Another Ashcroft Tale

A concerned citizen e-mails us with a shocking story about the Attorney General and the perils of sexually-transmitted diseases.

Dear Roger Ailes:

It's interesting that you should request second- and third-hand stories about encounters with Republican politicians, because I happen to have one. I was talking to my brother-in-law's investment banker the other day, and the conversation turned to politics and the Washington scene. That's when he told me this story:

It seems his doctor told him that he (the doctor) was down in DC last month, and he went to his favorite brothel for some female companionship. He was being entertained by the young lady (her name way Kathy, but she liked to be called Aurora) when someone started banging on the door. Being in the middle of things, my brother-in-law's investment banker's doctor didn't really want to stop right then and there to see what was going on, but proceeded, instead, to the natural end of things. The banging continued (on the door, I mean) right up until the end, and then the door burst in explosively, and a man came flying into the room, landing on the floor at the foot of the bed where the couple had just a moment before completed their transaction.

The man was ranting and raving and demanding that the doctor leave immediately so that he (the man) could fuflill his appointment with the young lady, but the doctor was, as you can imagine, somewhat spent and needed some time to recuperate. Nevertheless, the man was screaming for him to get out and saying "Do you know who I am? Do you know who I am?" and so forth. Now, the man did look somewhat familiar to the doctor, but he couldn't place him immediately, so he took his time and went about his business of putting himself back together, while all the time the guy was yelling and saying "Do you know who I am?", until he (the doctor) suddenly recognized the man as being John Ashcroft, the Attorney General of the United States.

Now, I really don't know the doctor in question well, having never met him or spoken to him, but I take my brother-in-law's investment banker's word that he (the doctor) is a very quiet, soft-spoken guy who would normally never raise his voice or utter a word of disparagement even under duress, but the combination of the circumstances, and the fact that Attorney General Ashcroft was screaming at the top of his lungs, "Do you know who I am?", with his face all red and the veins bulging out from his neck, and his sickly little member dangling from his body, well, I guess that caused him (the doctor) to lose his cool a little, so as he was straightening his tie and putting on his jacket to leave, the next time that Ashcroft screamed "Do you know who I am?" the doctor just couldn't help himself, and he answered, "Yeah, you're the guy who's going to get VD if you don't put on a condom," which I thought was not only a great comeback, but also good advice for anyone about to avail themselves of the services of a lady of the evening.

Anyway, that's the story as it was told to me, and I swear that everything I personally experienced in it is true. I hope this is along the lines of what you are looking for.

[Name withheld by request]

Remember: It's in an e-mail, so it must be true!