Thursday, May 07, 2009

Shorter Jeffrey Rosen

Did you know they don't have the internet in the United Kingdom?

Have You No Decency, At Long Last?

If you oppose marriage equality, someone -- and we're not sure exactly who -- will stop at nothing to ruin your life. Take it from someone whose well-concealed identity as a tedious scold was made public by radical homosexualists:

First, note what the movement of tolerance does when you simply exercise your rights to free speech, taking a position they disagree with. They go personal. They go for the jugular. They try to embarrass and humiliate you. They will stop at nothing not only to discredit but absolutely destroy you [sic].

In this case, they will find pictures of you modeling lingerie and tell people you had objects surgically inserted into your breasts. In fact, since they will stop at nothing, they presumably will do this even if you haven't posed in lingerie or gotten breast implants. They will make you write ungrammatical sentences. They are that evil.

Speaking as someone who supports marriage equality, I don't care if you've posed in your underwear or had breast implants. Speaking as someone who's sane, I wouldn't pose in my underwear or get breast implants if the revelation of those facts would embarrass me, humiliate me and/or destroy me. If you're going to do that kind of thing, don't claim you're a victim of character assassination when it is revealed that you've done that kind of thing.

K-Lo and her co-author seem to smell a big gay conspiracy behind Operation Destroy American Beauty, but they don't marshal any facts to place a smoking gun in the mitts of "the movement of tolerance." I don't know, nor do I care, who divulged the extremely uninteresting details of what-her-name's beautiful life, but such revelations happen to famous people -- and morons too -- regardless of their views on civil rights. Were John Edwards and that cable-teevee douchebag with the eight kids victims of the Gay Crusades as well? Only in the dankest recesses of K-Lo's barren bonce is Miss California a wall trophy for the gay mafia.

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Goldcrapp

Of all the reasons John McCain had his ass handed to him last November, surely Michael Goldfarb's incompetence must be ranked somewhere in the low 700s. Still, Goldfarb's status as a first-rate cretin cannot be denied:

Yesterday THE WEEKLY STANDARD obtained a copy of Elena Kagan's senior thesis, written almost thirty years ago while an undergraduate at Princeton. The title of the thesis: "To the Final Conflict: Socialism in New York City, 1900-1933"

Goldie has blisters on his lips from reading through this tome in 24 hours, and has uncovered such subversive bon mots as these:

Why, in a society by no means perfect, has a radical party never attained the status of a major political force? Why, in particular, did the socialist movement never become an alternative to the nation’s established parties?

Radicals have often succumbed to the devastating bane of sectarianism; it is easier, after all, to fight one’s fellows than it is to battle an entrenched and powerful foe. Yet if the history of Local New York shows anything, it is that American radicals cannot afford to become their own worst enemies. In unity lies their only hope.

Goldfarb hasn't yet reached the part where Kagan calls for show trials and the public execution of Jimmy Carter and Walter Mondale for crimes against the workers, and the redistribution of mood rings from the oligarchy to the proletariat.

Sunday, May 03, 2009

No One Is More Surprised Than Bob Dole

O.J. Simpson's choice for President in 1988 has died.

The locker room showers of this country are a little less integrated today. And presidental politics lost the finest double act this country had seen before McCain/Palin:

At a meeting of young Republicans in July, Mr. Dole remarked with barbed humor that "Kemp wants a business deduction for hair spray." Speaking to the same group, Mr. Kemp came back with the retort: "In a recent fire, Bob Dole's library burned down. Both books were lost. And he hadn't even finished coloring one of them."

Shorter Creamin' John Hawkins (See Post Below)

Huh? Whut Arkansas Project, Swift Boat Veterans, Jerome Corsi, Regenery Publishing, Fox Networks, Sinclair Broadcasting, Washington Times, NewsMax, WorldNetDaily, Rupert Murdoch, National Review, American Spectator, David Horowitz, Matt Drudge, Republican National Committee, National Republican Congressional Committee, Karl Rove, Alberto Gonzales, Floyd Brown, Roger Stone, David Bossie, Stanley Kurtz, Alan Keyes, conservative talk radio, Pajamas Media and conservative blogosphere? Did whut? (drools)

Friday, May 01, 2009

They Bring a Knife to a Fight, We Piss On Ourselves

Hold him back! Hold him back!

