To Your Health Care

Insipid cable news coverage aside, isn't it nice to see a U.S. President who can handle his alcohol and enjoy a cold brew without abusing his family or choking on a pretzel?

Republican Family Values: Focus on the Intern Edition

Sad news from the Land O' Instacracker:

[Tennessee] Republican Sen. Paul Stanley had maintained a low profile until his announcement late Tuesday that he was resigning from the state Senate effective Aug. 10, after his affair with a 22-year-old intern and a subsequent extortion attempt was revealed to the public.

Stanley, a 47-year-old evangelical Christian with two children, said in his resignation letter that he has "decided to focus my full attention on my family."

Alert Child Protective Services.

"Whatever I stood for and advocated, I still believe to be true," he told Memphis radio station WREC-AM Tuesday. "And just because I fell far short of what God's standard was for me and my wife, doesn't mean that that standard is reduced in the least bit."

Put it away and focus on your family, Paul. No one wants to hear from you.

The fun started when the intern's boyfriend, J.P. Watts, found the G.O.P.'s Funniest Home Videos:

Watts, 27, allegedly discovered a memory disc with explicit photos of [McKensie] Morrison that were taken in Stanley's apartment on a cell phone. "Watts communicated to Stanley if he did not pay the money, the photographs would be sent to other individuals, including the media," the document states.

"Good morning, sir. How are you this fine day? McKensie and I have been talking, and I feel that I have a video and some pictures you might be interested in seeing," Watts allegedly texted to Stanley, according to a transcript read aloud during the hearing, as reported by The Associated Press.

Sounds more like a Twitter than a text message.

Tennessee Republican Party Chair Simmons and Representatives Criss and Frehley had no comment. Stanley is expected to return to his second love, painting.

P.S. -- It's all those damn bloggers' fault! Says the Senator:

I guess with the blogosphere and just more people being engaged and the advent of the Internet, people get on the Internet or the airwaves or whatever and just say whatever, and I think they need to be more cognizant of they way they treated [sic] ...

'Twas not the intern, but the Internet, that brought the Senator down.

Uninteresting Answers to Unasked Questions

I bet you were just dying to know this.

The real answer, of course, is that people have to give her stuff.

The unintelligible given answer apparently is so that people won't think she's a dyke.

An Explanation of Sorts

Some bloggers opine about health care reform; only Roger Ailes puts its author on the line to goes in depth and undercover to blow the American health care system wide-open. Unfortunately, the whole experience was so depressing and frustrating that he probably wn't blog about it.

Next time, remind me to assign myself a trip to Hawai'i to investigate President Obama's birth cirtificate instead.

Atrios looks to a future where novels are dramatized on television rather than in the movies:

Obviously the economics - and I have no real knowledge - will ultimately dictate whether things are made into movies or serialized TeeVee shows, but I do look forward to the day when the obvious visual translation of a good novel isn't the big screen. Or, hell, bring back serials on the big screen!

Though, ultimately, nothing is medium specific anymore. Someone should try a big serial. My guess is that if Harry Potter came out today (with associated popularity) it might be a good test case.

That future may soon be here:

The 37-year effort to bring "Atlas Shrugged" to the screen is finally gaining momentum.

Sort of.

Oscar winner Charlize Theron has been meeting during the past several months with Lionsgate and producers Howard and Karen Baldwin, who are developing the project's latest iteration, about starring as main character Dagny Taggart.

Theron has been eager to play the role but has been concerned that a feature would lose many of the nuances of the monster-sized novel. So the Rand adaptation would, under a plan she and producers discussed, be turned into a miniseries for Epix, the pay-cable network Lionsgate is forming with MGM and Viacom/Paramount.

The project, according to this plan, would be to make the mini one of the fledgling network’s programming linchpins. While insiders are not ruling out the possibility of releasing a condensed version to theaters, the main thrust would be the network, where the mini could be used to lure the book's legion of fans to subscribe.

And a resultant drop in water consumption at trailer parks and assisted-living facilities during the hours when the series is run.

The Deaths of American Soldiers Mean Nothing to Me, Says Glenn Reynolds

From the Instacracker:

ONE OF ANDREW SULLIVAN’S GUESTBLOGGERS is, ironically, enough, slagging people for being too pro-war in 2003. Yeah, not like Andrew was back then. At any rate, according to a comment in the linked post, I was off by 39 for the casualty [sic - fatality] toll of the invasion through "mission accomplished." I'm willing to admit the error. That's better than Ted Kennedy, who predicted we'd lose "battalions a day."

