Grand Old Police Blotter: The Week In Republicrime Edition

Jesus Saves, But He Don't Work Pro Bono

As we all know, former White House virtuecrat and Jesse Helms lickspittle Claude Allen is attempting to cut a deal to avoid prison for his theft of $5,000 worth of tat from Target. Less know is that Allen's mouthpiece is Greg Craig, the Williams and Connoly heavy-hitter who also has represented William Kennedy Smith, John Hinckley and Kofi Annan. (And, yes, the Clenis!) It's going to take ten years of shoplifting trips for Allen to pay off Craig's legal bills. Say bye-bye to that beautiful house, Clod.

Molestors For Bush

Carey Lee Cramer, a Bush supporter who claimed in television ads that the Clinton-Gore administration put America's children in danger, was convicted by a Texas jury of aggravated sexual assault of a child, indecency with a child and exposure with a child. The conviction demonstrates that Cramer wasn't quite the student of Karl Rove he thought he was. One of Cramer's victims was the girl he featured in his 2000 attack ad against Gore.

Top GOP Cop Cops Plea

And then there's Bernie Kerik, America's Chief of Police and the man who Bush assured us was the most qualified to run the Department of Homeland Security. Bernie, represented by celebrity mouthpiece Joe Tacopino, was convicted of taking illegal gifts. Turns out al-Qaeda could have had Cut-'n' Run Kerik out of petty cash. Just think, this man almost had access to all your private phone and banking records. Now he's just an albatross around Rudy Guiliani's neck.

Former Kerik moll Judith "Vaseline" Regan could not be reached for comment, as her cellphone had been stolen.