"Professional blogger" John Hawkins is hoppin' mad. He wants to defeat the treacherous leftists, but those pussified conservatives won't let him win. If only he had a cunning plan:

Instead of continuing to complain, here’s a better idea. Why don’t conservatives do opposition research on the journalists endlessly running stories about Bristol Palin and Joe the Plumber? Have they ever been arrested? Whom do they own property with? Have they ever been paid to do a speech for someone and then run a favorable news story about him? Certainly Keith Olbermann’s personal life is just as newsworthy as Joe the Plumber's, and the details of Maureen Dowd's life are just as noteworthy as those of Bristol Palin — are they not?

Maureen Dowd's personal life? That's your plan? Maybe John Tierney has some sepia-toned daguerreotypes he can sell you, and a stereopticon to view them on.

Here's another example. On college campuses, conservative speakers often need bodyguards to give a speech. Conservatives are shouted down and attacked — and nothing serious ever seems to happen to the fascists who engage in these thuggish tactics. So why shouldn't conservative groups do the exact same thing to every liberal speaker who comes to the college? Go on stage, lock arms, and shout him down — then sue the university if they're given so much as an hour's detention more than the protesting liberal students.

Detention? But what will you do if they take away your hall pass?

Are you sick of feeling like you need to familiarize yourself with porn terms just to understand what they’re saying about the tea parties on MSNBC or CNN? Then start filing obscenity complaints with the FCC.

Careful, Johnny. You never know who might get swept up in your Rosie Palmer Raids.


But there are some things that even John Hawkins won't do for love

Obviously, we don’t have to become liars — in fact, even setting aside the ethics of it, it's better for our credibility if we don't.

You can't kill a corpse, Johnny.

How much credit did John McCain get for refusing to talk about Jeremiah Wright and Barack Obama’s lack of patriotism? How many times was George Bush — a moderate on domestic issues who bent over backwards to create a “new tone” — accused of being Hitler? How many times has Fox News, which makes more of an effort to be balanced than any of the other networks and all the biggest newspapers in America, been accused of being as biased as Rush Limbaugh?

How many fingers am I holding up, Johnny?

Now that John Hawkins has proposed all these ideas, he has an obligation to carry them out. John owes us a report on Keith Olbermann's sex life by next week and, above all, he must storm the stage when President Obama speaks at Notre Dame on the 17th. Otherwise, he's all talk and no action.

Sully Rewrites His Story

Sully Joe Sullivan is still backpedaling on his glowing endorsement of the bullshit 20/20 piece saying that Matthew Shepherd's murder wasn't motivated by anti-gay bigotry. In 2009, he writes:

I agree, but then I've never been on the gay left and have always opposed these laws. There is a real debate about the 20/20 story and, for the sake of balance, you can read the critiques of it here and here.

Of course, Sully didn't think there was a "real debate" of the 20/20 piece back in 2004, when he was pimping it -- and his tangential role in it:

Now ABC News has prepared an important, thorough and debunking review of what happened. I was tangentially involved in the documentary, but wasn't privy to its most closely held findings. I have a feeling it will reveal how dangerous it is to rest an entire political argument on one incident, whose details were always murky and subsequently turned into myth.

How does one have a real debate a "thorough" "debunking"? How does one debate a false story, a "myth."

Perhaps Sully should explain his acknowledged role in the piece, rather than pretending to be a neutral observer, as he now does. Why doesn't Sully acknowledge his involvement any more? If there's a real debate about the piece, Sully should explain what he knows -- both about the reporting and the murder itself -- so we can judge the piece on all the facts.

Sully's fallback position is that Shepherd murder isn't the issue, what he really cares about is the injustice of hate crimes laws. (Of course, he could have made that argument without endorsing shoddy reporting or attacking his political enemies -- if he wasn't Sully, that is.) But he still doesn't understand hate crimes legislation.