Reynolds is referring to a comment which identified US deaths in Iraq before "Mission Accomplished" as 139, whereas Reynolds offered "100" in response to the question asked. But the question which was asked of the 'Cracker was this:

If we go into Iraq, how many casualties do you expect to see (on the side of the US and our allies)

The question says nothing about the period of "the invasion through 'mission accomplished,'" an event of epic meaninglessness even apart from its absence in the question. If your son or daughter or husband or wife or father or mother died after the flight-suit prance photo-op, Reynolds couldn't give a shit. He's only concerned with rewriting the question (and history) so it looks as if he was merely off by 39, and more prescient than Teddy K. The thousands of U.S. servicemen and servicewomen who died later, and those from other countries who died, don't matter to Reynolds.

In fact, Glenn is pissed that people have forgotten his greatest sacrifice when the speak of the war.

And I didn't take a post-invasion "mission accomplished" vacation, either.

Some gave Dollywood.

To be fair, David Keene also offered FedEx the opportunity to have his son whack, Scott Davis, the chairman of UPS, for a little under $500,000.

(Backstory here and here and here. Remember, a liberal is a conservative who couldn't get special treatment from prison authorities.)

The Anchoress Would Like To Think

...and doesn't realize it's beyond her limited capabilities.

Here is the Red Nun, on the occasion of Walter Cronkite's passing, linking to things she just can't understand:

I'm sure Cronkite would have loved President Obama, just like the rest of the media hordes. But I would like to think that he would not have countenanced this sort of news-manipulation on his watch – that he would not have ignored those grassroots movements that did not fit his ideology, or enabled startling doublestandards, but who knows? Perhaps he’d have jumped into Free-American-Press-into-Pravda Devolution with both feet, if it made him feel like he was part of something "too big to fail."

The "news-manipulation" link goes to another blog which bitches about how the New York Times didn't put the CBO health care reform numbers on page one, above the fold, while the Washington Post and the Wall Street Journal did.

The "ignored" and "grassroots movement" links go to Instacracker, who in turn links to teabaggers who self-report that groups of 30, 150 and 250+ 'baggers managed to find their way to various home state Congressional offices.

The "startling doublestandards [sic]" link makes no sense whatsoever in the context in which it's placed, but it leads to this, which is a lovely example of disinglennuousness at its finest and features a cameo from a former unemployed blogger turned unemployed creepy cartoon enthusiast to boot.

One gets the impression that the Red Nun collected a bunch of links, decided it would be a sin to delete them without using them, and then shoved them into the Cronkite post to avoid confession.

The Red Nun ends her funeral oration thusly:

So, RIP, Mr. Cronkite. I will not blame you for the media excesses we will have to endure for the next week to ten days.

I recall hoping that Tim Russert's sad death would inspire some self-reflection within the ranks of the press, but that did not happen, so I doubt Cronkite's death will wake them from their self-destructive sleep, either.

Say what the fuck? How or why Pumpkinhead's death would cause self-reflection in the press is a mystery, since his death had nothing to do the way the press operated. The way Russert conducted himself in life might cause those in the press with a sense of self-awareness to question the ethics of acting as combination answering service, father confessor and megaphone for the G.O.P. (although it surely didn't in Howard Kurtz's case), but his death provides no particular illumination on how a free press should do its job.

The Principal Is Your Pal; The Governor Will Just Fuck You And Then Dump You To Save His Own Ass

Governor Mark Sanford writes some crap about how getting caught banging his soulmate has made him more humble:

I've realized that as much as I have and will continue to advocate for things ranging from restructuring to responsible spending to school choice, my approach needs to be less about my will and more about looking for ways to more humbly present the greater principals and ideas at play. It needs to be less strident and more about finding ways to work with legislative leaders to advance the ideas so many of us believe in. It means less time fighting the tide, and a greater awareness of the fact that God controls it. In working with a few alterations to my approach, I think this could be a far more productive last session than the one that would have been had the tragedy that has unfolded not occurred, and in turn, people's lives can be made better.

Apology not accepted.

Anyone who pimps "school choice" without knowing the proper spelling and usage of the word principles is not fit to hold any office. Nor is anyone who characterizes government confiscation of private property to subsidize Big Religion. Nor is anyone who considers self-inflicted mockery a tragedy.

When A PoliticHO Reporter Drinks With Her Thoughts, She Drinks Alone

PoliticHO, the website with nothing to say and a seemingly endless number of employees to say it, reports on Obama's imbimbery:

After Obama was seen with beer in hand at the Wizards game, callers lit up the lines at WWL, a sports radio station in Louisiana, according to the station's website.

"People are losing 5, 10, 20,000 dollars a day in the stock market, and he's sitting there drinking a beer," one caller said. “It's insulting. There's a lot of people suffering."

