Alan Keyes Is Fucking Nuts

The most exciting aspect of Alan Keyes' consideration of a run for a Senate in Illinois is the thought of Keyes' RenewAmerica columnists staffing his Senate office.

Imagine Kaye Grogan as Keyes' campaign manager:

Since Florida Governor Jeb Bush is the brother of President Bush, I believe if the dots could have been connected, we might have been led straight to that ole' smelly rat. Many Floridians seemed primed up and ready for the controversy -- after the liberal news media called Florida for Al Gore, well in advance of the closure of voting polls in the 2000 election. And we are already hearing about another possible "fallout" in the presidential election in Florida on the first Tuesday in November 2004. Voter problems might be more believable if another state besides Florida became the prime target for voter difficulties. Attempts to make Gov. Jeb Bush and former Secretary of State Katherine Harris "patsies" in the 2000 election finally failed, making many conservatives breathe a big "sigh" of relief.

I'd "hate" to be Barack "Obama" if Kaye called for a "recount."

How about Matthew Diefenbacher for press secretary:

Memorials have played a major role in the psychology of human culture since the birth of recorded history. This paradigm has not shifted significantly in thousands of years. Memorials have evolved out of our acknowledgement of death, from the base level of the handling of the dead in a dignified manner to our respect for not only the deceased body, but for the "spirit" as well. Quite simply, once the body is prepared and interned in the appropriate, cultural manner, the sight of the final resting place is usually signified by a device such as a gravestone or marker, an indicator of the deceased and their time spent on the earth. Their defined time in history is recognized and finalized. Nothing can take that away. As a society we press to ensure and legitimize this fact by acknowledging these tributes.

On second thought, he can be in charge of the interns.

And Sam Weaver as keeper of the dictionary:

Webster's New World Dictionary defines morality: "1) moral quality or character; rightness or wrongness, as of an action 2) the character of being in accord with the principles or standards of right conduct; right conduct; sometimes, specif., virtue in sexual conduct 3) principles of right and wrong in conduct; ethics 4) a particular system of such principles...."

By the way, what is it with these wingnuts quoting the dictionary? "Can't argue with that logic ... He's quoting from the dictionary!"

Sadly, all of these people are saner than Alan Keyes.