At least this go round he doesn't claim that such laws create protected classes or punish thought. But he still argues that there's no reason to treat variations of the same criminal act differently based on intent. Yes, the victim of of a revenge killing which started as a bar fight or a lovers' quarrel is just as dead as the victim of a fatal gay-bashing. And both killers deserve harsh punishment. But if we want to discourage things which should be stopped -- and can be stopped -- by imposition of harsher penalties, it makes sense to impose a greater punishment on those things. There are criminal laws which impose greater penalties for killing on-duty police officers, or federal workers, or children. There are criminal laws which impose greater punishment for defrauding or abusing the elderly or incompetent, because they are more vulnerable to abuse. These laws reflect not only value judgments, but also practical judgments as to most effective way to deter certain types of crimes. For Sullivan to pretend that hate crimes laws are some aberrant deviation from what exists in our present legal system is simply absurd.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Wash Your Hands After Reading This Blog

I've been running a fever for the past 24 hours. Maybe I'll be the first blogger with a confirmed case of the swine flu.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

May I Suggest The Party of Penis?

Following in the footsteps of the U.C. Berkeley School of Law and Open Sores Media aka Depends Media (don't make me link to Jeff Jarvis), the Grand Old Party plans to piss away good money on bad public relations:

GOP set to launch rebranding effort
Posted: 11:00 PM ET

From CNN Chief National Correspondent John King

WASHINGTON (CNN) - Coming soon to a battleground state near you: a new effort to revive the image of the Republican Party and to counter President Obama's characterization of Republicans as "the party of 'no.'"

CNN has learned that the new initiative, called the National Council for a New America, will be announced Thursday.

It will involve an outreach by an interesting mix of GOP officials, ranging from 2008 Republican presidential nominee John McCain to Jeb Bush, the former Florida governor and the younger brother of the man many Republicans blame for the party's battered brand: former President George W. Bush.

In addition to Sen. McCain and Gov. Bush, GOP sources familiar with the plans tell CNN others involved in the new group's "National Panel Of Experts" will include:

*Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour, a former national GOP chairman
*Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal
*Former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney

It will report to GOP congressional leaders, and among those signing the announcement that will be made public Thursday are:

*House GOP Leader John Boehner
*House GOP Whip Eric Cantor
*House GOP Conference Chairman Mike Pence
*Senate GOP Leader Mitch McConnell
*The No. 2 Senate Republican, Jon Kyl
*And the Senate GOP Conference Chairman, Lamar Alexander

Now there's a diverse group of leaders if ever I saw one. And it's a breakthrough concept for a Party's leadership to take on leadership roles. They're all looking forward ... to a long nap.

Wait....

UPDATE: South Dakota Sen. John Thune will also participate in the group. The Republican congressional leadership is also slated to travel the country and attend town-hall meetings as part of the new effort.

Perhaps I've been too harsh.

To save the Grand Old Party from blowing hundreds of thousands on sleazebag ad types who don't moonlight as sex workers, I'm asking my readers to come up with alternative suggestions to the National Council for New America (NC-FN'A). Leave your suggestions in comments, and I'll forward the best suggestions to Chairman Steele.

Oh. Wait.

A. Specter Gets Away With Murder

Arlen Specter has two biographies on his official website. The first paragraph in each is bland boilerplate. Here is the second paragraph of each:

One:

His legal background and experience in constitutional law provided the skills to chair the dignified confirmation hearings of Chief Justice Roberts and Justice Alito. In earlier confirmation hearings he had the courage to cross party lines in opposing Judge Bork and disagreeing with conventional wisdom in supporting Justice Thomas after dissecting the contradictory and highly charged testimony.

Two:

Senator Specter has been a member of the Senate Judiciary Committee since he came to the Senate. As such, he has played an instrumental role in many of the Senate's most important issues, including the confirmations of Chief Justice John G. Roberts, Jr. and Justice Samuel Alito to serve as Associate Justice on the U.S. Supreme Court.

