Grand Old Police Blotter: Meets Republican Family Values Edition

What does a Republican prosecutor do when her tax criminal husband starts banging other women? She calls the graft-taking, Judith Regan-screwing, bogus 9/11 hero, Bernie "Cut and Run" Kerik to illegally wiretap her husband's boat... I mean, to idly chit-chat about completely hypothetical illegal wiretapping.

And not just any Republican prosecutor -- the Republican nominee for New York Attorney General, Jeanine Pirro.

Let's listen in as Pirro and Kerik plan their totally imaginary caper:

[Pirro] suggests, "We can just simply say, if there is an issue, that I am redecorating it for our anniversary." She complains that Kerik's man is, "uncomfortable with that."

Kerik responded by saying, "But Jeanine, I'm having the same fucking problem with everybody. Everybody is panic stricken because it's you. I've gone out on a limb. I had two other people looking at this. It's a problem."

Pirro said, "What am I supposed to do, Bernie? Watch him fuck her every night? What am I supposed to do? I can go on the boat. I'll put the fucking thing on myself."

Don't forget, folks, Kerik was Rudy Guiliani's fucking lieutenant.

Pirro may have had an alternative to wiretapping:

Without her husband, sources said she told Kerik, "I move into the governor's mansion." That's an apparent reference to her aspirations for higher office, the documents said.

You should have spent the extra money, Jeanine, and had old Albert whacked.