Ben On Film

Since his move to Massachusetts, the Virgin Ben has developed a new passion: gay cinema. He's up on the box office receipts of every gay-themed film in the past decade, and he's got his eye on the homoerotic major studio releases for 2005. Plus, he's got all the best bits of Alexander flagged so Brent Bozell can fast forward through the battle scenes.

Of course, Ben disapproves -- really! -- of gay-friendly filmmaking. His love of the Lord of the Rings trilogy had nothing to do with the muscular warriors, the smooth, tiny, young hobbits or Ian McKellan's large staff. And America shares his loathing, says Ben:

Unfortunately for the critics -- and Stone -- the cultural pendulum has begun to swing toward traditional morality again. The five films that beat "Alexander" to a pulp were: "National Treasure," "The Incredibles," "Christmas With The Kranks," "The Polar Express," and "The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie." These films were rated, respectively, PG, PG, PG, G and PG. ... These are all family friendly fare. That's what Americans want to see nowadays.

Yes, what else could explain the relative box office success of animated features with half the running time over a five-day school holiday weekend?

Don't tell Ben that SpongeBob is gay -- who knows how he'll handle it.