "Muff" Romney, in the fight for five minutes of air time on basic cable.

During the "In Memorium" segement of ABC's This Week, Thompson's corpse said:

"Things are started to coalesce and I feel very, very optimistic about my future,"....

"I am the reliable conservative. My record shows that. All that people have to do is look at my record, and I am one individual that they can count on," Thompson said.

Thompson also revealed some of the planks in his head platform. First, he plans to order Iraq's puppet government to act democratic:

He would have "a completely different Iraq strategy" from the president's. Thompson said he would "demand" that the Iraqi government vote as to whether it wanted the U.S. to remain in the country. If the answer were yes, "it immediately gives a degree of legitimacy." If the answer were no, "We would get out, absolutely. It's a duly elected government."

Thompson also vowed to nominate cabinet members who would place loyalty to himself above all else:

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has made "terrible mistakes" in the handling of the fired federal prosecutors. "I would not have appointed Mr. Gonzales. I would have appointed somebody that was loyal to me," Thompson said.

Because Abu G. was running a rogue operation out of Justice, designed to bring down Bush and his administration.

In the most recent surveys, Thompson is polling at "who the fuck is that?" plus or minus five percent.