Near the top of Arlen's own list of accomplishments in the U.S. Senate is giving lifetime tenure to John Thomas and Veto Scalito. And he supported Clarence Thomas not for his legal competence or knowledge, but because he wasn't convinced Thomas victimized his female staff. The pool of qualified jurists has grown exponentally.

It's Specter's party; we're just Lana Clarkson.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

If I told the Democratic Party once, I told them a thousand times, "You let people like Mickey Kaus pretend to be a Democrat and this kind of stuff will happen."

The Forgotten Men

Finally some relief for the overlooked victims of the Bush recession:

The Yankees cut by up to 50 percent the price of the $2,500-a-game Legends Suite seats for full season-ticket holders at their new stadium on Tuesday. They also announced that holders of the ticket plans behind home plate would be given an equal number of tickets free.

Sadly, the prospective purchasers have already Gone Galt and will only return when they follow the Galt's Gulch Baseball Club on their road trips to New York City.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Shorter David Broder

Dig this crazy reasoning:

Suppose the investigators decide that the country does not want to see the former president and vice president in the dock. Then underlings pay the price while big shots go free. But at some point, if he is at all a man of honor, George W. Bush would feel bound to say: That was my policy. I was the president. If you want to indict anyone for it, indict me.

Is that where we want to go? I don't think so.
Don't investigate because we can't hold the President accountable for violating the law and we can't hold others accountable for violating the law when we won't hold the President accountable.

Here's an idea: How about we suppose that the country (and not just Broder) decides whether they want to see Bush and Cheney in the dock after all the facts are made available to them. And how about we further suppose that the investigators will follow the law and will indict or not based on the facts, as the law requires them to do, rather than follow some opinion poll. You know, like what is supposed to happen for every other citizen of the United States. Or, better yet, why don't we not fucking suppose at all, and just find out the facts instead.

The biggest flaw in Broder's reasoning is that assumption that George W. Bush is at all a man of honor. Of course, Broder's conclusion that Bush is a man of honor is based on his belief that Bush never got blown in the Oval Office.

Miss Bybee Regrets

Miss Bybee regrets, you are unable to breathe today, sir,
Miss Bybee regrets, you are unable to breathe today.
She is sorry you are restrained,
Tied to a board, blindfolded, gagged and drowned, sir,
Miss Bybee regrets, you're unable to breathe today.

When she woke up and found that her dream of power was gone, sir,
She blamed the people who insist on the rule of law,
And from under her judicial robe,
She cried about context and pressure from Karl Rove, sir,
Miss Bybee regrets her role has seen the light of day.

When Congress came and got her and dragged her from the bench, sir,
She wasn't strung from the old willow at Guantanamo Bay,
But at the moment she dies (of old age),
She will suffer just like the victims of wingnut rage, sir.
Miss Bybee will regret she is unable to breathe today.

(With apologizes to Cole Porter.)

Friday, April 24, 2009

Shorter Sean Hannity

Waterboarding isn't torture. I pay good money for waterboarding.

Okay, technically, it's not water.

Friday, April 17, 2009

This and this are what blogs are for.

The newspapers report, but bloggers add important information the papers don't print for whatever reason.

Of course, blogs make shit up as well. They misrepresent and distort, intentionally and otherwise. Just like television stations and newspapers. It's not the medium, it's the messenger.

(Links via Atrios)

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

I'm Dick, Fly Me

Newt Gingrich rides Moby Dick Airways.

Seems appropriate.

The Chair of the RNC rode Dick in the 2004 and 2008 cycles too.

Everybody's Talking About Teabagism

It's going to be a regular Swallowpalooza in Sacto tomorrow:

Tentative Event Schedule

April 15th - Tax Day!

California State Capitol Building - West Steps
Party from 12:00 to 3:00

11:00 AM Set-up and "Gates Open"
12:00 PM Kick Off
1:00 PM Your World with Neil Cavuto: Live
3:00 PM Neil Cavuto - Fox Business News: Live

And don't forget the the twilight concert by Big Head Neil and the Monsters, followed by the midnight repeat of Your World with Neil Cavuto, and an extra special appearance by Michael "The Unrecognized" Reagan.