Another caller complained, "The president is the president 24 hours a day. I don’t think he should drink on the job."

If you're and individual losing 5-20 thousand a day in the stock market, you either can afford it and aren't suffering, or you're too stupid to be investing in the market.

Not surprisingly, the PoliticHO didn't quote the callers who offered a differing view:

"That's the craziest thing I've ever heard in my life," one man called in to reply. "He didn't mess up the country, first of all... let's be real now. A man's gotta take some down time."

"She needs to get a life," another called responded. "We all need to lighten up."

Another man said, "Aww heck, you know, ain't nothin' wrong with it. He's takin' a little break, knockin' him down a cold one."

The PoliticHO article ends by addressing what the PoliticHO believes is the most imporantant qualification for the presidency:

Now, as an adult, a sip now and then only humanizes him, says Robert Thompson, a professor of pop culture at Syracuse University. "It certainly plays in his favor," Thompson says. "It gives people the sense that he’s a regular guy. He’s doing what one does at a basketball game. He's having a beer. It adds to the notion that he's kind of a cool guy, and it might be nice to have a drink with him."

If only to ease your suffering.

"I think Obama's people knew he would get a very mixed reaction last night. His entrance was shrewdly orchestrated. The cheers and boos started as soon as he came onto the field, but he was steered immediately over to shake hands with Stan Musial — the most beloved player in the history of the Cardinals. No true St. Louis fan would boo Satan if he was shaking hands with Stan the Man. The president then went straight to the mound, where today's Stan the Man, the great Pujols, took good care of him — quickly embracing Obama right after making sure his heave looked borderline respectable . . . with a little help from the cameras. Finally, Obama moved was ushered quickly over to the third-base line, where Cardinal legends Bob Gibson, Ozzie Smith, and Lou Brock (among others) were there to share warm-handshakes." (link)

If only they'd dressed him in a costume and flashed "Mission Accomplished" on the JumboTron, it would have been perfect.

Could someone send that shit, Steyn, a copy of Christopher Buckley's latest tome? I'm fairly sure he hasn't read it, or at least thinks that you haven't.

The Red Queen's Tea Party

There is no use trying, said Alice; one can't believe impossible things. I dare say you haven't had much practice, said the Queen. When I was your age, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland"

With Sharia Plain's recent bipartisan-curious bashing of the Republican Party, the only conclusion is that Sharia is planning to install herself as the leader of the Teabagging Movement. The plot is synergy at its finest. Palin and 'Baggers share the same delusions about the federal gub'mint, the same hatred of (their fantasy version) of the EMESSEM, the same contempt for literacy and science and truth, and the same vision of their own accomplishments and virtues which is entirely at odds with reality.

If Sharia becomes the Strom Thurmond slash George Wallace slash Ross Perot of the teabag crowd, her coronation will mark the death of the Republican Party, as a madhouse divided against itself cannot stand. But let's not give credit where credit isn't due -- George W. Bush is the man who killed the G.O.P., with the assistance of Dead-Eye Dick; Palin is simply firing a few rounds into the corpse for the amusement of the crowd.

BoBo Brooks' Feel-A-Meal

Reliable sources say that BoBo Brooks' senatorial molestation experience took place during Brooks' 2001 odyessy to find a meal costing over twenty dollars in Franklin County, Pennsylvania.

Which means Brooks' Red State dinner date was either Arlen Specter or Rick Santorum.

I know who I've got my money on.

Ann Althouse, who's more of a tit man, is fuming that President Obama wouldn't look at her ass if they showed Star Trek on it in IMAX.

(via Pandagon)

Department of Repetitive Redundancy

Marty "The Wedding Singer" Peretz writes:

"Christian Believers Would Be Excluded From Government If The Left Liberals Had Their Way"

If they weren't believers, they wouldn't be Christians. And if they weren't liberals, they wouldn't be on the left.

And how exactly did Barack Obama, who identifies himself as a Christian, become President without the the support of "The Left Liberals?" By the unanimous vote of The Right Conservatives?

But Marty's headline isn't the worst piece in his monument to crap. Neither Spinnin' Marty nor the NYT article to which he links identifies a single Left Liberal who would exclude the subject of the post, Dr. Francis Collins, from government service because of his religious affiliation or beliefs. The article says that "some in the field [presumably, other geneticists]" express "unease" about Collins' evangelism. It doesn't say that those unnamed persons are Left Liberals (as opposed to Right-Wing Jews or Moderate Jehovah's Witnesses or Apolitical Atheists or Mind-Your-Own-Damn-Business Canadians).

