With A Whimper

My New Year's Resolution is to blog more in 2012.

And to complete the King William's College Quiz.

Happy Holidays from the staff of Roger Ailes

I'll Take Things Other Than The Constitution Ron Paul Hasn't Read For Two Thousand

Fictitious whitey tape?  Much wingnut wetting of pants.

Actual whitey pape... er?  Republicans make him the frontrunner.

I'd love to know what portion of Herb Cain supporters are now backing Ron Paul. 

Fantasy Political Football

Ostensible Democrats Pat "Crazy Eyes" Caddell and Doug "Stupid Motherfucker" Schoen are back with their insipid Vilify Obama Draft Hillary campaign. Here's the centerpiece of their argument:

As political realists, we know that every recent presidential candidate who has emerged — from Obama in 2008 to Herman Cain, Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry and now Newt Gingrich — has been citizen-driven. The elites have not driven the process; ordinary voters have filled the void.

Such a void exists now.

Yes, Crazy and Mofo base their argument for a Hillary campaign on the examples of three stunning electoral failures[1], one soon-to-be stunning electoral failure, and the candidacy of the candidate they believe is ruining America.

They don't argue that any of the four citizen-driven Republicans would be good Presidents, and they argue that citizen-driven Obama is a bad President. They don't argue that Hillary would win, or is even interested in running. No, the purpose of their exercise is to "send a message the Democratic Party must stand for something more than Obama's reelection at all costs." But they don't suggest what that "something more" is, beyond "unification" and "a healing process" and "bi-partisanship." (Surely the results of a Clinton presidency!) Apparently what the Democratic Party must stand for is the election of a Republican president.

[1] Yes, I realize there hasn't been an election yet.  Why postpone the inevitable?

Chunky Reese Witherspoon II: Episcopalian Bugaloo

Those chubby drunks can't keep away from Ross Douthat:

But my strongest memory comes from a Washington dinner party two years ago, when he cornered me in the pantry and insisted on having a long argument about the Gospel narratives.

Vicars and Tarts, indeed.

Caucus? You Barely Know Us!

Getting your ass kicked by Ron Paul in Iowa. That's gotta hurt.

Iowa Republicans, may I suggest you just write in John McCain's name.

The Hitch Is Back

Ashes to ashes. Smoking will do that you.

Christopher Hitchens has died. He is not survived by thousands of Americans and hundreds of thousands of Iraqis killed by America's occupation of Iraq.

The Bill Bennett Primary

To be fair to Mitt Romney, it's not so much a prohibition as it is friendly advice from the Angel Moroni, who lost millions betting on the Utah Jazz.

Allahu Snackbar

My favorite type of media bias blogpost is the one where a wingnut demonstrates that the media isn't covering a story by linking to a media outlet covering the story. Today's example -- no link -- comes from the developmentally unable Jim Hoft, who ejaculates: "not one media outlet reported that the man was screaming 'Allahu Akbar' as he shot at innocent Hollywood drivers."

For those who care, Hoft links to a KTLA broadcast report in which one person claimed that the gunman -- a man named Tyler Brehm, a young man who reportedly abused prescription drugs and was distraught over the end of a relationship -- had shouted "Allhu Akbar" during his shooting spree.

Apparently, KTLA is not a media outlet, and those who pay to advertise on it should demand their money back. (Those who believe they have viewed it are just mentally ill.)

But pointing out that Jim Hoft is a dolt is like predicting the occurrence of yesterday. So let's cover some real terrorist news:

GAUTIER -- Gautier police said today that a home invasion last night appears to have been the first strike by a vigilante-style group of teens lead by a 32-year-old in Gautier.

Police confiscated an operations manual for the para-military group that calls itself Tactical Search Unit (TSU) of The Savior Unit and states that its purpose is to “promote Christ, obtain offenders who are a danger to society, do community service work for churches and halfway houses, and do security for different functions.”

The leader of the group, Michael Shaun Schaffran, 32, the “commander” and Cody Jacob Rogers, 18, who police say is the “captain” of the group were arrested within minutes of a home invasion at about 7:45 p.m. Tuesday. They were each charged with three counts of kidnapping and burglar [sic] of an occupied house.

Police said the two, clothed in black and military camouflage with ski masks over their faces, went to a home on Dailey Road in north Gautier, burst in and dragged the three people who live there out of the house. One was a 70-year-old man.

God IS Great.

P.S. Here's the defense case, which amounts to: They were walking past the woods and heard a woman scream, and went to help. Plus they were dressed in black because they were on their way home from their job as mimes.

