I Have No Evidence That These Stories Are True... But It Doesn't Matter!

Okay, I've milked this gag for all it's worth, and Crooked Timber has caused a bit of a stir with its version of this critique (and suffered a troll invasion led by an Elf, born of a bat). So, no more e-mails, please. But before I wrap this up, I wanted to acknowledge the fine work of those who took time to send these entirely plausible reports of Republican misbehavior.

From an outdoorsman (name withheld):

One time I was in Montana, fly-fishing, with my mother. And Dick Cheney came wading downstream and fished out his own fly and pissed in the river, and on my mother. I flung a dead fish at him, but he just put it in his creel and counted it for his own.

From a Tennessean (name withheld):

This email is not a joke. It is true. Many, many years ago, I was at my local Bide-A-Wee animal shelter looking to adopt a small dog for my ailing mother. A young woman was also there to drop off a box of kittens just birthed by her tabby that were too much for her to keep in her apartment.

Suddenly, we heard a bellow from inside the shelter. A man was screaming, "Don't give me that crap! I know you've got plenty more around here! Give me them! I need them! I need them!" The doors burst open and a young man came screaming out. He was an awful sight: blood spattered surgical scrubs, bits of fur and tissue in his hair, even a few drops of blood on his chin. He looked intoxcated but not from any liquor I'd ever heard of. His feral eyes looked wildly about the room as he wiped some spittle from his lips. Then he spotted the box of kittens. He let out a spine-tingling howl and rushed to seize them in his claw-like hand, knocking down the poor young woman in the process. Then like some banshee from hell he went screaming out of the shelter with the box under his arm.

Years later, when my late wife needed a triple bypass and the Hospital Corporation of America denied her surgery, I discovered that the man I saw who took away the cats was none other than Doctor Bill, our present Senate Majority Leader. Lord knows what he wanted them for.

From a Rice University graduate (name withheld):

Decades ago, while I was working my way through Rice University, I had a job as a diener in the morgue. I stayed there overnight as a sort of watchman and to receive and process the new cases that might come in.

During orientation I was given a short list of people who had in the past shown an unhealthy interest in our accessions, particularly when they were young and female. Photographs were included, and I could swear that one of them was George W. Bush, who at that time had not yet entered the service. However, whatever had happened was before my time, and I never saw him there in person.

I could kick myself for not keeping a copy of that list.

Fact or fiction? You be the judge. As Howie the Putz says, you're entitled to report about baseless smears which aren't relevant, as long as you say they're "lacking evidence." Now there's an ethical standard we can only dream of achieving!