Peretz himself offers no evidence for his repetitive thesis. He just pulls it out of his rectal posterior ass.

"New York Times Considers $5 Monthly Web-Access Fee"

Following the Pajamas TV business model. Now there's a savvy plan.

How's that working out again?

Perhaps the Times can get Ross Douthat to do handstands while reciting poems saluting non-sexually active women.

Photo courtesy of High School Musical 23: The Drunken Reunion Hook-Up

Dear Michael and Sharon Ensign:

This blog is looking for underwriters. Surely you've got better things to spend your money on than that foursome. And Nore Losercoleman and Macaca George. E-mail me.

Yours,

Roger

Darkness at Nooners

Pegaloon is asking for a beatdown by the FOX/Tea Party/Steyn/V.D. Hansen-Van Sustern wings of the Republican Party:

"She makes the party look stupid, a party of the easily manipulated."

As a wise woman once said, "Only one person can make you look stupid."

Peggy also opines:

She hurts, as they say, the Republican brand, with her mess and her rhetorical jabberwocky and her careless causing of division. Really, she is the most careless sower of discord since George W. Bush, who fractured the party and the movement that made him.

Rocket man burning out his fuse up here alone. (Although whoever wrote that subhead for Peggers was surely prescient.)

Republican Family Values: Quid Pro Ho Edition

Just the other day, I said: Hey, Mom and Dad, could you give $96,000.00 to some woman I screwed, and her family? In unmarked bills?

Unfortunately, my parents stopped doing my laundry when I moved out. Not so for Johnny Ensign's parents:

Sen. John Ensign's attorney acknowledged Thursday that the Nevada Republican's parents paid nearly $100,000 to the family of his mistress around the time she and her husband left his staff in April 2008.

In a statement from Paul Coggins, Ensign's attorney, said that the senator gave Doug Hampton, Cindy Hampton and their two children gifts worth $96,000 and that "each gift was limited to $12,000." [Which was it, the Senator or his parents? Get better writers, Politic-ho -- RA]

"The payments were made as gifts, accepted as gifts and complied with tax rules governing gifts," Coggins said.

Coggins said that after Ensign told his parents about his affair with Cindy Hampton -who was an then a campaign aide - the senator's parents "decided to make the gifts out of concern for the well-being of long-time family friends during a difficult time.

"The gifts are consistent with a pattern of generosity by the Ensign family to the Hamptons and others."

That last statement was a huge mistake, Coggsy. Someone is going to demand proof.

"Doctor" Helen Attacks Second Amendment Heroine

"Doctor" Helen Smith ponders the death of Steve McNair:

What will happen if the evidence finds that this woman killed the victim? Probably nothing. "Experts," politicians, and activists will continue to say we need to focus exclusively on domestic violence against women...and people will applaud. Does anyone see the irony here?

Why, yes, I believe I do.

The murderess gets off scot free simply because she's a woman. If she was a man, she's get jail time and a lethal injection while sitting in the electric chair! How long must men put up with such discrimination! You're brilliant, "Dr." H!

Apart from the obvious idiocy of Helen Headcase's call from something to be done, the quack fails to identify anyone who thinks domestic violence (or any type of violence) is, or should be, illegal only when the victim is a woman. The "doctor" also fails to explain how any action could be taken to prevent an event such as McNair's shooting when there was no history of violence between the persons involved.

Since "Dr." Helen thinks men are the true victims of domestic abuse, the solution is obvious. Disarm all women to give men a level playing field. By force, if necessary.

These Are The Jokes, Folks

Some tool named Tevi Troy (another moron from Cornell, and a wingnut welfare queen to boot), demonstrates his mastery of humor:

Harry Reid's press conference yesterday revealed some interesting things. The first thing is that he apparently doesn't think much of Al Franken's humor:

REID: Senator Franken gave me a few jokes he thought I should share with you, but I didn't like them, so I'm not going to do it.

Since senators love few things more than to get laughs from reporters, I would love to see the rejected Franken jokes and see if they were rejected because they were unfunny, tasteless, or both.

He's absolutely right. Tevi should demand to see the gags, and should refuse to do anything else until the Majority Leader hands them over and offers a full explanation for his refusal to recite them. If Senator Reid denies their existence, Tevi should blow the lid off this vast conspiracy and bring the Senate down around the Leader's ears.

Wotta maroon!

Bloody Idiot

Value of roll of toilet paper > Value of Cornell law degree

Doolally

How does George Will keep his job with the Washington Post Writers Group?

*rimshot*

The usually accurate Bob Somerby appears to have confused Elizabeth "Lally" Weymouth nee Graham with Katharine "$25 K" Weymouth.