From the subliterate Mediaite website:

During a recent holiday season, [Marine] Master Sgt. Robert Allen was stationed in Iraq, far away from his wife back home. So, he wrote a song about how much he missed her and sent it to her on Christmas Eve. According to Allen, his wife Carla “balled her eyes out when she heard it.”

Mrs. Allen, the Newt Gingrich of Marine Corps spouses.

Or, more correctly, Dan Abrams, employer of illiterate fuckheads. Mrs. Allen should take Mediaite for every penny it has.

Herb Cain, Kingmaker

And so the bidding war begins. Which GOP hopeful will put up the most cash and tenderonis to buy purchase Herban Cain's endorsement? Newt Gingrich is the only contender who will look cleaner if Herb's funk rubs off on him, Mitt Romney's desperate enough to do it, and the rest of the field can't afford Herb's lifestyle. It really is a two man race.

Kudos to Sky News Australia for being the first to use "Cain Pulls Out...."

Herb's problem was there weren't enough schwing states in the earlier primaries and, thus, he had no path to victory.

Cain Does A Palin

December 3, 2011 (RNN) -- As donations and tenderonis dried up in the wake of charges of adultery, Herman Cain announced today that he has suspended his campaign for the Republican presidential nomination. A julbiant Newt Gingrich (R - K Street) responded to the news by stating, "That's more action for me."

Puppy Mill Survivors Provide Needed Career Counselling

Moses Whine and the Mystery of Herman Cain, this month's alternate selection of the Homeschooling Book Club. Only $9.99.

Simple Simon's now all, "sexual harassment charges are serious business, especially when they are on the books," but a month ago he was like, "I dare not compliment a woman on her hairdo in the workplace for fear I am open to suit." When you've got Alzheimer's, everything's a mystery.

The Law Of The Land

The strange thing about this exchange, which no one seems to have noticed, is that it took place in Iowa:

JANE SCHMIDT: One of my main concerns is government support for the LGBT community. So my question is what would you do to protect GSAs in high school and support the LGBT community.

BACHMANN: Well, No. 1, all of us as Americans have the same rights. The same civil rights. And so that's really what government's role is, to protect our civil rights. There shouldn't be any special rights or special set of criteria based upon people's preferences. We all have the same civil rights.

JANE SCHMIDT: Then, why can't same-sex couples get married?

BACHMANN: They can get married, but they abide by the same law as everyone else. They can marry a man if they’re a woman. Or they can marry a woman if they're a man.

JANE SCHMIDT: Why can't a man marry a man?

BACHMANN: Because that's not the law of the land.

JANE SCHMIDT: So heterosexual couples have a privilege.

BACHMANN: No, they have the same opportunity under the law. There is no right to same-sex marriage.

Because that's not the law of the land.

Remember, this exchange took place in Iowa.

Perhaps Ms. Bachmann means that same-sex couples can't get married at the U.S. Embassay in Teheran.

A Programming Note

TBogg is hosting a chat with James Wolcott, author of Lucking Out, on Sunday at 2 p.m. PST, 1 p.m. MST. It's nice to see the boys have settled their East Coast/West Coast feud.

Update 11/3: I seen C-SPAN2 is spending three hours "In Depth" with BoBo Brooks this Sunday. So you have you choice of two of America's greatest living writers, or BoBo Brooks.

How to Succeed In Journalism By Not Really Trying

Now I didn't go to one of them fancy journalism schools, Atlanta Journal-Constitution, but while you had Herb Cain's p.r. flack on the blower, there's some questions you might have wanted to ax said shyster:

Lin Wood, Cain's attorney, told the AJC on Wednesday that he thinks most of the messages were asking for money, which Cain has admitted to providing the Dunwoody woman who has repeatedly faced eviction. Cain has denied a physical relationship with White.

...

"Maintain common sense," Wood said in an interview. "Mr. Cain was extremely busy in his campaign. He didn't have time to send a lot of texts."

...

On Wednesday, Wood sent a letter to White's attorney, Edward Buckley, asking for her phone records to "test her credibility and motive" for coming forward to the media. Wood, in the letter, said he wanted to "ascertain whether the decision to grant interviews was politically motivated and to determine whether she has received or [been] promised money for participating."

Question One: Where are Herb's phone records, Woody Peckerwood? You know, the ones that support your premise that Herb didn't have time to use the phone.

Questions Two through Four: What makes you think that most of the messages were asking for money? Something your client said? And what was your client's response to those messages?

Question Five: If you want those phone records so bad, Woody, why don'tcha file a defamation lawsuit against Ms. White and pound out some discovery requests?

Questions Six and Seven: Who did Herb call after the story broke? Won't those calls will establish whether Herb's denials are politically and financially motivated?