Teabegging: A Message From Chairman Steele

From the e-mail bag:

So on this Tax Day, April 15, the Republican National Committee is asking you, along with hundreds of thousands of grassroots activists across our country, to assert a real patriotic act by sending a virtual tea bag to Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and the rest of the tax, spend and borrow Democrats. Let them know enough is enough and you don't approve of their plan to pass the largest tax hike in American history.

And when you send your virtual tea bag today, I hope you will also take this opportunity to make a secure online contribution of $25, $50, $100, $500 or $1,000 to the RNC today to help fund our efforts to resist the massive tax and spending increases Barack Obama and the Pelosi-Reid Democrats are attempting to ram through Congress.

...

Schlomo, Americans will pay more in taxes this year than they will spend on food, clothing and housing combined and it is still not enough for Barack Obama and the liberal Democrats.

...

And when you do, please also make a secure online contribution of $25, $50, $100, $500 or $1,000 to the RNC today to fight the Democrats' efforts to take advantage of America's present economic difficulties to force through their reckless agenda.


Let them know you already pay enough in taxes by sending them a virtual tea bag by clicking here. Please send your virtual tea bag today. Thank you.


Sincerely,

Michael Steele
Chairman, Republican National Committee

P.S. Schlomo, let Obama and the liberal Democrats know enough is enough. Send them a virtual tea bag this Tax Day to protest the liberal agenda to raise your taxes and those of every American. And please take this opportunity to make a secure online contribution of $25, $50, $100, $500 or $1,000 to the RNC to support and elect Republicans who believe in the principles of lower taxes, limited government and personal responsibility. Thank you.

Steele wants you to pay for the privilege of virtual teabagging.

(He also wants you to "assert a real patriotic act." Fucking illiterate.)*

And he repeats his teabegging three times, just in case you're too stupid to understand it the first two times.

* More illiteracy on the Teabag Donation page: "The Obama Democrats want to raises taxes to bankroll their plans to increase spending to record levels, change the tax code to redistribute the wealth of working families, and destroy the savings of millions of middle-class Americans."

Monday, April 13, 2009

Sorelosercoleman

A Republican who thinks he is above the law.

Okay, I'll narrow that down. A Minnesota Republican and soon to be indicted former United States Senator who thinks he's above the law:

"The overwhelming weight of the evidence indicates that the Nov. 4, 2008, election was conducted fairly, impartially and accurately," the panel said in its unanimous decision.

In rejecting Coleman's arguments, the panel said the Republican essentially asked it to ignore Minnesota election requirements and adopt a more lenient standard allowing illegal absentee ballots to be counted.

The panel also rejected Coleman's comparison of Senate election problems to those in the 2000 presidential race in Florida.

Unlike Florida, Minnesota has statewide standards for absentee voting that are "uniform and explicit and apply in every county and city," the panel wrote.

Congratulations, Senator Franken.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Not Since the Battle of Salines

Now that Navy forces have rescued Richard Phillips and killed three Somali pirates, President Obama's military accomplishments exceed those of Ronald Reagan. And without a Lebanon fisaco.

Shiver Me Timbers and Blow Me, Clown

Syphilis Gonorrhea Hanson has some "thoughts" about pirates:

Piracy may or may not be a matter of American national security, but the American people will not for long stand the notion that a captive brave American ship captain risks his life to escape, while formidable American naval power either cannot or will not punish the miscreants.

More Americans have been killed this month by paranoid anti-Obama teabaggers wearing body armor than have been killed by pirates in the last 100 years.

While Hanson's preferred solution, involving a big 'splosion and 300 naked, glistening swabbies, might arouse Hanson's interest for a few minutes, the American people might prefer a plan which didn't involve killing the brave American ship captain for Hanson's vicarious jollies.

V.D. also notes that, since 1989, his fellow academics have been soft on piracy. Perhaps the eggheads are big Bobby Bonilla fans.

Update: Is this butch enough for ya, Herpes?