That would make Katharine her own mother, which, while it would explain how she got her current position, is scientifically impossible.

Bore On The Fourth Of July

How dead is the Teabag Movement? Even a bought-and-paid-for hack like Roger el-Simon can't get it up for Bagism any more:

The Tea Party Movement has some promise, but it too looks backwards. Madison, Adams and Hamilton were clearly great men, but where are their modern equivalents? Surely we don't want to rely entirely on ideas honed in the Eighteenth Century, laudatory as many of them are. It’s good to be reminded of them, but it's also good to have a plan. I haven't heard one yet, just a lot of no - no to taxes, no to spending, no to socialized medicine. That's all fine as far as it goes, but it's not exactly inspiring.

That leaves inbred law perfesser Glenn Reynolds as the last man holding the teabag.

But disillusionment at his manufactured movement is just a part of Rog el's greater funk, which appears to have started at around the same time sales figures for Blackfisting Myself were released. Roger is really, really, really bummed, and it's all because America won't put out for him, no matter how much he begs:

Don't get me wrong - I love my country. And maybe it's because I love it so much that I am so depressed. Yes, I know it's always darkest before the dawn and all that. And I want to "look at the bright side," as my grandmother always advised. Still, these are dark times and it's hard to pretend otherwise.

I'm guessing Roger's Gran wasn't living in a mini-mansion off royalties and wingnut welfare. And that she was a lot more pleasant to be around than her fatuous mope of a grandson.

Fortunately, Rog has a solution to his malaise, one he lifted from the title of the shittiest Woody Allen film that Rog didn't write:

No, my suggestion is even more radical. We should junk the liberal and conservative orthodoxies that have divided - and blinded - us for so long and go back not to Eighteenth Century America, but Nineteenth, to the days of that most American of philosophies - pragmatism. "The pragmatists rejected all forms of absolutism and insisted that all principles be regarded as working hypotheses that must bear fruit in lived experience." Now there's a thought that might brighten even grumpy me on the Fourth of July.

That's the kind of philosophy we might expect from a man who believes that no one can tell he's bald if he never takes off his hat.

Who could have guessed that the Katharine Weymouth Escort Agency would have failed so spectacularly?

The idea worked so well for George and Lally.

Thank You

A sincere thank you to my guest bloggers, Anthony Cartouche and Tom Hilton.

A big round of applause for Anthony and Tom, give it up, everybody.

I Quit

I had hoped that when Roger Ailes allowed me to post here as a guest during his vacation, I would be able to use this platform for the good of all Roger Ailes readers.

But instead I had to defend myself from one ridiculous charge after another: that I was using the Ailes coffers to keep myself in Cotton Club ginger ale and Little Debbie Snack Cakes; that I was a fan of Nickelback and Creed; that I broke the Hepplewhite chair at the Ailes compound; even that I was having an affair with this woman. Of course, none of these allegations are true. Those Nickelback CDs were left at my house by my nephew. Roger told me I could help myself to the contents of the Ailes refigerator and snack cupboard. That chair was broken when I got here. And there isn't enough Zinfandel in the world for that last thing to happen.

Every one of those allegations, and the many others like them, were false and were proven to be so. But it took a lot of time and money to defend myself, and frankly it's just not worth it any more.

And so I am stepping down as guest blogger here at Roger Ailes. I guess the easy thing to do would be to keep posting until Roger comes back, which should be any day now. But nah, only dead fish go with the flow. The right thing to do when you're faced with adversity is to move forward by quitting, not quit by moving ahead.

Let me go back to a comfortable analogy for me: sports . . . baseball. I use it because you're naïve if you don't see what's going on here: the Cleveland Indians are having a crappy season. They're 18 games under .500. Sure, the players could decide to try harder and to keep their focus on having a better second half of the season. But the better course of action is for them to give up right now and to keep playing the half-assed kind of baseball that Indians fans have become accustomed to. Or better yet, to just give up altogther. They can do more for baseball outside of the league than they can inside it!

And we will be in the capable hands of fellow guest blogger Tom Hilton. Hell, he even updates his own blog, which is more than I can say for myself.

I conclude with the words of Homer J. Simpson: I tried my best, and I failed miserably. The lesson is: never try.

Thank you, and God bless this blog, and God bless the United States of America.

A Thousand Clowns on Broadway

No, it's not a revival of Herb Gardner's play. It's Roy Edroso's estimate of how many wingnuts showed up for another teabagging session in New York today. What a gathering that must have been, huh?

OK, so maybe there were 1,500 wingnuts in the crowd. That may sound like a lot, but I bet at least that many people showed up to welcome the new junior senator from Minnesota.